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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for May, 2006
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Scotsman in Cuba
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31/05/2006 |
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
  
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Little Kids Are Cute
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30/05/2006 |
A young girl was very much interested in the progress of her mother's pregnancy...
Finally the day of birth drew near and the girl overheard arrangements being made for her mother to go to the hospital.
She looked at her mother with great puzzlement and said, "Mom, I don't understand. If they're going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?"
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Fishing in The Caribbean
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30/05/2006 |
Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"
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You've Had Way Too Much Coffee When...
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30/05/2006 |
1) Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
2) You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3) You sleep with your eyes open.
4) You lick your coffeepot clean.
5) Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
6) You can jump-start your car without cables.
7) Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
8) You don't sweat, you percolate.
9) You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
10) You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
11) The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
12) Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
13) Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
14) Instant coffee takes too long.
15)You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
16) Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
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Man from Nantucket
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29/05/2006 |
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I once knew a man from Nantucket with a dick so long he could suck it, As he whipped his chin with a silly ass grin, If my ears was a cunt I'd fuck it! |
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Long neck
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29/05/2006 |
As she climbs out from under the dinning table, Oh the long necks up here!  |
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Adult book store
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29/05/2006 |
A man heads out the door to go to his adult book store and his wife says,Have a good day Dear"
All morning not one customer, Around noon a beautiful red head walks in and starts looking at the display case with all the Dildo's in it. She asks the owner, "How much is the black one? He replies $29.95. Then She asks, How much is the white one? He replays, $29.95. She says she'll take the black one.
A few minutes later, A beautiful brunette comes in the store and looks at the display case with all the dildo's in it. She asks the owner, How much is the black one, He responds, $29.95. The she asks, How much is the white one? And he responds, $29.95. She says, I take the white one.
It's not long until a gorgeous blond walks through the door and she to goes right to the display case with all the dildo's in it. She asks, How much is the black one? He says $29.95. She asks, How much is the white one? He says, $29.95. She looks a while, then asks him, Then how much is the plaid one? He Say's, It's not for sale! The blond explains Oh I just have to have the plaid one! After a long confrontation, the owner gives up and Say's, OK, fine, $50.00. The blond pays for her article and leaves and the owner closer's up for the day. The owner gets home that night and his wife asks, How did your day go Dear? He Say's, It was great! First I sold a black dildo for $29.95, Then I sold a white one for $29.95, Then I sold my thermos for $50.00! |
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Stopped by a cop
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29/05/2006 |
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Driving home from work i had to pee so bad pulled over on the highway taking a leak a cop pulled up behind me asked me for drivers and registration she came back to my window with a $1200 fine for indecent exposure........YA $100 A INCH |
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LABEL INSTRUCTIONS
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29/05/2006 |
> On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
> (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
>
> On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
> Details inside.
> (the shoplifter special?)
>
>
> On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
> (and that would be how???....)
>
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
> (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
>
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
> down."
> (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
>
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after
> heating."
> (...and you thought????...)
>
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
> (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
>
>
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
> machinery after taking this medication."
> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
> could just get those
> 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
>
>
> On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> (and...I'm taking this because???....)
>
>
> On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
> (as opposed to...what)?
>
>
> On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
> (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
>
>
> On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
> (talk about a news flash)
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
> eat nuts."
> (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
>
>
> On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
> enable you to fly."
> (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
>
>
> On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
> hands."
> (Oh my Gosh...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) |
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EARTHQUAKE
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27/05/2006 |
I first want to say I recieved this before he quake in Indonesia.
There was an 8.5 earthquake in Mexico.
Canada is sending troopers to reinforce the police there.
The European countries [except France] are sendin humanitarian aid.
Not to be outdone, the US is sending 2 million replacement Mexicans. |
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limericks
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27/05/2006 |
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I got the idea when Chazzy asked for 'em. Why dont we all add some? |
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HOW DO YOU KNOW???
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26/05/2006 |
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HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE A BAD OVER-BITE??? ...WHEN YOUR EATING PUSSY AND IT TASTE LIKE SHIT!!! ....KISS KISS SLUTPRINCESS |
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Safe sex
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26/05/2006 |
This isn't a joke or a forward, this is what my friend REALLY said!!!!
When my friend found out from me that his brother had a date, he told me to tell him to use two condoms with red chili powder in between.
When the one outside tears, she'll know, and when the one inside tears, he'll know.
Now THAT"S safe sex!! |
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Nursery Rhymes
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26/05/2006 |
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
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Jack and Jill Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
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Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
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Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over
and gave her a bone of his own.
---------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon
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Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you d!ckhead.
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said F*ck him, He's only an egg.
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Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
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COMMUNICATION
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26/05/2006 |
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language...After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "why don't we agree on some simple signals?... For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over & squeeze my left breast one time.If you don't want to have sex, reach over & squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea & signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over & pull on my penis one time, if you don't want to have sex, reach over & pull on my penis...fifty times."....
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young man
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26/05/2006 |
there once was a young man from peru
who fell asleep in his canoe
while dreaming of venus
he played with his penis
and woke up with a handful of goo.  |
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The Man with Shingles
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26/05/2006 |
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
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25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
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26/05/2006 |
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead
of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
Bonus
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
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The Banker and The Tailor
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25/05/2006 |
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
================================
Banking in New York
A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce, keep it until the loan is paid off, here's the keys."
The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.
Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"
The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"
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wanna bite?
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24/05/2006 |
A guy was on his way to work & he brushes past this chick with the perfect tits in the world. He quickly says sorry & sheepishly asks, "If I give you $10, can I bite your tits?" She looked disgusted & said "NO!"
The guy thought about what he had done wrong & on the next day on his way to work he saw her again, "If I give you $100, can I bite your tits?" but again she goes "NO!". The next day the guys asked for the entire month's pay & he says to the chick, "If i give you $4000, can I bite your tits?" She looked doubtful so he showed her the handful of notes. "Okay but not here,", she takes his hands & pulls him into an alley way on the side of the street & the guy gets down to rubbing, kissing & licking her tits...after about 5 mins., she gets bored & says, "Well are you going to bite them?"
The guy grins, steps back & says, "nope," & walks away.....
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The Donkey and The Raffle
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24/05/2006 |
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron...
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The Moral of The Story Is
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23/05/2006 |
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
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What They Said . . .
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22/05/2006 |
...And What We Did
According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.
1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Live bugs on back-order.
1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.
1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.
1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That's what they're there for.
1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you're right.
1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.
Smartasses... gotta love us!... I mean them!
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Heaven or Hell?
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22/05/2006 |
It comes to the end of Bill Gates long, successful life, he finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...
"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."
Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."
"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.
God says, "That's up to you."
Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."
So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.
"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," says God, and off they go.
Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It's very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.
"Fine," says God, "As you desire."
So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.
Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."
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whats the differerence???
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22/05/2006 |
whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer???? the prostitute can wash her crack & sell it again!!!.....giggles...kiss kiss Slutprincess  |
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logic
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21/05/2006 |
a dumb guy is preparing for his test. His friend drops in to check on him.
"How's ur prep. buddy?"
"Everything's fine, but just can't get the logic section"
"Logic's very easy. lemme help you...."
"Do u have a fishbowl at home?"
"yes"
"Logically....there's fish in it?"
"Yes"
"Logically....someone's feeding them"
"yes"
"Logically....it's you wife?"
"yes"
"Logically....you're married?"
"yes"
"Logically....you're heterosexual?"
"yes"
"so you see, it's easy!!"
"thanks a lot buddy!"
Now dumbguy visits another friend..... also preparing for CAT.
"How's ur prep?"
"Fine , just the logic part's dfficult"
"Oh logic's very easy... my friend just explained it to me...."
"Really, how?"
"You got a fishbowl?"
"Nope"
"bloody homo..." |
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the bus (translated from hindi)
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21/05/2006 |
A little background first:-
We usually refer to ships and some other vehicles as "she".
for eg:- The ship sank with her.....
Similarly in hindi all vehicles are referred to in the feminine gender. There is no neuter gender ( it ).
eg:- what time does "she" reach New York . instead of what time does "it" reach NY.
So here's the joke:
Ram and Shyam were asked by the teacher during grammar class.... is the bus male or female?
Wicked Shyam answers "It's a female because people "ride" it...."
Teach's shocked.
Ram asks... then why doesn't it have kids?
Shyam: Coz everyone get's in through the back door.
Teacher hysterical.
Ram: But the conductor and driver get in from the front!!
Shyam: yes, but they wear caps!! (driver's uniform)
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Breakfast
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19/05/2006 |
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment". 
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they make love. 
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says "The egg timer's broken!" |
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Things Men Take for Granted
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19/05/2006 |
1) Your last name stays put.
2) The garage is all yours.
3) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4) Chocolate is just another snack.
5) You can never be pregnant.
6) You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7) You can wear no T-shirt to a water park.
8) Car mechanics tell you the truth. They lie to me, they're gonna get their nuts torked!
9) The world is your urinal.
10) You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just 'too icky'.
11) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. righty tighty, lefty loosy
12) Same work, more pay.
13) Wrinkles add character.
14) Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.
15) People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
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