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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for March, 2006
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School Excuse Notes
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31/03/2006 |
You've probably seen these before but I think they're worth another look!! 
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins .
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. .
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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Posted by: |
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Conversation......
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31/03/2006 |
The penis said to the balls one day.....
"Woohoo! We're goin' to a party!"
"Big deal!," said the balls..... "Last time we went to a party, you went inside and partied till you puked and left us outside knockin'!"
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Posted by: |
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oh Lord
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31/03/2006 |
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?! |
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Posted by: |
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Nurseing home
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31/03/2006 |
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart. |
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Posted by: |
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Two elderly men
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31/03/2006 |
Hardrock and Rc were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Rc noticed something funny about Rock's ear. He said, "Rock did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Rc, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." |
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Posted by: |
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Three Eskimos
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31/03/2006 |
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". |
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Posted by: |
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Another one you may have heard before....
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30/03/2006 |
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too."
The Blond Guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The Blond Guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde's wife.
The Blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
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Posted by: |
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4 lessons for the working class!
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30/03/2006 |
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing
all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can
I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The
crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit
sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden,
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to the
top of that tree, " sighed the turkey, "but
I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The
turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach
the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more
dung, he reached
the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he
was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey
out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain
said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole
body's responses and
functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss
as we carry the brain about
and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said,
"We should be the
Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on
and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally
the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of
the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike,
blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time
the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched,
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be
the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did
all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will
do.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While
it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it
began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing
him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came
to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him
out and ate him!
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
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Posted by: |
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Another penis joke....
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30/03/2006 |
A penis says to his balls, get ready and I will take ya'll
to a party. The balls said you fucking liar you always go
inside and leave us outside knocking |
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Posted by: |
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The Patient's Status
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29/03/2006 |
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Wells in Room 302," the woman answered.
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Wells in Room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Wells is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Murphy is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
"Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Wells in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."
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Posted by: |
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Typing Oops
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29/03/2006 |
Hilariously Different
1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, Which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here."
The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."
3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, "put getting older but You are getting better".
The salesman asked, "How do You want me to put it?"
The man said' well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"
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Posted by: |
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Womens Revenge
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29/03/2006 |
"Cash, cheque card or charge-card?" I asked, after folding up the items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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Posted by: |
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Our Beloved President
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29/03/2006 |
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "
- George W. Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ' to be prepared '."
- George W. Bush
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. "
- George W. Bush
" The future will be better tomorrow." George W. Bush
" We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- George W. Bush
" I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush
" Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. "
- George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- George W. Bush
" It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush
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Posted by: |
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Reasons EMail Is Like A Penis
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29/03/2006 |
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make
about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!
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Posted by: |
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Are You Demented
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29/03/2006 |
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you'll lose it" also applies to the brain, so...
The test below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test to determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces between answers and questions are so you don't see the answers too quickly and to give you time to develop your own answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.
Question #1:
What do you put in a toaster?
Answer:
Bread -- if you said toast then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread move on ahead.
Question #2:
Say "silk" five times then spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer:
Cows drink water. If you said milk, please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. If you said water, then proceed to question 3.
Question #3:
If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer:
Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said green bricks, what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions??? If you said glass, then go on to Question 4.
Question #4:
It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? In East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer:
You don't bury survivors! If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said you don't bury the survivors then proceed to the next question.
Question #5:
Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and
five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer:
Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU driving the bus!! Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" so they can see just how demented they might be.
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Posted by: |
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hehe.........
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28/03/2006 |
A birthday card I got last year from my brother.....
Life is like boogers... the more you get, the harder it is to breathe!
Just a joke.........
The life of a penis:
His family are nuts
His neighbors an asshole... &
His girlfriend's a pussy
I think there's more but I can't remember at the moment.
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Posted by: |
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All I Need to Know About Life.......
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28/03/2006 |
.....I Learned from Drinking Coffee
* I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!
* Better latte than never.
* A day without coffee is like night...you sleep through it.
* We all have to do the daily grind.
* Espresso yourself.
* Automatic drip defines most people's personalities.
* Stand your grounds.
* If the spoon doesn't dissolve, it isn't coffee.
* I love the caffeine; it's the rich taste I could do without.
* Don't stop till you're shaking.
* Impatience is a virtue.
* Take two cups and call me in the middle of the night.
* Who needs sleep when you've got coffee?
* There's no rest for the caffeinated.
* Decaf is for sissies.
* Man cannot live by coffee alone - donuts are pretty essential too.
* There is no such thing as a free refill.
* It's okay to be full of beans sometimes.
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Posted by: |
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The worlds' religions according to Shit
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27/03/2006 |
Taoism
Shit Happens
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all things
generously and is without strife.
Confucianism
Confucius say "Shit Happens"
Buddhism
If Shit Happens, it really is not Shit.
Zen
Shit only Happens when it does not Happen.
Shit is, and is not.
What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism
This Shit Happened before (and it will Happen again).
Islam
If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
If shit happens, blame Israel.
We don't take any shit.
Sunni Islam
If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!
Shiite happens.
Shi'ite Islam
WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
If shit happens, take a hostage.
Nation of Islam
Don't take no shit!
Protestant
Let Shit Happen to someone else!
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Catholic
If Shit Happens, you deserve it!
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Charismatic Catholic
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
Presbyterian
This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine
with it.
If shit happens, hold a procession.
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Methodist
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist and Unitarian
Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran
If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Have faith that shit will happen.
Fundamentalism
If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again(Amen! Shit must be born again.
Conservative Judaism
Why does Shit always happen to us?
Judaism
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Reform Judaism
Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.
Orthodox Judaism
So shit happens, already!
Atheism
Shit Happens for no apparent reason.
No shit.
What shit?
I can't believe this shit!
Agnostic
I think Shit Happens.
Maybe shit happens; then again, maybe not.
Did someone shit?
What is this shit?
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
Baptist
I believe Shit Happens! (Amen!)
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.
Southern Baptist
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!
Shi'ite Baptist
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's will and we know it...
Calvinism
Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism
No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism
God made all shit.
Televangelism
Send more shit.
If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...
Amish
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
Secular Humanism
Shit evolves.
Christian Science
When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray.
Shit happening is all in your mind.
Quakers
Let us not fight over this shit.
Unitarianism
Come let us reason together about this shit.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
Utopianism
This shit does not stink at all.
Darwinism
This shit was once food.
Survival of the shittiest.
Capitalism
That's my shit.
Communism
Let's share this shit.
Feminism
Men are shit.
This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!
Chauvinism
We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism
Let's package this shit.
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Posted by: |
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Shit happens in various people
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27/03/2006 |
George Bush: Read my lips, no nude shit. But a thousand points of shit.
Saddam Hussein: This shit happening will be the mother of all shit
happenings.
Martin L. King: I have a shit...
John F. Kennedy: Ich bin ein Scheisser.
Vladimir Lenin: The fastest and most complete way to destroy a culture is
to make its shit happen.
Joseph McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, a happening shit?
Richard Nixon: I am not a shit.
Ronald Reagan: I don't recall if shit happened.
Nancy Reagan: Just say, `Shit happened.'
Socrates: I am shit. But I know I am shit.
Aristotle: Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens
in its original shape.
Galileo: They say shit isn't happening. Nevertheless it still happens
Blaise Pascal: We are just shit. But we are thinking shit.
R. Descartes: I shit therefore I am.
A. Einstein: God does not play shit.
W. Heisenberg: The more accurately we observe when shit happened, the less
accurately we observe how big the shit was that
happened.
E. Schrodinger: There's a 50% chance that shit happened. And a 50% chance
that it didn't.
F. Nietzche: If shit had never happened, man would create shit.
Ayn Rand: Reason and shit are corollaries. Where reason is used, shit
happens.
Sturgeon: 90% of everything is shit.
Yuri Gagarin: Shit was blue.
Neil Armstrong: For me, that was just a little shit. But when that shit
happened, it was one giant leap for mankind.
Bart Simpson: I will not say, `Shit happened' in the class.
Al Bundy: This is shit. This is shit when you get married and drop
the shit on the ground.
Bill Cosby: Shit is happening to _The Simpsons_.
Buckaroo Bonzai: No matter where shit happens, there you are.
HAL: Dave, I'm in deep shit.
Dr. Chandra, will I shit?
Dave: Oh my god! It's full of shit!
Obi Wan: Use your shit, Luke.
Marty Mcfly: Don't ever never call me shit.
Gremlins: Don't shit after 12 o'clock.
Jessica Rabbit: I'm not shit. I'm just drawn that way.
Robocop: Please stay out of deep shit.
Michael Valentine Smith: Shit groks.
1st Law of Robotics: Robots should not shit or let shit come to happen.
Hari Seldon: Each shit is random. But mob shit is predicable.
Yuppie: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
God: Wholly shit!
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Senior Style
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27/03/2006 |
As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day, so we could travel together.
After my examination, the doctor said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," I said. "After I am intimate with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining my wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medial concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions, nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after being intimate the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time, do you know why?"
"Oh, that old fart!" she replied. "That's because, the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."
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The Up's and Downs
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25/03/2006 |
I love it when they go down on me.
But when I feel it gettin good,
they go back up.
Damn gas prices. |
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A Naughty little joke
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25/03/2006 |
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
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Equal Opportunity
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25/03/2006 |
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..." |
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some funny stuff
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24/03/2006 |
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.  |
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A few for the Ladies
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24/03/2006 |
some of you have probably seen these  
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals
I know, I know,   
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the surgeons
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24/03/2006 |
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite
case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman
was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's
blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now
she's a senator from New York.  |
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When I'm an old lady......
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24/03/2006 |
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they're on the phone and just out of reach
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
God Bless All Moms and Grandmas Everywhere!
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All I Need To Know About Life........
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24/03/2006 |
........ I Learned From a Cow
* Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
* Don't cry over spilled milk.
* When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
* The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
* Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
* It's better to be seen and not herd.
* Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
* Never take any bull from anybody.
* Always let them know who's the bossy.
* Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
* Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
* Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
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BIKERCHICK69'S NEW T-SHIRT SLOGONS
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24/03/2006 |
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
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DEATH OF THE ENERGIZER BUNNY
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24/03/2006 |
Today the world was stunned by the news 0f the death of the Energiser Bunny. He was six years old. Best known as "Pinkie" to his friends and relatives, the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going....
Authorities believe that the death occured at approximately 8:42 last evening. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming.....
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