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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for June, 2006
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Just plain silly
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30/06/2006 |
The Man and The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Wish I could...
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30/06/2006 |
The traveling salesman come walking down the old dirt road wqhen he come up on a cabin And there on the porch sat an old hillbilly in a rockin chair whittlin on a stick
And next to him lay his old coon dog and the dog was lickin away on his balls
The salesman staring at the dog said to the hill billy God I wish I could do that!
And the hill billy replied " Well ya all better give him a little pet first He don't take right to strangers!"
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Marriage
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29/06/2006 |
They say a man's LIFE is not complete till he meets and marries his "better half" and then it's OVER !
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Question: Sexual Harrassment ?
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29/06/2006 |
How come when I talk about sex to a woman it's called sexual harrassment, But when a woman talks about sex to ME
It's $3.95 a minute ?  |
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You Know You're a Mom When...
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28/06/2006 |
1) Your feet stick to the kitchen floor...and you don't care.
2) When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
3) You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4) You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5) Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6) Popsicles become a food staple.
7) Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8) Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9) You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10) You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
11) You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
12) The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.
So true!!  
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The one time.......
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28/06/2006 |
........ When it's ok to kill your kids...
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed," Dear Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter With trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant, and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John.
P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Kevin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Why am I married?
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27/06/2006 |
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
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A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
" A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus . so shut the hell up."
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The lost Dr. Seuss poem
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27/06/2006 |
I love my job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey,
and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its softwar;
I hug it often, though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job- I'll say it again-
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today.
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!
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Justice
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27/06/2006 |
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing, and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading a book,"she replies, thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?' "Your fishing in a restricted fishing area." he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm just reading," "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said. "But I haven't touched you!" replies the Game Warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day, Ma'am," And he left.
Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads; it's likely she can also think. |
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You Know....
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27/06/2006 |
.....You're Getting Even Older When...
1) You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2) Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3) At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4) Your back goes out, but you stay home.
5) When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6) It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7) When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8) When happy hour is a nap.
9) When you're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.
10) When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11) When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12) When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13) Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14) It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15) Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
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Sky Pilot
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26/06/2006 |
There was this veryegotistical brash young pilot who was always getting in trouble for his "air manuevers. And one night as he approached the airport to land he thought he'd fuck with the tower controller so as he nears the airport he says "Guess Who Asshole!
And the Controller not to be outdone, shuts out the landing strip lights and replies "Guess Where Dumb Ass!" |
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Translations gone wrong
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26/06/2006 |
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, in to Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
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IRISH PROSTITUTE
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26/06/2006 |
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
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Plays On Words
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26/06/2006 |
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count who votes.
6. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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Test yourself!
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24/06/2006 |
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT that difficult.
But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attended... except one. Which animal did not attend?
Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.
This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory
that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
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condoms
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24/06/2006 |
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms: Go home happy.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Subway condoms: The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms: Good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms: No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family.
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, your fun!
Big Red condoms: Make it last a little longer.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms: Friends fly free.
Verizon Wireless: We never stop working for you.
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cheap way out
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23/06/2006 |
Guy goes to shrink and says "Doc im going crazy. Every time I get into bed , I imagine theirs somebody under it" can you help me.
The doc says sure I can--just give me 3 sessions a week for six months and you should be cured.
How much do you charge asked the patient. Doc says 100.00 per session. The patient thanked him and left. Six months later the Doc sees the patient on the street and asks how he is doing, since he never came back for treatment. Fine the patient said- because a bartender cured me for only ten dollars.. How did he do that asked the doctor ? He advised me to just saw off the legs of the bed. |
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Not a bad one!
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22/06/2006 |
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out!!! |
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Job interview
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22/06/2006 |
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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Acme Costumes
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22/06/2006 |
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
Dear Sir:
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co...
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Can i...
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21/06/2006 |
A man & a woman were both inside an elevator. The man looks to the woman and said ....Can i smell your pussy? ..the woman upset said to him "Fuck you ...no!" Then the man said "Oh...it must be your feet!!!"... ..kiss kiss sux sux ...MMM Swallow ..Slutprincess 
I have been away a bit butt having computer problems & illnesses and to top that all off...i lost my cat Tiggie like my own kid in a tragic accident SAt night....  |
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This could be anywhere!!
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21/06/2006 |
So please don't anyone take offense and get their panties in a wad, k?
A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of very ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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Living Will
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21/06/2006 |
While I was watching golf last weekend, my wife and I
got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living
wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never
wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
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FINDING DAD'S VIAGRA
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21/06/2006 |
A young boy of 12 found and took his father's entire prescription of viagra once...the only damage he suffered, however was 3rd degree burns to his right hand.   |
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The Texas Duck Hunt
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20/06/2006 |
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said," Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Dead Girlfriend
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20/06/2006 |
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A guy was chatting with his friend at the bar one day. He seemed down so his friend asks "Is everything ok?" The guy shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, my girlfriend died." "That's terrible!" the first guy exclaimed. "Yeah" says the second guy as he shrugs his shoulders again. "The sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up." |
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Top Ten Things
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19/06/2006 |
You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for un-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- Go Crazy!
6. What do you mean you want play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. What Do You want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? Ahhh, don't worry about that- it's no big deal!
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What's the Difference
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17/06/2006 |
Between a porcupine and a Peterbilt??
Porcupine has the pricks on the outside. |
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birthday gift
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16/06/2006 |
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A fellow who was all out of birthday gift ideas for his mother-in-law wound up getting her a large plot in an expensive cemetary. For her next birthday, he got her nothing at all. When his mother-in-law complained about not getting her a gift he stated "why should I , you never used what I got you last year." |
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