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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for November, 2004
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Only on Thanksgiving ....
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30/11/2004 |
Just ran across this today
ONLY on Thanksgiving Day can you say these phrases and get by with them:
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn,you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at* once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
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There is always room for humor,,,,!
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24/11/2004 |
As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe
Something good will happen.
If not...tough shit.
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Posted by: |
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Too cute to pass up!!! :o)
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24/11/2004 |
Retarded Grandparents
Even if you're not a grandparent yet, you might enjoy this.
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded so they moved to California and live in Palm Springs with a lot of other retarded people. They live in condo-minimum and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
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Posted by: |
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Just a little silliness to start the weekend!
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12/11/2004 |
Meet the long lost family of Vincent Van Gogh....
They are (in no particular order, lol) 
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
His Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew the psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
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Posted by: |
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and now for something completely different...........
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09/11/2004 |
I got this from one of my other boards and thought that it would lighten the mood around here....Nuff political stuff!!!!!
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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Funny facts
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07/11/2004 |
"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F.
It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis!
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete!
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Posted by: |
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Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister
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07/11/2004 |
Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top  |
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Posted by: |
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Computerese by DR, Seuss
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06/11/2004 |
Computer Training by Dr Seuss
Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss. (Read this to yourself aloud -
it's great!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted
at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk
abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking
icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the
index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna
crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is
connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to
another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons
in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out
with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro
code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the
memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the
computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
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Posted by: |
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Fact or fiction?
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06/11/2004 |
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
> attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual
> cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
> rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstrating, she is more
> prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a
> bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
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Posted by: |
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Penis Raise
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04/11/2004 |
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!
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Posted by: |
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You know when you're addicted to the internet when..
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04/11/2004 |
1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
7. Your cat has its own homepage.
8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."
9. You have your screen name as your license plate.
10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.
11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.
12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.
13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".
15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.
16. You have internet in your bathroom.
18. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.
17. You name your dog DotCom
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Posted by: |
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A Little Male Bashing
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02/11/2004 |
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Sorry if I have reposted.. |
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