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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for October, 2004
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Knowing which bra you want.
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31/10/2004 |
>A man walked into the ladies' department of a Dillard's Department Store
>and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for
>my wife, size 36B."
>"What type of bra?" asked the clerk?"
>"Baptist," said the man. "She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know
>what she meant."
>"Ah yes, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those.
>Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or
>the Presbyterian type."
>Confused, the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"
>The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple ... the Catholic type
>supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the
>Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there is the
>Baptist type."
>"What does that do?" asked the man.
>She replied, "It makes mountains out of mole hills." |
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Posted by: |
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More jokes
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29/10/2004 |
Sorry everyone but Im bored! SO enjoy!
A man was brought before the judge and charged with
necrophilia -- Having sex with a dead woman........
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never
heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up
and throw away the key!"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
#1, It's none of your damn business;
#2, She was my wife; and.....
#3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy,the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed,sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist".
That's when the proctologist fainted. |
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Bad Biker Pick-up Lines
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29/10/2004 |
Pick-up lines you might want to avoid using at the local biker bar!
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.   |
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More men jokes! HAHA
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29/10/2004 |
Q. Why are men like blenders?
A. You need one but you are not quite sure why!
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
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Posted by: |
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Engineers - You Gotta Love 'Em
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27/10/2004 |
Well, since posting humoUr has become fashionable of late, let me share my favorite description of Engineers (Like yours truly).
Introduction
------------
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
Engineer Identification Test
----------------------------
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A: Straighten it.
B: Ignore it.
C: Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
Social Skills
-------------
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation.
Important social contacts.
A feeling of connectedness with other humans.
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
- Get it over with as soon as possible.
- Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
- Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
Fascination with Gadgets
------------------------
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
- Things that need to be fixed.
- Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
Fashion and Appearance
----------------------
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
Love of "Star Trek"
-------------------
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
Dating and Social Life
----------------------
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men intechnical professions:
Bill Gates.
MacGyver.
Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
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Posted by: |
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form your own opinion on this one!
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26/10/2004 |
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY --
>WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
>SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP
>STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
>
>
>"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER
>THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
>
>
>
>A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMEN LIFTED
>HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT
>WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
>
>
>
>THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE
>OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS
>IMPRESSIVE.
>
>
>SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE
>RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER
>BEHIND.
>
>THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
>
>THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
>THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX."
>
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Posted by: |
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More rednek jokes!!!
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26/10/2004 |
More "You May Be A Redneck If..."
- Your wedding invitations say "Same time, same place."
- You park in handicapped spaces based on your SAT score.
- You list dogs as dependants on your tax forms.
- Your taxidermist also does your taxes.
- You love lard sandwiches.
- You've ever let your dog babysit your kids.
- Your security system is the latch on your screen door.
- Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event.
- You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them at your bug
zapper.
- Your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets.
- The flowers in your bridal bouquet were plastic.
- There are more things growing in your refrigerator than in your
yard.
- Your favorite restaurant has sawdust on the floor.
- You've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs.
- Your favorite recipe includes Vienna sausages.
- You've ever put a race car on a prayer list.
- You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.
- You've used a barstool as a walker.
- You're driving a vehicle that has no original body parts.
- You flush the toilet and the dog thinks you're giving him fresh
water.
- You think your dashboard is the best pace to keep your hats.
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Posted by: |
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Men jokes! Sorry boys!
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24/10/2004 |
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle out his pecker!
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends
What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A 40 year-old woman wants to have children, a 40 year-old man wants to date them.
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? Five, one to do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
What is the best way to get a man to do something? Suggest they are too old for it.
How does a man keep his youth? By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
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Posted by: |
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30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...
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22/10/2004 |
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'. |
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Posted by: |
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10 reasons why it sucks to be a penis
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22/10/2004 |
01. -You've got a hole in your head.
02. -Your master strangles you all the time.
03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you
04. -You shrink in cold water.
05. -You never get a haircut.
06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts.
07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
08. -Your best friend is a pussy.
09. -Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. -Everytime you get excited, you throw up. |
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Why God Created Eve
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21/10/2004 |
First things first! SORRY guys!  
Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone.
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!" |
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some of these are old and some maybe not?
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20/10/2004 |
Subject: Fwd: Fw: R-RATED RIDDLES
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. Watching your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and screaming out your own name
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have nuts to scratch.
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Posted by: |
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Knowing when your trailer trash
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20/10/2004 |
>
> > > > You know you're Trailer Trash when...
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the
> > > > > > > >dinner table in front of her kids.
> > > > > > > >2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and
> > > > > > > >down depending on how much gas is in it.
> > > > > > > >3. You've been married three times and still have
> > > > > > > >the same in- laws.
> > > > > > > >4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
> > > > > > > >bowls on a different night.
> > > > > > > >5. You wonder how service stations keep their
> > > > > > > >restrooms so clean.
> > > > > > > >6. Anyone in your family ever died right after
> > > > > > > >saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
> > > > > > > >7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
> > > > > > > >8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
> > > > > > > >9. Your junior prom offered day care.
> > > > > > > >10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled
> > > > > > > >Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
> > > > > > > >11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
> > > > > > > >exploded right off its wheels.
> > > > > > > >12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
> > > > > > > >more teeth than your spouse.
> > > > > > > >13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
> > > > > > > >14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
> > > > > > > >15. You need one more hole punched in your card to
> > > > > > > >get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
> > > > > > > >16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because
> > > > > > > >there's a law against it.
> > > > > > > >17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting
> > > > > > > >your wife drunk.
>
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Posted by: |
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Why beer is bettert the a Woman
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17/10/2004 |
I just wanted to post this right quick before I took off. This DOES NOT apply to the woman of web naughty... Enjoy.
Why a beer is better than a woman
You can enjoy a beer all month long
Beer stains wash out
You don't have to wine and dine a beer
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
Beer never changes its mind
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
Beer is never late
Hangovers go away
Beer labels come off without a fight
Beer never has a headache
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
If you pour a beer right, you always get good head
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
A beer always goes down easy
You can share a beer with your friends
You always know when you are the first one to pop a beer
Beer is always wet
Beer doesn't demand quality
You can have a beer in public
A beer doesn't care when you come
A frigid beer is a good beer
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony
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Posted by: |
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PAY ATTENTION !!!!
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16/10/2004 |
( Don't complain to me, I didn't write these rules!)
Grammar Rules
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used.
36. Do not put statements in the negative form.
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
38. A writer must not shift your point of view.
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
45. Always pick on the correct idiom.
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.
And Finally...
47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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Posted by: |
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DATING DON'Ts
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15/10/2004 |
a few things NOT to say on a date...
**"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
**"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
**"No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin."
**"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."
**"People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."
**"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
**"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."
**"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."
**"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
**"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
**"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."
**"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."
*******************************************
PLEASE READ
Disclaimer....This is a joke, it may be a bad joke, it may be a tasteless joke, but none the less, it is only just a joke and the poster wishes to extend an apology to anyone who may be offended by it and issues this statement, that this post in no way reflects the opinions of this website, it's exectutives, employees or members |
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Posted by: |
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Things You Won't Hear A Women say...
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07/10/2004 |
Things You Won't Hear A Women say....
1) I think belching is really sexy.
2) Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
3) Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers
tonight?
4) I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
5) I insist that you always put your mother before me.
6) I love a good blunt after sex.
7) I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big bass boat.
8) The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the
workbench.
9) That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
10) It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
11) Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
12) Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
13) That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it
again today.
14) Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
15) You don't curse enough.
16) I love it when you finger me while you drive.
17) Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
18) Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
19) Sure, you can wear your old adidas boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
20) Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
21) I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
22) Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
23) Oh yeah, any hole you want.
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WHAT WOMEN BELIEVE...
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07/10/2004 |
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are lying, cheating, scumsucking bottomfeeders !!
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25 signs you've grown up.
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06/10/2004 |
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 600 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 ! ! PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
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Things You WON'T Hear a Redneck Say
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01/10/2004 |
Top 40 Things Never Said By A Redneck
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
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THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY.....
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01/10/2004 |
It Can Always Be Worse
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
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