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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for July, 2004
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Top 10 Historical uses of the 'F' word...
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31/07/2004 |
Top 10 Historical uses of the 'F' word...
1 - "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2 - "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
3 - "You want THAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4 - "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" - Custer,1877
5 - "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6 - "Where the fuck are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
7 - "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
8 - "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9 - "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!" - JFK,1963
10 - "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1997
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Posted by: |
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HOW TO READ PERSONAL ADS:
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31/07/2004 |
HOW TO READ PERSONAL ADS:
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish...............49
Adventurous..........Slept with everyone
Athletic............ No tits
Average looking......Ugly
Beautiful............Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.....Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...On medication
Feminist.............Fat
Free spirit..........Junkie
Friendship first.....Former slut
Fun..................Annoying
New-Age............ Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned........No BJs
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
Professional.........Bitch
Voluptuous...........Very Fat
Large frame..........Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate......Stalker
********************************
MEN'S ADS
40-ish..............52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated............Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.........Banging your sister
Friendship first....As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun..................good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.........arrogant
Very good looking....Dumb as a board
Honest...............Pathological Liar
Huggable.............Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle......Insecure mama's boy
Mature...............Older than your father
Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit.......Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive............Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.......Gay
Spiritual............Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable...............Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful............Says "Excuse me" when he farts
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Posted by: |
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Technical Suport Dept.
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28/07/2004 |
A Technical Question
From: Desperate
To: Tech Support
Date: 21-Aug-2001
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed a slow down in preformance of several applications that had operated flawlessly under Girlfriend 5.0.
In addition, Girlfriend 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Guys Nite Out 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Dishwashing 5.0, and Trash Removal 3.0. FourPlay 7.0 no longer runs and BlowJob 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I'v tried running Nagging and Pleading 5.3 to fix the problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Girlfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Wife 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and then install Flowers and Jewelry 6.2. Wife 1.0 should then automatically run the application: Guilty 3.0 and Honey I want You Now 7.7a. But remember, overuse can cause Wife 1.0 to default to Grumpy 3.0, Silence 2.5 and Not Now I Have a Headache 6.6.
Do not install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Girlfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Wife 1.0.
In summary, Wife 1.0 is a great program, but has extensive memory requirements and is very high maintaince. Also note Wife 1.0 will not operate in the "Seat Up Position". You might consider buying additional software to improve preformance. I personally recommend: Dinner on the Town Weekly 6.6 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck
Tech Support |
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Posted by: |
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WHAT TYPE OF WOMAN DO YOU WANT..
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28/07/2004 |
Computer Women
WHAT TYPE OF WOMAN DO YOU WANT..
OR WHAT TYPE OF WOMAN ARE YOU?
HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER. !!!
WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running .!!!
SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
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Posted by: |
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Idiotic !!
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25/07/2004 |
Ten of the Most Idiotic Quotes Ever!
1) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2) "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey
3) "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
4) "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
5) "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
6) "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
7) "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
8) "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
9) "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
10) "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
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Posted by: |
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TEN THINGS A MAN SHOULD KNOW
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25/07/2004 |
You knew that after that ""Mens Rules" thread,that this was coming sooner or later
TEN THINGS A MAN SHOULD KNOW
****************************************
1. If you really don't want to know what's wrong, then don't ask!
2. By the way, when we say "Nothing," we mean "Everything."
3. If you actually believe the answer "Nothing," then you're in bigger trouble than you were before.
4. Don't call us up and ask us out, if you don't have the foggiest idea where you are going to take us.
5. Believe it or not, listening to you burp after we cook you dinner is not a way of saying, "Wow, honey, that was delicious."
6. Please try to refrain from scratching your private parts in front of us, no matter how discrete you try to do it, we always see it.
7. When you hang out the window of moving cars with your buddies, and call to us, "Hey baby! Hey baby! Hey, where are you going? Do you want a ride, baby?" You don't actually think we're going to get in, do you?
8. We know that in the morning, certain parts of your anatomy arise before others, but Sunday mornings are meant to sleep in.
9. And poking us, will not put us in a better mood.
10. The woman's breast consists of more than just the nipple. |
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Posted by: |
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translations
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22/07/2004 |
FEMALE ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
MALE ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay |
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Posted by: |
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PORNO!
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22/07/2004 |
Funniest Porn Movie Titles
Please add on!!
1) Porn on The Fourth of July
2) Big Trouble in Little Vagina
3) Terms of Enrearment
4) The Rodfather
5) Black Cock Down
6) Missionary Position: Impossible
7) Much Ado About Nuttin'
8) Inspect Her Gadget
9) Beverly Hills Copulator
10) Dude, Where's My Dildo?
11)Penetrator 2(and the sequel,Penetrator 3)
12)Beverly Hills 9021ho
13)Lord of the G-Strings
14)Edward Penis-Hands
15)Shaving Ryans Privates
16)Playmate Of The Apes |
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Posted by: |
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WHAT PORN MOVIES WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO BELIEVE
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16/07/2004 |
WHAT PORN MOVIES WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO BELIEVE
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't Fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
31. Women actually find Ron Jeremy attractive. |
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Posted by: |
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Men's Rules (that women should know)
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15/07/2004 |
Saw this on the Net, made me laugh.
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
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Posted by: |
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POLITICALLY CORRECT!!!
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12/07/2004 |
A friend just emailed me this, kinda funny!!
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
WOMEN:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK- She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAUGE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
MEN:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASION.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK- He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants - it is MALE
CLEAVAGE.
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Posted by: |
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