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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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GOT JOKES?
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Monday, 16 January 2006 12:50 |
AS YOU CAN TELL I LOVE STORIES AND JOKES SO IF YOU GOT SOME LETTS SEE THEM ......ILL START IT OFF WITH
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag....Sorry bikerchic |
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Posted by:
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Monday, 16 January 2006 13:51 |
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Now he needs a:
BEND OVER BITCH AND TAKE IT LIKE THE MAN YOU ARE!......   |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 15:51 |
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Boredcountryboy, goes to a local bar and orders a drink. While sitting and sipping away at his whiskey, Kbateman sits down next to him.
She turns to Bcb and asks, "Are you a real cowboy"?
He replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
Silence takes over their conversation, as they slowly work on their drinks.
A short time later, JacknJill sits down on the other side of the Bcb and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"
Bcb answers, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."  |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 16:05 |
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 ok I am going to watch out for the fan and the kitchen sink to be thrown at you . is there a place i can go hide |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 16:13 |
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the truth is always funniest.  |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 17:16 |
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QUOTE (boredcountryboy @ January 16, 2006, 16:13)the truth is always funniest.
bcb i like this pic of you |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 17:26 |
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thank you. |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 18:44 |
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QUOTE (boredcountryboy @ January 16, 2006, 17:26) thank you.
welcome |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 20:10 |
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The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the
time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it
is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 2006 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The categories are as follows:
10-12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00 
08-10 inches Pole Tax $25.00 
05-08 inches Privilege Tax $15.00 
04-05 inches Nuisance Tax $103.00 
Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return.
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !!
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C. |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 22:28 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 16, 2006, 15:51)Boredcountryboy, goes to a local bar and orders a drink. While sitting and sipping away at his whiskey, Kbateman sits down next to him.
She turns to Bcb and asks, "Are you a real cowboy"?
He replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
Silence takes over their conversation, as they slowly work on their drinks.
A short time later, JacknJill sits down on the other side of the Bcb and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"
Bcb answers, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
LOL! |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 23:23 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 16, 2006, 20:10)The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the
time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it
is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 2006 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The categories are as follows:
10-12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00
08-10 inches Pole Tax $25.00
05-08 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
04-05 inches Nuisance Tax $103.00
Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return.
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION !!
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
damn i left him to soon  |
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Monday, 16 January 2006 23:26 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 16, 2006, 12:50) AS YOU CAN TELL I LOVE STORIES AND JOKES SO IF YOU GOT SOME LETTS SEE THEM ......ILL START IT OFF WITH
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag....Sorry bikerchic
that was a good one! I'll give you that one. |
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Tuesday, 17 January 2006 00:00 |
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.  |
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Tuesday, 17 January 2006 14:34 |
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QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
 you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs. |
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Tuesday, 17 January 2006 14:40 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it  |
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Tuesday, 17 January 2006 19:27 |
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what's the difference tween sasqautch&snatch?
Ones dirty,hairy and smelly and the other lives
in the woods. |
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Tuesday, 17 January 2006 19:55 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 16, 2006, 12:50) AS YOU CAN TELL I LOVE STORIES AND JOKES SO IF YOU GOT SOME LETTS SEE THEM ......ILL START IT OFF WITH
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag....Sorry bikerchic
this one is priceless brother do you mind if I retell it |
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Tuesday, 17 January 2006 22:19 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:40) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it
Oh ok 
 Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. |
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Tuesday, 17 January 2006 22:20 |
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 10:59 |
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QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 22:19) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:40) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it
Oh ok
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
... What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 12:26 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 18, 2006, 10:59) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 22:19) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:40) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it
Oh ok
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
... What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.   |
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 12:40 |
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This will hurt... Had a friend say his girlfriend was pregnant with triplets. I told him that I would help him find the other two guys!!! |
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 12:44 |
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 18:21 |
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QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 18, 2006, 12:26) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 18, 2006, 10:59) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 22:19) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:40) QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 17, 2006, 14:34) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 17, 2006, 00:00)What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes. you got jokes... ok how about...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
now you want some ....come get it
Oh ok
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
... What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this bunch of bull...." |
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 18:32 |
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Jill |
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 18:34 |
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X-RATED RIDDLES
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 18:36 |
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5 Winning Smart Alleck Answers For 2005
>Smart Alleck Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
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Smart Alleck Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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Smart Alleck Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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Smart Alleck Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*******************
#1 SMART ALLECK ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 20:35 |
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0 things a man should know by 40
1. The difference between love and lust.
2. How to change a tire, a diaper, and a woman's mind.
3. When to hold on and when to let go.
4. Your capacity for intimacy and alcohol.
5. Basic carpentry, plumbing and automotive repair.
6. Advanced foreplay.
7. At least one woman other than their mother whose love
for them is substantial and enduring.
8. Trouble when he sees it.
9. True love when he feels it.
10. A load of bull when he hears it.
11. The symptoms of PMS and how to deal with them.
12. His strengths and weaknesses.
13. How to fast-talk and slow-dance.
14. The art of seduction.
15. That his wife is not his mother.
16. A woman's erogenous zones.
17. How to negotiate the inevitable compromises of a romantic
relationship in ways that keep both sides as happy as possible.
18. What he wants out of life and how to go after it.
19. Which medical tests he needs and when to get them.
20. How to make money, dinner, conversation, and love.
21. His own needs and another person's ability to fulfill them.
22. How to start a fire-in the hearth and the bed.
23. A realistic plan to secure his retirement.
24. An idealistic plan to secure his grandchildren's future.
25. How to unhook a bra with one hand-in the dark.
26. Where to get breakfast/gas/a prescription filled at 2 am.
27. How to give a toast and take a compliment.
28. How to be gracious in victory and defeat.
29. When to talk and when to listen.
30. At least one true friend who will be there whenever he calls.
31. The fundamental workings of the female psyche.
32. The Ten Commandments.
33. The importance of trying to follow them.
34. His way around a kitchen.
35. The futility of unrequited love.
36. The ecstasy of unconditional love.
37. How to open a bottle of champagne.
38. How to close a deal.
39. The magic of a woman.
40.
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Wednesday, 18 January 2006 21:01 |
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where did you get that description of me |
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Thursday, 19 January 2006 00:09 |
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I just might get a beat down for this one but naughtybutterfly said to post it (I DARE YOU!)
SO HERE IT IS
Jack and Jill were a week away from their wedding day. Jack was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to take a chance. "Er, Jill, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Jack. Jill's answer as expected was, "No Jack, you have only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." So Jack accepts
The next night Jack again pesters Jill. Being the understanding sort, Jill gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow,
I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Jack and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Jill greets Jack and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."
Not being bashful, Jack lifts Jill's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Jill, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?"
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Thursday, 19 January 2006 07:43 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 19, 2006, 00:09) I just might get a beat down for this one but naughtybutterfly said to post it (I DARE YOU!)
SO HERE IT IS
Jack and Jill were a week away from their wedding day. Jack was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to take a chance. "Er, Jill, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Jack. Jill's answer as expected was, "No Jack, you have only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." So Jack accepts
The next night Jack again pesters Jill. Being the understanding sort, Jill gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow,
I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Jack and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Jill greets Jack and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."
Not being bashful, Jack lifts Jill's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Jill, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?!?"
no i didn't I sayed that if you did it i bet you would get a beat-down dont pin this one on me now i did't do it. |
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Thursday, 19 January 2006 09:42 |
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seeeeeeeeeee  |
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Thursday, 19 January 2006 09:51 |
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Thursday, 19 January 2006 17:26 |
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Just for the hell of it....
That was a good one! Must have kept until Saturday...because he's still here and happily married! He's never waited that long...UNLESS he is out of town!
Jill |
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Thursday, 19 January 2006 22:29 |
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QUOTE (Jacknjill143 @ January 19, 2006, 17:26)
now i told him you would kick his behinde. lol |
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Friday, 20 January 2006 14:25 |
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" |
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Friday, 20 January 2006 16:27 |
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QUOTE (Handyman96 @ January 20, 2006, 14:25) A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
lol cute one handy |
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Friday, 20 January 2006 16:31 |
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Friday, 20 January 2006 22:05 |
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he Nice Guy Test
Here is the much requested Nice Guy Test from Nice Guys Don't Get Laid by Marcus Pierce Meleton, Jr.
Copywright 1993 by Sharkbait Press
1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?
A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I'm late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it's a sixpack of
beer
E. I take a knife
2."Women are special." Is this statement true?
A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
C. Sometimes
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them. And
I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged
3. Genreally, when a girl cancels out of a date...
A. NOT APPLICABLE. I don't get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness. The only excuse I'll accept is
death-Hers
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery
4. When I meet a girl, I...
A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off
5. I think women are...
A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedistal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth
6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process,
blows your weekend.
A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs. If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment
7. On Valentine's Day...
A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but recieve few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want. I send no cards
unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don't get any cards and I blame all women for it
8. I get dates...
A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive
offerings
C. easily some times and hard other times. My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort. Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go. Sometimes that just isn't enough
if you answer these i will give you part tow of this |
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Friday, 20 January 2006 22:17 |
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ok I answered them , time for part 2 |
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Saturday, 21 January 2006 06:27 |
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QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ January 20, 2006, 22:17)
There is no part two!.... |
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Saturday, 21 January 2006 10:59 |
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Hi guys, There was this lady ,who was pulling a double shift at work.. So she came home physically and mentally just give out. She opened the door to her home to find out ,that her home had been broke into and her things were scattered everywhere. She scrambled to find the phone and plugged it back in. Praying it would work. She called 911. The operator told her they had an officer in her area. So she hangs up and decided to go outside and wait for him on the steps of her house. As she is waiting, she look up the road and sees the officer and his k9 walking in her direction. She begins to cry. By the time the officer had reached her she was pretty bad. He asked her. Lady whats the matter why are you crying. She said. Lets see. I worked a double shift at work . I come home to my house destroyed and all my stuff with it. I call 911 and the best they can offer me is a blind cop and his seeing eye dog.. lol Hope u enjoy. |
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Saturday, 21 January 2006 12:03 |
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welcome |
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Saturday, 21 January 2006 12:12 |
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Whats the difference between a drunk telegraph operator, and a lesbian ?
one is a lit clicker   , the other one is  ......
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Saturday, 21 January 2006 15:28 |
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A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
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Sunday, 22 January 2006 07:57 |
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QUOTE (kbateman @ January 21, 2006, 15:28) A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
You gotta love "Little Johnny"!
Jill |
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Sunday, 22 January 2006 22:17 |
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QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ January 20, 2006, 22:17)ok I answered them , time for part 2 [/quote
ok 9. When I am at a bar...
A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in
10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...
A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life
11. When I settle down...
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down. The world is after me
12. Marriage...
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
fool around
E. is impossible
13. If I ever got married I would...
A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men
14. I get laid...
A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot
15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are...
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date's credit card bill to see
the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons hope you like |
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Sunday, 22 January 2006 22:20 |
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QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 22, 2006, 22:17) QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ January 20, 2006, 22:17)ok I answered them , time for part 2 [/quote
ok 9. When I am at a bar...
A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in
10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...
A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life
11. When I settle down...
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down. The world is after me
12. Marriage...
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
fool around
E. is impossible
13. If I ever got married I would...
A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men
14. I get laid...
A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot
15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are...
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date's credit card bill to see
the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons hope you like
ake your test results and grade it by giving each "A" answer 0 points,
1 point for each "B" answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer "E".
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:
0-8 MAMA'S BOY
Move back home, if you aren't there already. You are looking for a girl
just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don't exist,
and if they do, they don't have any interest in you.
If a Mama's boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.
If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill.
They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who
can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or
stands to gain from an inheritance. The negitive side is that you will have
to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen
to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to "Mad" Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty
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Sunday, 22 January 2006 22:23 |
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QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 22, 2006, 22:20) QUOTE (naughtybutterfly @ January 22, 2006, 22:17) QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ January 20, 2006, 22:17)ok I answered them , time for part 2 [/quote
ok 9. When I am at a bar...
A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in
10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...
A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life
11. When I settle down...
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down. The world is after me
12. Marriage...
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
fool around
E. is impossible
13. If I ever got married I would...
A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men
14. I get laid...
A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot
15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are...
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date's credit card bill to see
the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons hope you like
ake your test results and grade it by giving each "A" answer 0 points,
1 point for each "B" answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer "E".
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:
0-8 MAMA'S BOY
Move back home, if you aren't there already. You are looking for a girl
just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don't exist,
and if they do, they don't have any interest in you.
If a Mama's boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.
If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill.
They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who
can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or
stands to gain from an inheritance. The negitive side is that you will have
to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen
to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to "Mad" Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty
9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap. You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what
she is attracted to. Women chew you up and spit you out. You never get
laid.
If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it
made. The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss
that can keep him interesting. If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.
famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing
in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business
23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren't. It depends on
the woman in question. For men of this type, It means that you probably
want what you probably can't get.
For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for
you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy. If he is not attracted to you, he acts
like Mr. Abuse
famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?
38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women. He is the one who gives the
least and gets the most. Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be
controled from this source. Cure him, and you have cured the problem
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Sunday, 22 January 2006 22:31 |
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For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase,
the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life
worth living.
famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek,
James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O'Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo
Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO ok this is the last of it
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Tuesday, 24 January 2006 19:58 |
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There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
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Tuesday, 24 January 2006 20:00 |
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Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
This one is for you HR!!! Jill |
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Tuesday, 24 January 2006 20:02 |
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THE PAINT CAN
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
The third week, however, was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
Then she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.
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Tuesday, 24 January 2006 20:06 |
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 now I won't have any trouble paying my taxes thanks for the info Jill I wonder how much flares are worth? |
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Tuesday, 24 January 2006 20:08 |
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Damn I missed it , I go to Lowes |
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Wednesday, 25 January 2006 23:22 |
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A hunter walks into the gunshop. he tells the owner he wants a nice rifle with a good scope to go deer hunting. The shopowner gives him his best rifle and scope and takes him to the back of the shop. tells him my house on the next hill, look at it with the scope and tell me what you see.
Hunter says "I see a naked blond on the deck" Shopowner says"thats my wife, what else do you see?"
Hunter say's "the blond is with a naked man now"
Shopowner grabs the rifle, looks in the scope and exclaims" Thats my neighbor!" Shopowner grabs some ammo and gives it to the hunter and tells him "I'll give you this gun and scope if you shoot that cheating wife in the head and then shoot that no good neighbor's dick off!"
Hunter thinks about it, takes the gun and ammo...sights in on the blond, and then smiles.
Looks at the shopowner and says" this is easy, I can do this with one shot! |
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Thursday, 26 January 2006 03:38 |
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Thursday, 26 January 2006 07:32 |
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Thursday, 26 January 2006 19:39 |
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Cop pulls over a guy for running a stop sign.
Cop says "Sir, I stopped you because you failed
to stop for the stop sign."
Driver says "but I slowed down"
Cops says "but you didn't stop"
Driver again says "but officer, I slowed down, what's the big deal!?"
They go back and forth and finaly the Cop in frustration, grabs the driver and pulls him out of the car. Cop grabs his night stick and starts to beat the driver....Tells the driver...Now do you want me to stop or just slow down???? |
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Thursday, 26 January 2006 20:49 |
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Friday, 27 January 2006 18:48 |
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Traveling salesman stops at a southern roadside diner/bar. Inside while talking with the bartender, he notices a sign...$20.00 chance..Make the horse laugh...win the jar.
Salesman talks with the bartender about this and the bartender takes the salesman to the end of the bar and opens a door to the horse. Salesman looks at the horse, walks over and whispers in the horse's ear.
Horse looks at he salesman and starts laughing!
Bartender looks stunned and salesman walks over and picks up the jar of money. Bartender asks the salesman what he said to the horse but the salesman only smiles and leaves with the money.
A couple of months later the salesman comes back by the diner/bar and now sees a sign that says "Make the horse cry, win the money. $20.00 a try."
Salesman gives the bartender $20.00 and off they go to see the horse. Horse and salesman look at each other and the salesman undoes his pants and the horse starts crying!
Salesman takes the money jar from a stunned bartender. Bartender say's first you made the laugh with something you said, now you made him cry simply by undoing your pants! you gotta explain this!
Salesman looks at the bartender and smiles then says first, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his.....second time, I showed him ! |
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Friday, 27 January 2006 22:02 |
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A funny thing happened to me at the local super walmart. The wife and I went grocery shopping and to get a few things for the house. As we went our seperate ways in the freezer section, I reminded her we needed juice and lemonade.
An hour later, she had not caught up with me in the sporting goods section as we planned. Up and down each section of the store but no luck in finding the wife.
Finally returned to the starting point and guess what? Yep, found the wife still standing in the freezer section! She was infront of the frozen juice looking at.....you guessed it....frozen Concentrate orange juice! Oh, did I mention my wife is blond!? |
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Wednesday, 01 February 2006 13:41 |
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not quite a joke but figured you mean girls might giggle slightly.. and who can resist a jiggling giggling girl? 
1. Men are like... Laxatives... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like... Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like... Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like... Chocolate... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like... Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like... Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like... Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like... Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
12. Men are like... Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
now show your boobs!!
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Wednesday, 01 February 2006 14:20 |
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How was that?..... |
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Wednesday, 01 February 2006 21:36 |
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Every had one of those days?
Cop pulls over a vehicle.....
Driver jumps out, grabs his radar detector and throws it on the ground..screaming, cursing and stomping on the radar detector until it's small tiny broken plastic chips.
Cop, says to the driver, Sir, next time please stop at stop sign and by the way, my radar gun is broke Have a nice day |
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Wednesday, 01 February 2006 21:56 |
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3 nuns die and go to heaven. they meet Saint Peter at the pearly gate. Saint Peter says Sisters, you have served the Church and the Lord well. You will be granted one wish.
1st nun looks at Saint Peter and says" for years I worked with the hookers and always listened to them talk about their sex exploits. I think I'd like to try a 12" dick."
Saint Peter grabs a book and checks the list of names...tells the 1st nun to take the path to the left and she will find her desire.
2nd nun looks at Saint Peter how she has worked with people who suffered sexual addiction. How she had wanted to try what they had done but was scared. She looked at Saint Peter and said she would like to try a 6"dick from a nice young man.
Saint Peter again grabs a book and checks the list and tells her to take the path by the stream and she will find a nice young man to make her wish come true.
3rd nun looks at Saint Peter and tells him that for years she had thought about what it would be like to have sex. She looked at Saint Peter and said she would like to experience the feeling of a man but she only want to experience a 2" dick.
Saint Peter grabs his book and starts looking at page after page. Puts down the first book and grabs the second book. Page after page. Goes to the third book and goes page by page. Finally puts the books down and says to the nun, I'm sorry but I cannot grant your wish...HotHands is alive and kicking on earth. you'll have to wait.
Sorry HH, haven't picked on you for a good while |
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Saturday, 04 February 2006 01:02 |
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How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
48 1/2. Have a cool car.
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
V
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
you may have seen this before, but oh well it made me happy to post it
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Saturday, 04 February 2006 09:37 |
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QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ February 4, 2006, 01:02)How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
48 1/2. Have a cool car.
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
V
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
you may have seen this before, but oh well it made me happy to post it
[/quote
cute one |
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Friday, 10 February 2006 04:55 |
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A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" He asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly, " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your f***in' horse phoned!"
**************************************************
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Whew, Thank God! I thought you said Turn around!"
**************************************************
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,"
Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.
Pepper |
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Friday, 10 February 2006 07:37 |
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Friday, 10 February 2006 08:14 |
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why did cavemen drag their women by the hair after they hit them over the head with their clubs..???
ans.. because if they dragged them by their feet,
they would fill up with dirt...
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Friday, 10 February 2006 08:25 |
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Friday, 10 February 2006 08:27 |
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Friday, 10 February 2006 10:51 |
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"Miss Jones,we can't employ you as a model"the editor from the men's magazine explained."It's too obvious that your blond hair isn't natural,since the hair between your legs is black".
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said"Look at your fingers.They're turning black,right?And they've only been banged once." |
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