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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for September, 2004
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GM vs. Microsoft
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30/09/2004 |
This one made me laugh outloud, and gawd I needed that!!
MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE
SOFTWARE.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got
1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press
release stating the following: "If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the
following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more
seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to
drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going
off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the
radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even
though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to
delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
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WORDS WOMEN USE
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30/09/2004 |
Found this on the internet...
WORDS WOMEN USE
It may help, but you willl never truely understand them!
'FINE'
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
'FIVE MINUTES'
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
'NOTHING'
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
'GO AHEAD' ( With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
'GO AHEAD' (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD 'SIGH'
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT 'SIGH'
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
'GO AHEAD!'
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
'PLEASE DO!'
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
'THANKS!'
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
'THANKS A LOT!'
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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Posted by: |
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5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship
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09/09/2004 |
5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship
1. It is important that a woman helps you around the house and
has a job.
2. It is important that a woman makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a woman you can count on and doesn't
lie to you.
4. It is important that a woman is good in bed and loves
making love to you.
5. It is VERY important that these four women never meet.
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Posted by: |
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cop humor
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09/09/2004 |
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this question will determine whether or not you're drunk:
Was Mickey Mouse a dog or a cat?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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