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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Well it amused the hell outta me
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Wednesday, 09 June 2004 16:14 |
mickey and minnie are in the divorce courts,
the registrar says 'im sorry mr mouse but we have to revoke your application as you cant split up because your wife has bucked teeth'
Mickey 'I didn't say she had buck teeth i said she was fuckin goofy' |
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Posted by:
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Tuesday, 27 July 2004 09:51 |
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This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US navel ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Canadians: "Please divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid a collision".
Americans: "Recommend that you divert your course by 15 degrees north to avoid a collision"
Canadians: "Negative. You have to divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid a collision"
Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course".
Canadains: "No. I say again divert YOUR course".
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE BY 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP".
Canadains: "This is a lighthouse. Your Call"
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Wednesday, 09 June 2004 19:14 |
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That joke is so old it has wrinkles. |
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Thursday, 10 June 2004 11:11 |
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and your bang upto date funny is... |
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Friday, 11 June 2004 16:18 |
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This horse goes into a bar sits down and orders a whiskey. The bartender looks over and says "Why the long Face"
yuk yuk yuk!  |
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Friday, 11 June 2004 19:30 |
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A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, Hey bud what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'! A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job Number One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
kinda old but still gets my to chuckle..  |
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Saturday, 12 June 2004 16:45 |
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A traveling salesman rings the doorbell, and 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Young man, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says,
"What the fuck do you think?" |
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Saturday, 12 June 2004 19:34 |
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what does snoop dogg wash his clothes with? blieach |
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Tuesday, 15 June 2004 16:56 |
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A man goes to the doctor with a park bench on one side of his head, a waterfall with a running stream on the other and asks if its a problem.
No says the doctor its just a beauty spot!! |
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Wednesday, 07 July 2004 17:55 |
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okay, you asked for it-don't blame me.
a nurse is walking down the hall in a hospital. another nurse comes up to her and asks "why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"
the first nurse pulls it out from behind her ear and looks at it. "some asshole must of stole my pen"
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Wednesday, 07 July 2004 17:57 |
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?" |
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Wednesday, 07 July 2004 18:29 |
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did ya hear about the new liquid viagra? so you can go home and pour yourself a stiff one.
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Friday, 16 July 2004 22:41 |
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i like dumb jokes.
two atoms are walking down the street. one says "oh, my, i've lost an electron". the other one says "are you sure?"
"i'm positive"
oh, i crack myself up |
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Friday, 16 July 2004 23:37 |
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In France, along a bumpy cobblestone street, two nuns aproach each other on bicycles. the first says, "Hello sister, come this way often?" The second replies, "No, I think it's the cobblestones." |
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Saturday, 17 July 2004 03:22 |
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there was this indian chief who went to africa to shoot stuff. he left his three wives at home, because they were each pregnant.
the first week he shoots a tiger, and sends the hide home to wife #1.
the second week he shoots a zebra, and sends the hide to wife #2.
the third week he shoots a hippopotamus, and sends it to wife #3.
after a lovely time, he heads for home.
when he gets home he finds wife #1 has given birth to a fine baby boy. he is delighted.
when he goes to see wife#2, he finds another thriving boy. he is even happier.
then he goes to see wife#3. he is surprised to find that she has two healthy, happy boys. he is on cloud 9.
thus proving that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus hide are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
i can't help it. my brother tells me these.
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Saturday, 17 July 2004 07:37 |
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squaw of the hippopotamus...superb.
2 cows in a field, here says one wot you reckon to that mad cows disease.
dont bother me none says the other
im a tractor. |
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Sunday, 18 July 2004 12:28 |
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once there was a man in kansas, whose first wife died from eating posion mushrooms.
his second wife died from eatng posion mushrooms.
his third wife died of a fractured skull.
she wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
bad,naughty bawbie. she should be punished.  |
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Sunday, 18 July 2004 21:16 |
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Little billy wanted to take his dog "GeeGee" for a walk, his mom said no, you cant take GeeGee out of the house shes in heat,,, What does that mean Mom? Go ask your father! Dad takes the dog in the garage and rubs gasoline on the dogs tail and hind legs, says ok billy you can take her out now,,, a while latter billy comes back without GeeGee, Dad says wheres your dog son? Billy say, she ran out of gas down the street, the other dogs are pushing her home. |
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Monday, 19 July 2004 14:34 |
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william shakespear walks into a pub
the owner shouts
'oy you cant come in here your bard' |
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Monday, 19 July 2004 15:26 |
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rene decarte goes into a cafe.
the waitress comes over and takes his order.
then she asks "would you like some wine with that?
rene says " i think-not"
POOF- he disappears. |
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Thursday, 22 July 2004 12:13 |
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this is just a llttle post to finally shove the "ohio women" thread down on to page 2  |
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Saturday, 24 July 2004 11:02 |
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there are these two old men in a nursing home. both are rabid baseball fans. they finally get to see all the baseball games they want. they talk of nothing but baseball.
one day, bob says to joe "i wonder if there is baseball in heaven?"
so they make a pact that whoever dies first will come back and tell the other if there is baseball in heaven.
then bob dies, and joe is getting ready for the funural. as he is shaving, bob appears in the mirror.
bob(in spooky voice) " i have good news and i have bad news"
joe asks "whats the good news?"
bob replies " there is baseball in heaven, and we play with the great old timers, on a beautiful field, the sun is never in your eyes. it's perfect"
"whats the bad news?" joe asks
"you pitch thursday" |
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Saturday, 24 July 2004 11:24 |
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Q: What is the definition of "making love?"
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
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Saturday, 24 July 2004 12:45 |
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whats the differende between a woman and a fish?
a fish wiggles it's tail to go
a woman wiggles her tail to cum |
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Saturday, 24 July 2004 13:06 |
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QUOTE (hardrock1955 @ July 24, 2004, 12:45)whats the differende between a woman and a fish?
a fish wiggles it's tail to go
a woman wiggles her tail to cum
Q: What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball. |
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Saturday, 24 July 2004 14:13 |
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Q. What is the difference between brussell sprouts and boogers?
A. Kids won't eat brussel sprouts.
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Saturday, 24 July 2004 14:19 |
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Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and fucks her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing.
He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.
He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.
Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."
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Saturday, 24 July 2004 21:06 |
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 now,thats funny |
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Sunday, 25 July 2004 17:30 |
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Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
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Sunday, 25 July 2004 19:58 |
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finally i believable reason |
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Sunday, 25 July 2004 20:57 |
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AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.
SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME (1 P.M. IN CALIF.) ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.
ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.AND, SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.
THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
GOD BLESS AMERICA
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.
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Sunday, 25 July 2004 21:12 |
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You can count me in . I will willingly watch all the naked women parading by.  |
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Tuesday, 27 July 2004 13:45 |
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there was once a horse and a chicken who were very close friends. they went everywhere together.
one day they went for a walk. they were chatting away and havinga grand time.
suddenly the horse slips and falls into a tar pit and begins to sink.
the quick thinking chicken runs down and gets the farmer's brand new bmw, ties a rope around the bumper and saves horse.
a few weeks later they pass by the tar pit. chicken slips in the same spot and falls in. chiken screams for horse to getthe bmw.
instead horse stands over the tar pit, pops a woody. chicken grabs it and is pulled to safety.
and the moral of this story is,if youu are hung like a horse, you don't need a new bmw to pick-up chicks.  |
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Tuesday, 27 July 2004 14:53 |
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QUOTE (bawbie @ July 27, 2004, 13:45) there was once a horse and a chicken who were very close friends. they went everywhere together.
one day they went for a walk. they were chatting away and havinga grand time.
suddenly the horse slips and falls into a tar pit and begins to sink.
the quick thinking chicken runs down and gets the farmer's brand new bmw, ties a rope around the bumper and saves horse.
a few weeks later they pass by the tar pit. chicken slips in the same spot and falls in. chiken screams for horse to getthe bmw.
instead horse stands over the tar pit, pops a woody. chicken grabs it and is pulled to safety.
and the moral of this story is,if youu are hung like a horse, you don't need a new bmw to pick-up chicks.
Heard this last week but a Harley replaced the BMW. Guess you put what ever's your fancy. |
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Tuesday, 27 July 2004 16:16 |
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Heard this last week but a Harley replaced the BMW. Guess you put what ever's your fancy.:laugh
my son told me today.
could you pull a horse out with a harley?
of course there is the old stand-by- what does a scotsman wear under the kilt?
if he's been good, lipstick.
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Tuesday, 27 July 2004 22:13 |
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Wednesday, 28 July 2004 02:20 |
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on dove unscented soap, one of the first ingediants is "masking fragrence"
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Wednesday, 28 July 2004 13:51 |
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ok. we have a famous television chef called Ainsley Harriot. alright i think hes a wanker but thats irrelevant. he has started to advertise his own brand of food, and underneath his photo on a packet of sausages it says 'prick with a fork'
i couldnt have said it better myself. |
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Wednesday, 28 July 2004 13:55 |
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Wednesday, 28 July 2004 15:54 |
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hi all that is a good thread it was funy..but the ship and lite tower was the one thatmade me laugh hard.
good going Chazzy.. Shadow |
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Thursday, 29 July 2004 05:02 |
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there is a man who owns and operates a small bar/resteraunt. one day, the building across the street begins renovations.
every day a duck comes across to the resteraunt and eats his lunch, sometimes chatting with the owner.
the resteraunt owner runs into an old pal of his, who has a small cicus. so he tells about this duck. the circus man gets all excited abouta talking duck and wants to see the duck about a job.
the following day, when the duck comes in for lunch, the owner tells him about the circus, and how he could make a lot more money.
the duck just looks at the bar owner and says in a puzzled voice "what do they need a plasterer for?"
thank you, thank you. i'm here til thursday. please remember to tip your waitress. |
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