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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for June, 2005
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a ring of truth, or maybe a load of crap...
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27/06/2005 |
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify a woman`s personality based on what
she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly
what she wants.
Your Approach: You won`t have to approach her, if she is interested, she`ll send YOU a
drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel & spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy & sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.She should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals looking to get totally drunk, and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to
do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple & clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He`s poor & wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer & wants to get laid.
Wine: He`s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him
get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn`t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He`s gay.
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Posted by: |
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workingman blues....
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20/06/2005 |
Yep, it's another one of those silly things I spend my mornings dredging up off the internet...
I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I work head first
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Management..
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the order of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe OHSA measures, such as wearing the correct protective gear.
You don't wait till pension age before retiring
You don't like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
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Posted by: |
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No Sleeping in Church
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17/06/2005 |
Two little old ladies were sitting through a lengthy sermon when one told the other, "My butt fell asleep."
The second replied, "I know, I've heard it snore twice."  |
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Posted by: |
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Computer gender
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15/06/2005 |
Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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Posted by: |
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Vocabulary Of Men
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14/06/2005 |
Something funny that rings of truth!
Vocabulary Of Men
"Haven't I seen you before?"
= "Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic."
= "I'm poor."
"I need you"
= "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys"
= "I am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment."
= "I'm sick of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
= "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better."
= "So I can tell my friends about it."
"It's just orange juice, try it."
= "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
"She's kinda cute."
= "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."
"I don't know if I like her"
= "She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much"
= "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."
"Was it good for you?"
= "I'm insecure about my manhood."
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
= "Is my penis really that small?"
"I had a wonderful time last night."
= "Who the hell are you?"
"Do you love me?"
= "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
"Do you 'really' love me?"
= "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out
sooner or later."
"How much do you love me?"
= "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their
way to tell you by now."
"I have something to tell you."
= "Get tested."
"I'll give you a call."
= "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than
see you again."
"I've been thinking a lot."
= "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends."
= "You're ugly."
"I've learned a lot from you."
="Next!!!!"
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Posted by: |
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Forgive your Enemies
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13/06/2005 |
;The preacher's, Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies" Toward the
> end
> > >> of
> > >> > the service, he asked his congregation, "How many of you have
> forgiven
> > >> > their
> > >> > enemies?" About half held up their hands.
> > >> >
> > >> > He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time
> > >> > about 80
> > >> > percent held up their hands.
> > >> >
> > >> > He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one
small
> > >> > elderly
> > >> > lady.
> > >> >
> > >> > "Mrs. Jones," inquired the preacher, "Are you not willing to
forgive
> > >> > your
> > >> > enemies?"
> > >> >
> > >> > "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
> > >> >
> > >> > "Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
> > >> >
> > >> > "Ninety-three." She replied.
> > >> >
> > >> > "Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are.
Would
> > >> > you
> > >> > please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how
a
> > >> > person can
> > >> > live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."
> > >> >
> > >> > The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
> > >> > congregation, and said:
> > >> >
> > >> > "I outlived the bitches."
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Posted by: |
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Hilarity Ensues
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08/06/2005 |
An elderly woman spent a leisurely shopping at the mall. Upon return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not get out of the car, she would shoot. The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, however, would not fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She drove to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hijacking by a mean old lady; no charges were filed.
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Posted by: |
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