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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for April, 2006
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Chinese Sick Leave...
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29/04/2006 |
CHINESE SICK LEAVE
"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house.
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Posted by: |
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A man goes into a cocktail lounge...
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29/04/2006 |
A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady who is sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread!"
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Posted by: |
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Think Fast
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28/04/2006 |
The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic
tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening, the old boy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond.
As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they
all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until you leave." The old man frowned, "I did not come down
here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the
pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Posted by: |
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Nursing Home Police
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28/04/2006 |
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he shouted in a firm
voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag
and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and
away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to
him. Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection
"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyser again!"
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Posted by: |
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Sick leave
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28/04/2006 |
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell
me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and
made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think
you're
going?"
(You're gonna love this..... )
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!" |
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Posted by: |
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How to Get a Life
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27/04/2006 |
It's never easy to overcome a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but here are some easy steps to recovery!
Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years!
Here's How:
1) Let go of the mouse.
2) Turn off the computer.
3) Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
4) Eat something other than taco chips.
5) Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
6) Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your buddy list about it.
7) Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).
8) Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
9) If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.
10) Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.
11) Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.
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Posted by: |
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Jeff foxworthy on Minnesota
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26/04/2006 |
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy".
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
If you have the same number of bars and churches.
If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina and Shakopee.
If you think that ketchup is a little to spicy.
If "vacation" means going up north of Brainard for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
you know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from 'heat to A/C in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raaging blizzard, without flinching.
You see peolpe wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on both your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cable in your car and your girlfriends know how to use them.
There are seven empty car running in the parking lot at Mills Fleet Farm at any given time.
You design your kids halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the pot holes are filled with snow.
You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
You consider Minneapolis exotic.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to the blue spruce.
'Down South' means Iowa.
A brat is something that you eat.
You go out to fish fry every friday night.
You find 0 degrees "a little chilly".
You actually understand these jokes and foreward them to all your Minnesota friends. |
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Posted by: |
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Silly
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26/04/2006 |
Where Should I Park?
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Well, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Well, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "What am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."
Wrong Way Herman
As a 100 year old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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Posted by: |
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Everything I Need to Know...
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25/04/2006 |
...I Learned in Corporate America
1) Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2) The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
3) Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
4) Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
5) I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
6) One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
7) Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
8) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
9) Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
10) The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
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Posted by: |
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A revealing test
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24/04/2006 |
THIS TEST WILL SHOW US HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS TO NOT ONLY GO TO
SCHOOL...
. . . BUT HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS TO GO TO SCHOOL AND TO OUR CLASSES.
Passing requires 4 correct answers
1)How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2)Which country makes Panama hats?
3)From which animal do we get catgut?
4)In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5)What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6)The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7)What was King George VI's first name?
8)What color is a purple finch?
9)Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10)What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Scroll down to check your answers below.
Passing requires 4 correct
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ:
1)How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too. And don't try to tell me you passed!
Pass this on to some brilliant friends so they can feel stupid too.  |
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Posted by: |
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All I Need To Know About Life....
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24/04/2006 |
...I Learned From Trees
* It's important to have roots.
* In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
* Don't pine away over old flames.
* If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
* Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
* Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
* If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
* To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
* Grow where you're planted.
* It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
* Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
* Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
* If the party gets boring, just leaf.
* You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.
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Posted by: |
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Dog writes to Heaven
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21/04/2006 |
Dear Heaven: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear Heaven: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear Heaven: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear Heaven: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear Heaven: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear Heaven: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear Heaven: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear Heaven: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. (My beagle seems to think so)
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last two questions...
Dear Heaven: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
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Posted by: |
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Computers are Like Men....
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20/04/2006 |
...And Women...
Computers are Like Men...
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Computers are Like Women...
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
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Posted by: |
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Affairs
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20/04/2006 |
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed! He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
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Posted by: |
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I can see myself
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19/04/2006 |
....... doing some stupis shit like this
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one!
Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah ... that one does work ...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
=============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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Posted by: |
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hehe
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19/04/2006 |
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about..
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I
should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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Posted by: |
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Things to ponder......
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18/04/2006 |
I know you've heard these before but they still make ya' wonder.....
* Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
* Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
* If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
* Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
* If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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Posted by: |
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Tax Day Funnies
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17/04/2006 |
Lemon Squeezer:
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Seeing Stars:
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said,
"only we see stars, too."
Counting Sheep:
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem; I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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Signs that you had a bad Date
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17/04/2006 |
* Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother. *
You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her. *
She has a thicker mustache than you. *
When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. *
You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass. * You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
* She is better hung than you.
* She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her.
* She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you.
* She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you. |
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Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?
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16/04/2006 |
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.
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THE GENIE IN THE LAMP
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15/04/2006 |
A young man was walking on the beach when he tripped over an antique lamp, picked it up and began to brush it off.
Suddenly from the lamp appeared a genie and it said to the young man...'I'll grant you three wishes...BUT...whatever you wish for your wife will receive double...so be thoughtful.'
"OK!" the young man said..."For my first wish I wish to be the richest man in the world.".....'But your wife will be twice as rich' the genie reminded him.
"That's OK," the young man said..."The richest man should be married to the richest woman."........'GRANTED!' the genie said.
"OK, for my second wish I wish to be the best looking man in the world," the young man continued....'Of course you remember that your wife will be twice as good looking as you are,' the genie repeated.
"That's OK," the young man said..."The best looking man should be married to the best looking woman.".....'GRANTED!' the genie said.
"Now for my third and last wish," the young man said looking thoughtful, "and I'll tell you Mr.Genie I've thought this out throughly...........For my third wish.....I want you to beat me half to death!!!!!" |
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The wave
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15/04/2006 |
At many sporting eveents they made the fans quit doing the "wave".
It was drowning too many blondes. |
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In the pisser with a "FAT" man!
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13/04/2006 |
 While in the pisser recently, doing what we normally do in pissers, the Fattest man I've ever seen waddled up to stand at the one next to me. I really couldn't believe his size so stole a glance at him to confirm it......and he saw me. He must've taken that for a license to talk because, sweeping his arm over his body, he said to me: ......"I KNOW, and the worst part is since I gained all this weight I've not been able to even see my cock!!!" Thinking I could avoid any more conversation I replied.... ........ "Yeah? Well why don't you diet?" To which he looked horrified and replied: "WHY???" "WHAT COLOR IS IT?"  |
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ass. 