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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for August, 2006
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How Bad Is It, Doc?
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31/08/2006 |
After several months of ill-health, an old man finally musters up the courage to see his doctor for a complete check-up.
He gets to the doctor's office, after which, the doctor runs a number of standard tests.
After a couple of hours, the doctor comes back, and just barely able to look the old man in the eye, he says:
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news...you're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"That's terrible!" says the man. "'How bad is it, Doc? How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor replies, shaking his head.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?"
The doctor looks at him sadly. Then he looks at his watch.
"Nine."
I know..  sorry, couldn't help myself  |
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A Message From Your Dog...
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31/08/2006 |
1. Blaming your farts (gas) on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. Acting disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things! We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you???
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doctor doctor
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31/08/2006 |
A fellow goes to the doctors and says: "Doctor, I think there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bum."
The doctor asks him to bend over so that he can examine him.
"Is it serious?" the man asks.
"I'm afraid so," replies the doctor, "it's just the tip of the iceberg." |
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The Seven Dwarfs
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31/08/2006 |
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf Nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"
After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting
..
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
"Dopey shagged a penguin!" LMFAOOOOO |
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Silly boys...
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31/08/2006 |
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
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a love story.......
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30/08/2006 |
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk
and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*&^ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
*marital bliss* LOL |
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Twice a year........
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30/08/2006 |
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, What are you doing?
She answers, I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, He replies, I'm coming too............
I want to see how you live on $800 a year. |
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World's Shortest joke....
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30/08/2006 |
This man walks into his psychiatrist's off - wrapped up in
Saran Wrap......
The Dr. takes one look at him....
*think Groucho Marks*
"I can clearly see you nuts"!!!
ba da bing ba da boom!!
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What Is Your Password.....?
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30/08/2006 |
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will
use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him
to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife that he was keying in..................
P...
E...
N...
I...
S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED . . . NOT LONG ENOUGH
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Blonde Reasoning.......
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30/08/2006 |
Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......
One blonde says to the other, "Which do
you think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Melbourne...?????"
So true...
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Little Johnny!
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30/08/2006 |
So one day the Teacher tells the class When you come to school tomorrow I want you each to tell me a story with a moral ending and then tell me what the moral to the story is!
So the next morning she say Ok Susy you go first! And Susy says "Well we were taking our dhicken's eggs to market in a basket in the back of our pickup when Daddy hit a bump and the basket flew out and all the eggs busted!
And the Teacher says What was the moral to the story and Susy says "Don't put all your eggs in one basket teacher! and the Teacher says Very Good Susy! Mary you're next
And Mary says "We raise chickens for market and we had 20 eggs ready to hatch yesterday, but only 12 of them hatched a chick! And the Teacher says What was the moral Mary? And Mary says Oh Don't count all your chickens before they're hatched Teacher! That's wonderful Mary
Now there sits that dirty little Johnny with his arm waving in the air and she says OK Johnny, but remember this story MUST have a moral to it!
And Johnny says "My Uncle Billy was flying a mission in Viet Nam one day when his Helicopter was shot down by the enemy and he had to bail out with only a case of beer, a 50 caliber machin gun, and a machette, so on the way down in his parachute he drank the whole case of beer! But he landed in the middle of 100 Viet Cong troops! So he used the 50 caliber machine gun to kill 70 viet cong and then he ran out of bullets so he whipped out his machette and hacked 20 more viet cong to death before it broke choopping off the head of one of them viet cong soldiers, and he had to kill the last ten viet cong with his bare hands Teacher!
The Teacher is aghast with horror but says Johnny! WHAT is the MORAL to that story??
And Dirty Johnny says " Well Teacher, You don't fuck with my Uncle Billy when he's been drinking beer!"
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God is a male!
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30/08/2006 |
There is now scientific proof that God is a male entity!
Scientist are now certain that if God was a female, that thing hanging between a man's legs would taste like chocolate! |
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A Priest, a Nun and a Camel
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30/08/2006 |
The Priest and the young Nun had arrived in Africa to add new souls to the Kingdom of Heaven but found out from the locals they must travel many miles across the Arabian Desert to find any heathens! At this time the only mode of transportation was to purchase a camel, so they went to see Abdul the Used Camel Dealer and he sold them a less than perfect old camel ( as an old camel dealer will often do!) and they set out on their jouney for new souls
Now after 4 days they ran out of water and the camel fell ill and lay down right there in the middle of the Arabian Desert and died!
After another day of unsufferable heat and the Nun pleaded with the Priest! Father Do you think God would forgive me if I removed my Habit, for it is so heavy and I am so very hot! And the Priest agreed and absaolved her from any sin in the eyes of God, adding that he too needed to rmove his Robes as he too was hot.
After unrobing the Priest turns to face the now very naked young Nun and instantly is blessed with a nice hard schlong waving itself in the air! And the Nun says excitedly "FATHER What is that ! And the Father thinking what the hell this may be our last hours on earth (and there arent any little 11 year old boys out here anyway!) says very calmly to the pretty young Nun, Well Sister, you see THIS is the "STAFF of LIFE" with it I can create new life!
And the young Nun says, "That is wonderful Father!
Now stick that thing in that dead camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
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Living Will......
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29/08/2006 |
> LIVING WILL
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room, and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent upon some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the
plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.
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Potential and Realistic
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29/08/2006 |
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my Gosh! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.”
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New Research
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29/08/2006 |
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged & masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected. |
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Doctors
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29/08/2006 |
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark M, San Antonio, TX
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew T, Worcester, MA
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient remorsefully.
--Dr. Richard B, Seattle, WA
One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a woman that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan S, Manitoba, Canada
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'nother salesman joke...
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29/08/2006 |
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't be such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough."
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and hisboss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."
So the salesman thinks about it, and the next day he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip." A guy walks over and scoops up some dip and says, "Ugh, this tastes like shit." The salesman replies, "'Cause it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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Modern Medicine....the Urine Machine!
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29/08/2006 |
Urine Machine
*******
A man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his elbow. The doctor has him pee in a cup and then takes the sample and dumps it into a small machine. After a few seconds the machine spits out a piece of paper, the doctor looks at it and proceeds to tell the man that he has tennis elbow, to take a few aspirin and to ice his elbow down every night.
The man is pretty incredulous that this machine could diagnose all this from a urine sample, so he decides to test it. That night he goes home and has his wife, daughter, son, and dog all pee in the cup. Then to make it interesting he adds a little motor oil from the car, and to top it off he masturbates into the cup as well. The next day he goes back to the doctor, who puts the sample into the machine. This time the machine churns out a much longer piece of paper.
The doctor looks at it for a while then says, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that your wife is having an affair, your daughter is pregnant, your son is using heroine, your dog has rabies, and your car needs a new transmission. But as for the good news, if you stop jerking off so much, that tennis elbow should clear right up."
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What would you do?
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28/08/2006 |
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his "manhood" in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have too".
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One you've heard.....
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28/08/2006 |
Always good for a laugh....
Don't Try This At Home...
A formula for inner peace...please read completely:
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. On the show, Dr. Phil proclaimed:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
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The silent treatment
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28/08/2006 |
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. |
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Mother of six
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28/08/2006 |
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." |
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Husband and wife
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28/08/2006 |
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!" |
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Oh, the love!
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28/08/2006 |
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last" |
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Typical macho man.....
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28/08/2006 |
....married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."
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Might as well go fishing....
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28/08/2006 |
A young guy gets a job at a big department store. The boss tells him, "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." At the end of the first day the boss comes down and asks him how many sales he made. One, the kid says. "Just one?" the boss asks. "Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"It was $101,237."
The boss is shocked. "$101,237?! What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new line. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss can't believe it. "A guy came in here to buy a small fish hook and you ended up selling him a truck?"
"No," the kid replies. "He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, there goes your weekend, you might as well go fishing.'"
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The Miracle of Toilet Paper
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27/08/2006 |
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?"
I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband
replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, alth ough he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.....
M Lev...
  
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Case of the Pregnant Lady
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27/08/2006 |
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say
for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are
Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and! sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain
myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a
sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just
lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
M Lev...
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The streak........
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27/08/2006 |
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked, as fast as an old lady can, through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
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