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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for July, 2005
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Headaches
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20/07/2005 |
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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Posted by: |
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Doctor's Office
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12/07/2005 |
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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Posted by: |
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Eight words with two meanings.
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10/07/2005 |
> 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
> Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
> Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
> 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
> Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
> Male... Playing football without a cup.
>
> 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
> Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
> Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
>
> 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
> Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
> Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
>
> 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
> Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
> Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
>
> 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
> Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
> Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
>
> 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n
> Female....The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
> Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
>
> 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
> Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
> Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
>
> AND;
>
> He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
> She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
>
> He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
> on the sofa and fart! |
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Posted by: |
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Blonde Joke.
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08/07/2005 |
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
>
>She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!
>
>We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
>
>Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said,
>
>Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive! |
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Posted by: |
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Silly and Dumb !!!
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08/07/2005 |
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the
> >boy
> > walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs
> >bigger
> > than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son,
> >The
> > bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.
> >
> > The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
> >to
> >tell
> > his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
> >She
> >replies,
> > "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her
> >answer,
> > the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy
> >returns again,
> > and promptly tells his mother:
> >
> > "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer
> > he talks, the dumber he gets."
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Posted by: |
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Use only as directed....
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04/07/2005 |
Dumb Product Intsructions
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts
On a Japanese food processor
Not to be used for the other use
On a Swedish chain saw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
On German headphones
Do not increase volume past threshold of pain
On Sainsbury's peanuts
Contains nuts
On Sears hairdryer
Do not use while sleeping
On a bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap
On some Swanson frozen dinners
Serving suggestions: Defrost
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box)
Do not turn upside down
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
Do not iron clothes on body
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication
On Nytol Sleep Aid
Warning: May cause drowsiness
On most brands of Christmas lights
For indoor or outdoor use only
On a child's Superman costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly
On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid
Do not use on food
On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?
On V-tech phone
Electronics, like people, sometimes get confused |
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