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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Jokes
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Monday, 23 August 2004 13:23 |
I thought some jokes would be interesting...Being Im from MN I had to post this one...
Minnesota girls
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from North Carolina. He bragged
that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Minnesota girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
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Posted by:
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Sunday, 19 September 2004 17:19 |
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a contest was held to find out which is the best law enforcement agency in the us. they were to track down and capture a certian rabbit in the woods.
first, the cia went in. they planted bugs. they paid informants.they questioned all witnesses, both vegatable and mineral. after two weeks, the came back and reported rabbits do not exist.
next the fbi went in. they surrounded the woods and tried to negotiate with the rabbit. they played loud music. after two weeks, they burned down the woods. fucking rabbit deserved it.
another rabbit was set loose in another wood. the lapd went in. after a couple of warning shots and two hours, they came out with a badly beat-up bear. the bear was screaming "i'm a rabbit, i'm a rabbit" |
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Monday, 23 August 2004 22:34 |
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Obliviously nobody else has a sense of humor? 
Well then Ill post some dumb blonde jokes soon if nobody else has anything good!  |
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Tuesday, 24 August 2004 22:33 |
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i posted some here. wonder where they went. |
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Tuesday, 24 August 2004 22:34 |
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ok
whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
one is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish. |
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Tuesday, 24 August 2004 22:41 |
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next time- the physicist joke... |
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Tuesday, 24 August 2004 23:15 |
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How can ya tell a blondes having a bad day?
She cant find her pencil and her tampons behind her ear....hehe |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 07:39 |
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QUOTE (Tease @ August 24, 2004, 23:15) How can ya tell a blondes having a bad day?
She cant find her pencil and her tampons behind her ear....hehe
Ouch! I'll bet she's wondering why her last lover could suddenly keep it up all night long!!  |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 09:36 |
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QUOTE (sunbuff10 @ August 25, 2004, 07:39) QUOTE (Tease @ August 24, 2004, 23:15) How can ya tell a blondes having a bad day?
She cant find her pencil and her tampons behind her ear....hehe Ouch! I'll bet she's wondering why her last lover could suddenly keep it up all night long!!
lol...thats a good one... |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 09:52 |
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She cant find her pencil and her tampons behind her ear....hehe
OMG! Poor blonds! |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 10:08 |
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I'm feeling very proud all of a sudden.
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 10:51 |
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what is a blonde with her hair dyed dark?
artifical intelligince |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 17:16 |
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QUOTE (bawbie @ August 25, 2004, 10:51) what is a blonde with her hair dyed dark?
artifical intelligince
LOL
How does the blonde turn on the light after sex?
Opens the car door!
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 17:16 |
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What do a blonde and a turtle have in common..
When they are on their backs they are both fucked  |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 17:17 |
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Whats a blonde standing outside on a windy day?
A wind tunnel
I dont find that one as funny  |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 17:18 |
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Why does a blonde cut her tampon strings?
So the crabs cant bungee jump! 
Yes Im trying to waste those posts away! |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 17:20 |
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How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottum of a pool...  |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 20:26 |
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how can you tell if a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies?
m&m shells all over the floor |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 20:44 |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 20:49 |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 20:54 |
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QUOTE (jess8in2003 @ August 25, 2004, 20:49)
i love that smilie |
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 23:21 |
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Hillbilly Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world,but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, West Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Alabama.
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004 23:38 |
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QUOTE (sunbuff10 @ August 25, 2004, 23:21)Hillbilly Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world,but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, West Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Alabama.
haha...now that one was funny! |
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Thursday, 26 August 2004 00:16 |
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:lau gh:  :hid e: |
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Friday, 27 August 2004 00:41 |
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funny, but you are now on p.o.s.s.u.m.'s hit list. i'd be real careful from now on, were i you.
bawbie didn't write this here note. |
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Friday, 27 August 2004 00:41 |
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funny, but you are now on p.o.s.s.u.m.'s hit list. i'd be real careful from now on, were i you.
bawbie didn't write this here note. |
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Friday, 27 August 2004 10:07 |
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QUOTE (bawbie @ August 27, 2004, 00:41) funny, but you are now on p.o.s.s.u.m.'s hit list. i'd be real careful from now on, were i you.
bawbie didn't write this here note.
Ok! I heard you the first time. I didn't post that there joke!  |
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Friday, 27 August 2004 10:16 |
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Uh oh!
LMAO@y'all!
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Friday, 27 August 2004 10:47 |
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QUOTE (MoonHowler @ August 27, 2004, 10:16)Uh oh!
LMAO@y'all!
Y'all? Reminds of a comerical I heard here. A reporter is talkind to a real southern-belle, you know the accent. He asked her, "so what do you say when it's one person?" She replies " we say y'all." He asks "what do you say when it's two people?" She replies We still say y'all." The reporter " well what do you say when it's a group of people?" Her reply, " then we say, all y'all!" Got love those southern-belles!! |
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Friday, 27 August 2004 11:18 |
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I just wanted to say , I hope ALL Y'ALL are having a great day  |
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Friday, 27 August 2004 11:50 |
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QUOTE (sunbuff10 @ August 27, 2004, 10:47) QUOTE (MoonHowler @ August 27, 2004, 10:16)Uh oh!
LMAO@y'all!
Y'all? Reminds of a comerical I heard here. A reporter is talkind to a real southern-belle, you know the accent. He asked her, "so what do you say when it's one person?" She replies " we say y'all." He asks "what do you say when it's two people?" She replies We still say y'all." The reporter " well what do you say when it's a group of people?" Her reply, " then we say, all y'all!" Got love those southern-belles!!
She's tellin' the truth
By the way, it's 'thar' not 'there'
I'll forgive you this time 
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Friday, 27 August 2004 13:27 |
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Age Appropriate Registration
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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As old as you feel...
Two Walmart greeters were sitting on a bench during break. One turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel? Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe?" Yup," grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."
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Remedy
An elderly gentleman went to the drugstore and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. It won't get you through intercourse." The old fellow replied, "Oh, I'm well past 80 and I don't think about sex any more. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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Friday, 27 August 2004 14:41 |
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QUOTE (MoonHowler @ August 27, 2004, 13:27)Age Appropriate Registration
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
--------------------------
As old as you feel...
Two Walmart greeters were sitting on a bench during break. One turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel? Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe?" Yup," grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."
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Remedy
An elderly gentleman went to the drugstore and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. It won't get you through intercourse." The old fellow replied, "Oh, I'm well past 80 and I don't think about sex any more. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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Saturday, 28 August 2004 00:30 |
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QUOTE (sunbuff10 @ August 27, 2004, 10:07) QUOTE (bawbie @ August 27, 2004, 00:41) funny, but you are now on p.o.s.s.u.m.'s hit list. i'd be real careful from now on, were i you.
bawbie didn't write this here note. Ok! I heard you the first time. I didn't post that there joke!
sorry. hal stutters sometimes, especialy when he is posting without me. |
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Saturday, 28 August 2004 00:31 |
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two men walk into a bar. the third man ducked.  |
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Monday, 30 August 2004 21:18 |
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A woman gets into a bad car accident and ends up in intensive care in a COMA -- she's been in a coma for a couple weeks and the nurses have to give her a sponge bath ever couple days. After a few sponge baths, the head nurse (no pun intended) notices that every time they wash near her privates, her heart monitor races. So they figure something is going on. They approach the husband and tell him they think they might be able to bring her out of the coma but they need his help. They explain the situation and that they need him to perform oral sex on his wife. He reluctantly agrees after they assure him they'll close the curtain so he can be alone with his wife. After about five minutes, the nurses hear the flat-line -- in horror, they open the curtain and find the husband zipping up his pants...
"I think she choked" -- was his reply, matter of factly!! |
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Monday, 30 August 2004 21:23 |
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This is the cleanest one I know...
A man gets into a horrific car accident and loses his eye... he ends up at the doctor and is pretty much unscathed except for losing an eye. His doctor says no problem, I can make it look almost new for $50,000 -- he says, Doc, I ain't got that kind of money.
Doc says ok.. I can give you a glass eye for $10,000 -- but Doc, I ain't got that neither. Doc says, well, I can give you a wooden eye for $500 -- ok... I guess I'll have to go with that.
After several months with the wooden eye, the guy can't seem to meet any women or get a date and his friend suggests he go to a club that is for people with handicaps. He reluctantly agrees to go and see's that everyone is having a good time and dancing, mingling, etc. He notices one lady with a wooden leg across the club that isn't dancing and decides to approach her. He walks over unsure of himself and asks if she wants to dance.
"Oh, Would I, Would I", she replies.
....
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.............
After a moment, he gathers himself and replies...
"Peg Leg, Peg Leg"... |
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Tuesday, 31 August 2004 00:01 |
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well, now it's time for the physist joke------
there was an airline that had a flight to warsaw once a week. but every time, just before it landed, the plane would crash.
after exhastive investigations,the authorities could find no reason for the plane to crash.
finaly it was decided to send an expert pilot with them to see if he could discover the reason.
the flight was entirely uneventful, until, about 20 minutes before landing.
the flight attendant made an annoucement. "to make it easier to get through customs, i would like all the visitors to move to the left side of the plane. all polish nationals, please move to the right side"
and that is why the plane crashed.
because all the poles were on the right half-plane!
echoing silence.
well, it used to roll'em in the aisles at the mensa meetings.  |
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Tuesday, 31 August 2004 06:24 |
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QUOTE (bawbie @ August 31, 2004, 00:01) well, now it's time for the physist joke------
there was an airline that had a flight to warsaw once a week. but every time, just before it landed, the plane would crash.
after exhastive investigations,the authorities could find no reason for the plane to crash.
finaly it was decided to send an expert pilot with them to see if he could discover the reason.
the flight was entirely uneventful, until, about 20 minutes before landing.
the flight attendant made an annoucement. "to make it easier to get through customs, i would like all the visitors to move to the left side of the plane. all polish nationals, please move to the right side"
and that is why the plane crashed.
because all the poles were on the right half-plane!
echoing silence.
well, it used to roll'em in the aisles at the mensa meetings.
HeHee. Something to do with poles and zeros, right? I had a dream about going to a mensa meeting a couple of night ago. I actually attended a public one down in Texas as well as once in a private home here in Ontario. Very interesting people. |
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Wednesday, 01 September 2004 10:30 |
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What did one sagging boob, say to the other sagging boob?
we better perk up or they will think we are nuts heard it on the radio |
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Wednesday, 01 September 2004 14:49 |
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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution,
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
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Thursday, 02 September 2004 17:10 |
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The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your
Enemies." He asked how many have forgiven their
enemies. About half held up their hands. He then
repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up
their hands. He then repeated his question. All
responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied. "Mrs. Henry, please come
down in front and tell the congregation how a person
cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
and said, "I outlived those bitches".
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Friday, 03 September 2004 22:13 |
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one man says to another man "who was that lady i saw you with last night?"
"that was no lady, that was my wife"
one cannibal says to another "who was that lady i saw you with last night?"
"that was no lady, that was my dinner"
king arthur says to lady guieniver " who was that last knight i saw you with, lady?" |
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Friday, 03 September 2004 22:22 |
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A guy goes up to his friend smiling from ear to ear. "Why the smile?" asks his friend.
"I had my first blowjob today" he says.
His friend replies "Wow, are you going to get another"
"No" he stated, "It didn't taste that good" |
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Friday, 03 September 2004 23:44 |
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QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ September 1, 2004, 10:30)What did one sagging boob, say to the other sagging boob?
we better perk up or they will think we are nuts heard it on the radio
God I will keep my bra on for the rest of my life now!  |
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Wednesday, 08 September 2004 10:00 |
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It was the first day of school and Johnny put down his lunch and went back to his Mom in the kitchen.
“Mommy, I don’t want to go to school” he said. “All the big kids pick on me and bother me.
“But you have to go, “said his mother.
“I hate it”, Johnny continued. “My name is written all over the bathroom wall and all the kids talk behind my back."
"Johnny, it’s not really that bad, jus go,” Said his frustrated mother.
”It’s not fair. School is supposed to be fun, but the other kids keep torturing me.”
“Johnny, Enough is enough. You have to go. You are the principal”
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Thursday, 09 September 2004 23:43 |
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johnny was 12 years old and had never spoken a single word.
his parents had taken him to the finest doctors, but the doctors couldn't find a reason.
they tried speech therapy, no help.
one night, as the family started to eat their supper, johnny took a bite, threw down his fork and said "what the hell is this crap?
"johnny! you can talk! why haven't you before?"
" everythings been alright up to now' he said.
another one of my father's supper jokes-
they had to put a fence around the graveyard. people was just dying to get in. |
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Friday, 10 September 2004 16:15 |
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Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.
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Friday, 10 September 2004 16:16 |
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How do you keep a blonde busy?
Put her in a round room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner!
HR this ones for you |
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Friday, 10 September 2004 20:01 |
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A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy...
In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
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Friday, 10 September 2004 20:05 |
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The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up." |
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Friday, 10 September 2004 20:12 |
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Ten things you will never hear a woman say.
1) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
2) Shouldn't you be out drinking with your friends?
3) Great fart!! Rip another one!
4) Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.
5) You should see the shit I just birthed.
6) I'd rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.
7) Let's start subscribing to Hustler.
8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9) I'll swallow it all. I love the taste of it!
10) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm buying. |
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Thursday, 16 September 2004 14:43 |
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An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress.
You've seen his wars."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
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Thursday, 16 September 2004 17:44 |
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From a friend:
Two old guys suffering from Alzheimer's are sitting on a bench when an ice cream van comes down the street.
“Do you want one?” asks the first guy.
“Yes, I'll have a cone but write it down or otherwise you will forget” says the second.
“No I won't” says the first.
“Look I want a cone with a flake and I know you will forget so write it down” says the second.
“I won't forget” says the first guy getting slightly irritated.
“OK then look I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce, now write it down or you will forget” says the second.
The first guy is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget. The second guy says irritably,
“I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that now WRITE IT DOWN”.
The first guy now really annoyed walks off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie. The second guy looks at him and says ""Where's my bloody chips""" |
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Thursday, 16 September 2004 18:36 |
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QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ September 16, 2004, 14:43) An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress.
You've seen his wars."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
damn its good to live up here on the reservation! |
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Monday, 20 September 2004 05:15 |
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7 Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIFTH DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE:
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." SEVENTH DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
I dont know why I punish myself with these dumb blonde jokes!
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Wednesday, 22 September 2004 08:49 |
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A blonde Walked into a barber shop to get her hair cut and sat down in the chair.
She was wearing a pair of headphones and a portable CD player at her waist.
When it was her turn, she sat down in the chair and the barber told her to take the earphones off or he wouldn't be able to cut her hair properly.
She protested that she needed the headphones, they were very important to her and she had to keep them on, no matter what.
He finally convinced her to take them off and proceeded to cut her hair.
When he was done, he turned her to look in the mirror to see if she liked her hair, but she didn't move.
After trying to wake her and calling the paramedics, she was declared dead.
One medic picked up the headphones and listened to them for a minute.....and all he heard was a voice saying
Ready??
Wait for it......
Here it comes....
Breathe in...Breathe out...breathe in...breathe out...
Hee hee |
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Wednesday, 22 September 2004 08:50 |
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What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits the windshield of a car?
His ASS!!!! |
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Thursday, 23 September 2004 15:41 |
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Breathe in...Breathe out...breathe in...breathe out...
Yeouwww! Ouch!
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Thursday, 23 September 2004 15:48 |
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I love Engineer jokes.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. |
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Thursday, 23 September 2004 18:16 |
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QUOTE (backfromaustintx @ September 23, 2004, 15:48)I love Engineer jokes.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
sure it aint just accounting for those 25 year or 100 year rainfall events? |
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Saturday, 25 September 2004 20:03 |
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Red neck jokes...
You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend
Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
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Saturday, 25 September 2004 20:06 |
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Beer Translations
1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I'll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I'm easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I'm gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) I'm horny.
10. "Who's got the next round?" I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
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Saturday, 25 September 2004 20:11 |
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tease-
you be treadin on thin ice, gal. y'alls name is now on the "keep your eyes peeled" list.
ooo&xxx"s
p.o.s.s.u.m.
bawbie didn't write this here. |
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Monday, 27 September 2004 17:24 |
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A scientist has invented a Bra that stops tits bobbing up & down & nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked the shit out outta him. |
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Monday, 27 September 2004 17:58 |
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QUOTE (bawbie @ September 25, 2004, 20:11) tease-
you be treadin on thin ice, gal. y'alls name is now on the "keep your eyes peeled" list.
ooo&xxx"s
p.o.s.s.u.m.
bawbie didn't write this here.
Girl only a redneck can get away with posting that |
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Thursday, 30 September 2004 13:08 |
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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
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Thursday, 30 September 2004 13:11 |
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A travelling salesman knocked on a door, 8 year old little Johnny answers, smoking a cigar and with a beer in one hand... The salesman says "um, young man is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet, takes a drink, and says "what the fuck do you think." |
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Thursday, 30 September 2004 15:54 |
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Ed is bringing his date home from his apartment. As she's getting out of the truck he says, "if i had known you were a virgin, i'd have taken my time" she repiles "i wasnt, if you hadn't been in such a rush i'd have taken off my panty hose!" |
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Friday, 01 October 2004 05:37 |
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FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
Amen
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Friday, 01 October 2004 06:29 |
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What do you get when you cross a rooster and a poodle?
A cockadoodle
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Friday, 01 October 2004 08:27 |
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Friday, 01 October 2004 15:38 |
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An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife,"Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walk back into the room completely naked except for his boots.Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hangingdown again tomorrow." Furious, Sam Yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A BITCH IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam... Shoulda bought a hat."
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Friday, 01 October 2004 16:17 |
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I just bought a new hat |
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Friday, 01 October 2004 16:58 |
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QUOTE (kbateman @ October 1, 2004, 05:37) FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
SO THATS what those barely audible voices are saying to me every night! I'm ready, willing, and able to answer those prayers! Too bad many women choose entirely different men. |
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Friday, 01 October 2004 17:00 |
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QUOTE (Tease @ October 1, 2004, 15:38)An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife,"Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walk back into the room completely naked except for his boots.Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and the damn thing will be hangingdown again tomorrow." Furious, Sam Yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A BITCH IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam... Shoulda bought a hat."
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Friday, 01 October 2004 21:52 |
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Kinda OT, but we thought it was funny as, well....
SHIT
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit,sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
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Friday, 01 October 2004 21:57 |
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Tease, this one is for you, since you said you'd heard every blonde joke..... so tell me if you've heard this one....
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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Saturday, 02 October 2004 04:58 |
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QUOTE (pepper @ October 1, 2004, 21:57)Tease, this one is for you, since you said you'd heard every blonde joke..... so tell me if you've heard this one....
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Hahah that is a good one! Not that I have anything against blondes! |
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Saturday, 02 October 2004 07:01 |
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New one on me Very cute though! |
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