|
LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
|
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
| |
|
|
NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
|
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (9)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (10)
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (6)
|
|
- (11)
|
|
- (24)
|
|
- (19)
|
|
- (25)
|
|
- (26)
|
|
- (49)
|
|
- (64)
|
|
- (39)
|
|
- (14)
|
|
- (57)
|
|
- (45)
|
|
- (34)
|
|
- (23)
|
|
- (38)
|
|
- (56)
|
|
- (67)
|
|
- (73)
|
|
- (54)
|
|
- (44)
|
|
- (69)
|
|
- (72)
|
|
- (60)
|
|
- (49)
|
|
- (51)
|
|
- (73)
|
|
- (44)
|
|
- (37)
|
|
- (54)
|
|
- (100)
|
|
- (59)
|
|
- (104)
|
|
- (126)
|
|
- (71)
|
|
- (77)
|
|
- (65)
|
|
- (76)
|
|
- (116)
|
|
- (13)
|
|
- (7)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (2)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (6)
|
|
- (7)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (9)
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (12)
|
|
- (22)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (17)
|
|
- (11)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (2)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (1)
|
| |
|
WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
|
|
Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for August, 2004
|
|
politics defined
|
27/08/2004 |
A little boy goes to his dad and asks "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to go check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning , the little boy says to the father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words your findings"
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Thoughts on Life
|
27/08/2004 |
This was erroneously attributed to Andy Rooney. Nonetheless, it is worthwhile reading
1. My Thoughts on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
2. My Thoughts on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
3. My Thoughts on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
4. My Thoughts on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
5. My Thoughts on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
6. My Thoughts on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Share the love." BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the infectious disease clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
    |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
silent treatment (a silly joke)
|
26/08/2004 |
Mike and Joan had an argument and were giving each other the "silent treatment."
Before going to bed Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake
him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning drive with some friends to go play golf.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and thus "give in"),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m."
The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and
that his friends would have left for the golf course without him.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a
piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00 a.m. Wake up."
The lesson: Men simply are NOT equipped for these kinds of contests.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
poltry recital
|
24/08/2004 |
i have a dog named rover,
i raised him from a pup.
he can stand on his hind legs,
if you hold his front legs up.
next, please |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Jokes
|
23/08/2004 |
I thought some jokes would be interesting...Being Im from MN I had to post this one...
Minnesota girls
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from North Carolina. He bragged
that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Minnesota girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
bedtime prayer for men
|
20/08/2004 |
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde, and long;
Who notices that she's mostly wrong;
One who sucks AND doesn't speak;
And promises to do so once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
Because one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor;
And once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who won't play
with my mind.
Who knows what she wants, and that's lots
from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's twitchin'
And brings ME a beer when she comes from
the kitchen.
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and since you know I can't wait,
I'll screw all the rest because it's never too late.
Amen
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
you know you are kinky when.....
|
19/08/2004 |
..you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother
will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.
...you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a
year
...you have more toys than your kids
...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone
to
...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and
you snort and start to stamp your foot
...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat
sweets
...your toilet seat is leather.
...you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the
screen, "Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"
...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horse jumps are
setup.
...you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital,
Family, and three 24 hour locksmiths
...you are on a first name basis with all the local EMT's
...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and
work with leather!
...you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer
...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search,
humiliation scene and time in the cage.
...you take up macramé, just to learn some new knots
...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor
discount
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
a joke for ya off another board I hang out on
|
19/08/2004 |
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't
reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and
began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice
that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school
child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
|
19/08/2004 |
This is just too cute!
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
"Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
True friends
|
18/08/2004 |
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ass who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got lucky.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? you may ask. Because you are my friend!!
Remember: A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
What men should say when caught looking at another woman.
|
15/08/2004 |
yeah, I found another list on the net...
******************************************
What men should say when caught looking at another woman.
******************************************
**I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
**Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
**I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
**Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie- and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her.
**I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.
**Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
**Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.
**I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).
**I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
THE RULES
|
14/08/2004 |
I'm sure allot of you have already read this somewhere before, but I just thought I would throw this in for anyone who may not have.
~~~~~~THE RULES~~~~~~~~~
****************************************
1. Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5
 |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud
|
14/08/2004 |
Just something else I ran across on the net.
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:
*****************************************
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing..
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflateable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1--45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
15 Things to do at Wal Mart
|
12/08/2004 |
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when They aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares......and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick Your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if He knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme From "Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using Different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the Fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then Yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
IT'S SOOO GOOD TO BE A WOMAN!!
|
11/08/2004 |
Just something else I ran across on the web
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked..
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
PISS 'EM OFF !!!
|
10/08/2004 |
Found this last nite, I might have to try #13 !!
Everyone has an annoying neighbor, these are
some ideas how to piss them off.
1)Kidnap his dog and shave it
2)Move your garbage/recycling pile to his/her garbage/recycling pile
3)Play Ding-Dong-Ditch at his house
4)Prank call him, say u are a stalker, then have your friend talk to you on a walky-talky saying what the guy/girl is doing
5)Watch porn at high volume
6)Destroy his garbage/recycling pile
7)Kidnap his cat and shave it
8)Burn his lawn
9)Burn his cat
10)Spray paint his/her car saying "Just Got Gay Marriage"
11)Take all the air out of their car's wheels
12)Take all the air out of their dog
15)Lean a garbage can full of water on their door, then ring their doorbell
14)Walk in front of their house in the nude
15)Throw fire crackers at their house
15)Egg their house
17)Put poppers under their car's wheels
18)Fuck their wife/husband
 |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
who would you vote for:
|
04/08/2004 |
if running for president:
A. Hillary Clinton
B. Vladimir Lenin
C. Ghengis Khan
D. Idi Amin
E. All the Same who cares.
for Prime Minister (GB)
A. Tony Blair
B. Vladimir Lenin
C. A Bottle of Heintz Ketchup
D. Quasimodo
E. Doesn't matter, all the same.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
