|
LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
|
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
| |
|
|
NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
|
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (9)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (10)
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (6)
|
|
- (11)
|
|
- (24)
|
|
- (19)
|
|
- (25)
|
|
- (26)
|
|
- (49)
|
|
- (64)
|
|
- (39)
|
|
- (14)
|
|
- (57)
|
|
- (45)
|
|
- (34)
|
|
- (23)
|
|
- (38)
|
|
- (56)
|
|
- (67)
|
|
- (73)
|
|
- (54)
|
|
- (44)
|
|
- (69)
|
|
- (72)
|
|
- (60)
|
|
- (49)
|
|
- (51)
|
|
- (73)
|
|
- (44)
|
|
- (37)
|
|
- (54)
|
|
- (100)
|
|
- (59)
|
|
- (104)
|
|
- (126)
|
|
- (71)
|
|
- (77)
|
|
- (65)
|
|
- (76)
|
|
- (116)
|
|
- (13)
|
|
- (7)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (2)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (6)
|
|
- (7)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (9)
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (12)
|
|
- (22)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (17)
|
|
- (11)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (2)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (1)
|
| |
|
WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
|
|
Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for September, 2006
|
|
Once again...pay attaention class
|
30/09/2006 |
|
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Butler Did It
|
30/09/2006 |
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!" |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Coma
|
30/09/2006 |
|
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
It's all in the approach...
|
30/09/2006 |
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers..........2
|
29/09/2006 |
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
***********************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
***********************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
**********************************************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a Uni ted 72 7. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tel l you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers ........
|
29/09/2006 |
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************************ *
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
************************************************************ <
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
************************************************************ *
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************************ * A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************************ *
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************************************************************ *
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an ans wer yo u must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
*********************************************************** |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
"Remember the Time When We...
|
29/09/2006 |
........What Was I Saying?"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived to the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Chapsticks in the Old West
|
29/09/2006 |
The cowboy rides into town rides up to the sallon where the local sheriff is sitting on a bench and dismounts his horse Then hitches it to the rail and walks back and picks up the horses tail and plants a big old wet kiss right on the horses ass! Then calmly saunters towards the saloon.
The Sherriff seen all this and he jumps to his feet and says "Wait a gol darn minute there!" "What the sam hell did you do that for?
And the cowboy says "Do what?"
And the Sherriff says "Don't give me that crap I Saw you walk back and pick up your horses tail and kiss him square on the ass!"Why the hell did you do that?"
And the cowboy says "I got chapped lips!"
And the Sherriff says "And that cures chapped lips?"
And the Cowboy says "Hell no, but it sure keeps me from lickin em!"
 |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Work Ethic...........
|
29/09/2006 |
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the Counter and says, "Hi.? You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really Rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent....
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur And bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to Drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to Escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her Sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
How many
|
29/09/2006 |
Answer the questions without looking at the answers and see how many you get right. Test was asked of high school students.
A--What does a cow have 4 of that a woman only has 2 of ?
B- Female teacher asks boys --whats in your pants that you have but i do not have ?
C--What does a dog do that a man steps into ?
D--What starts with a C, and ends with a T, is hairy, oval and delicous and contains thin whitish liquid ?'
E--What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?
F--What does a man do standing up, that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs ?
G--what word starts with an F and end with a K that causes a lot of heat and excitement ?
OK ==No Cheating
answers---a=legs b=pockets c=coconut d=bubble gum
e=shake hands and d= firetruck
did you pass or fail------hehehe |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Proverbs From the First Grade...
|
28/09/2006 |
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.
  |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Male and Female
|
28/09/2006 |
You may not know this but many nonliving
things have a gender!
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through
them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned
off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if
the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's
often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it
to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under
it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're
soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always
getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the
same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over
time the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't
changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You
thought it'd be male , didn't you? But
consider this - it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. 
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Wish I could do that!
|
27/09/2006 |
Two truckers were just leaving a roadside diner when they noticed just outside the door was a big old hound dog laying there with his leg up, licking his balls.
Trucker #1: "Sure wish I could do that!"
Trucker #2: "Well there's no-one around so go ahead if you want, just don't come crying to me if he bites ya!" |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Mushroom hunting
|
27/09/2006 |
Steve and Walter had been drinking quite heavily one night and after it is dark Steve says, "Let's go mushroom hunting."
Walter then says, "How will we know if they are good or not. Some mushrooms are poisonous."
Steve then says, "No problem, I just taste each one with my tongue and my tongue knows a good one from a bad one."
Steve and Walter go walking through the bush and fields picking mushrooms. Each time they find one Steve touches it with his tongue and says, "Good one, good one, bad one, good one.
All of a sudden Steve stops and says, "This one tastes like dog shit."
Walter says, "Good thing we didn't step in it!!!"
 |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
PETER PAN
|
27/09/2006 |
|
Ever wonder why Peter Pan can fly? If somebody hit your Peter with a pan you'd fly too!!!! |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Magical Shiny-Walled Box Thingie...
|
27/09/2006 |
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
  |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Tree Hugger........
|
27/09/2006 |
While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing? "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said...
"This just isn't gonna be your day.........  |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Teeth Down There..........
|
26/09/2006 |
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so." "No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. "No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look and replies,
"Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised.......... |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Notice : New Alcohol Labels
|
26/09/2006 |
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American
liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are Whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends Over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think
you can sing.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Boys and Girls, it's nursery rhyme time
|
26/09/2006 |
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
Mary had a BMX the seat was back to front
And everytime she pulled her brakes
The seat went up her c**t!!!
LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.
A prostitute's nursery rhyme:
One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.
 
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Three friends......
|
26/09/2006 |
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked one question
"When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last man replies:
"I would like to hear them say: 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"
Lame, I know 
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Ad
|
26/09/2006 |
Post Date:
Aug 7th, 2006
Expire Date:
Sep 6th, 2006
$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Chugga chugga choo choo!!
|
26/09/2006 |
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears a whistle:
"Whooee da Whoee!"
He sees something coming towards him, but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Woman Joke
|
22/09/2006 |
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long"
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Mushrooms
|
22/09/2006 |
Earl: My first wife died from eatin' wild mushrooms.
Billy Bob: That's too bad, sorry ta hear that.
Earl: My second wife died from a concushun' ta da' head.
Billy Bob: Man! You've had some bad luck! I'm real sorry ta hear that too!
Earl: Yeah, she wouldn't eat her damned mushrooms!
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Hot Diggity Dog...
|
22/09/2006 |
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Funeral
|
22/09/2006 |
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter and was smiling ear to ear.
When all eyes turned and stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist". That's when the proctologist fainted.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Context is everything
|
22/09/2006 |
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Perfect
|
22/09/2006 |
A man asked his friend why he never got married. He replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now. Surely you've met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" The guy shrugged and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Finally together
|
22/09/2006 |
So there was this woman. She married her high school sweetheart and had 8 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.” |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
