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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
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Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for October, 2006
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Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet...
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31/10/2006 |
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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Posted by: |
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Hollywood Harmonies...
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30/10/2006 |
Steven Spielberg was holding a very special meeting where he discussed his new project...an action biopic about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg needed the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray.
"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Stallone. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."
Badabing! 
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Elderly Woman
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30/10/2006 |
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kin d of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amou nt of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"
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My grandmother's...
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28/10/2006 |
I publish this joke in the name of my dearly departed grandmother, who made this joke up. It's short and gets mixed reactions, but you can clearly see where I get my humor genes from. She would have gotten a kick out of seeing it in print...Oh, and before you wish condolances, she's been gone some 15 years now...She'd laugh at that one too...
Why did the moron walk through the tall grass?
because it tickled him...  |
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The test
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27/10/2006 |
> >>
> >>Subject: Test
> >>
> >>Test
> >>
> >>A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
> >>wearing an oxygen
> >>mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated
> >>from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.
> >>
> >>A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
> >>sponge bath.
> >>
> >>"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
> >>testicles black?"
> >>
> >>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
> >>Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet,"
> >>
> >>He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
> >>black?"
> >>
> >>Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
> >>about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
> >>sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis
> >>in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving
> >>them around.
> >>Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
> >>nothing wrong with them, Sir."
> >>
> >>The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
> >>says very slowly:
> >>" Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
> >>very, very closely....
> >>A r e -- m y -- t e s t -- r e s u l t s -- b a c k?"
> >>
M Lev...  |
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Animal Planet
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27/10/2006 |
A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
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the skeleton
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26/10/2006 |
why did the skeleton not cross the road????
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because he didn't have the guts. wa, wa, wa |
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The Parrot
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26/10/2006 |
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith"
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Next Witness
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26/10/2006 |
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
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The Airhead's Cookbook...
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25/10/2006 |
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom.
If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
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Mary
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24/10/2006 |
Mary had a little pig
She kept it in a bucket
Cause every time she took it out
The bulldog tried to fuck it
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hillbilly boy
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24/10/2006 |
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a young man lived in the hills of Kentucky with his new wife of only a year. one day he got word that his favorite aunt had passed away. after the funeral, as the will was read, he discovered that he had inherited an 80 acre farm, complete with a house on it. now this lad had NEVER lived anywhere but the hills, but at the urging of his friends and family, he packed all his belongings, his livestock, and moved down to the flatland farm his aunt had bequeathed him. a couple months later his wife noticed that every time she fixed her husbands breakfast, she had to go and throw up. "husband,she said, i think i might be in a family way. well dear, you will have to walk the two miles to town and see the doctor" her husband said. after taking a bath, the young wife dressed in her nicest outfit, walked into town, went to see the doctor like her husband told her. after the kindly old doctor had examined her, he handed her a small bottle telling her " dear, i need a urine specimen. bring it back tomorrow" she dutifully walked back home, fixed her husbands lunch and got out of her nice outfit. when he came in for lunch, she asked" husband, what is a urine specimen?" when he told her he had no idea, she explained what the doctor had told her. "well wife, why dont you walk to the Johnson place that you passed on the way to town, they have 5 kids and i am sure Mrs. Johnson will know what a "urine specimen" means." after the young woman had rested a bit, she put her nice dress back on and left for the neighbors place.sometime later, the young man returned to the house to find his young wife looking disheveled,bruised, and VERY upset. "what in the world has happened dear?well, she answered..i dont think much of our neighbors....i walked up to the Johnson place and the dogs was a-barkin..the baby was a-bawlin, and all i did was ask old lady Johnson what a "urine specimen" was? well , when she told me to go piss in a bottle, i told her to go shit in a birds nest and THE FIGHT WAS ON"!!!! |
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Silly Halloween Joke
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24/10/2006 |
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops
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Today's Letter is...R!
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24/10/2006 |
There was a priest who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the priest approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace:
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your entire life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the priest replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the priest to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The priest was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately, several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single parchment, repeating over and over, "there's an 'R', there's an 'R', there's an 'R'..."
"What's the matter, sir?" asked the Saints and Angels.
"There's an 'R'!" exclaimed the priest. "It's celibRate!"
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To MY Brother......
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24/10/2006 |
At a small 50th birthday "roast" I threw for my brother, I dedicated this one to him.
"It's been so long since my brother had a blow job, he forgot what it tastes like"!!!
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Manners
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24/10/2006 |
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life, that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning after her honeymoon, she crawled out of bed quietly after making love to pick up her husbands clothes and accidentally let out a big fart !
She looked up at her husband and said " excuse please my husband" but you make front hole so happy that back hole
laugh out loud "  |
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Don't take this the wrong way....
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23/10/2006 |
.... it's just cute!
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you suppose to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black.
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.
This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks.
"Chocolate M&M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain, he's got nuts."
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Marital Miscommunication...
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23/10/2006 |
A man and his wife are driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, the officer approaches the car and the following scene ensues:
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Will you just shut your mouth, Betty?!"
State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's drunk..."
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BMW M3 Coupe
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23/10/2006 |
23-year-old metropolitan, Johnny Slick parks his brand-new BMW M3 Coupe in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he gets out, a truck comes along too close to the curb and completely tear's off the driver's side door. Johnny immediately grabs his mobile phone and dials 911. Five minutes later, a policeman pulls up.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, Johnny begins screaming and ranting hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
Johnny Slick finally winds down from his rant, the policeman shaking his head in disgust and disbelief:
"I can't believe how materialistic you city types are," he says. "You're so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" Johnny asks arrogantly.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you know that your right arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you!"
"Dang it! " Johnny screams...
"Where's my Rolex?!?"
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Surgeons
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20/10/2006 |
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable."
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This is so stupid it must be true!!
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19/10/2006 |
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION
REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42,500.00 (with
monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys drive onto a frozen lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two "Rocket Scientists", afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse ( and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the
NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun
and shoots at the dog. ! The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes
really confused and of course terrified and thinks these two
geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover. Yep, you guessed it; under the brand new Navigator!!
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.
He had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. ..The dog is okay... Newspaper item from Wisconsin...
AND THEY MAKE FUN OF HILLBILLIES?!! 
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cold ones after work..... : )
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18/10/2006 |
Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.
Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."
The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work...."
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Posted by: |
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For The Restaurant.......
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18/10/2006 |
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This is not a joke as much as it is a statement of fact. I have, on occasion, gone to a resturant and upon entering I have blurted out to companions that "I'm so hungry I'm fartin' fresh air"!! That's always an attention getter. |
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Desert Island Survival Tips...
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18/10/2006 |
Artie and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Artie turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Artie, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Artie," begged Esther. "I didn't send those, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?" to which Artie responds:
"They'll find us!"
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My favorite joke
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17/10/2006 |
University scientists have released the results of a recent analysis that reveals the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. It turns out that the "hops" in beer contain certain phyto-estrogens, and scientists believe that be drinking enough beer, men may turn into women. In the study, 100 male volunteers were asked to drink 8 pints of beer in one hour. The results were observed and recorded. At the end of one hour, every single subject had developed female characteristics and the test was terminated. The data is provided below:
After one hour, 100% of the test subjects:
1. gained weight.
2. talked excessively without making sense.
3. became overly emotional.
4. couldn't drive.
5. failed to think rationally.
6. argued over nothing.
7. had to sit down while urinating.
8. refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
After these eight symptoms, no further testing was necessary.
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Take Out a #2 Pencil...
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17/10/2006 |
An airhead reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a quarter and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within a half hour she is all done, while the rest of the class is still sweating it out. Rather than hand in her test and leave, she decides to sit patiently until the time is completely up.
Suddenly, during the last few minutes of the exam, she desperately reaches into her purse and starts tossing the coin again, sweating and muttering under breath.
The moderator, slightly alarmed at her frantic and hurried manner, approaches her and asks, "Ma'am are you okay? What's going on?" to which the airhead replied:
"I finished the exam in the first half hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
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Take All Of These And Call Me In The Morning...
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16/10/2006 |
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
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9 things i hate about everyone
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15/10/2006 |
1) people who point at their wrist while asking for the time... i know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? do i point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2) people who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3) when people say "oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." damn right! what good is cake if you can't eat it?
4) when people say "it's always the last place you look". of course it is. why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? do people do this? wo and were are they?
5) when people say while watching a film "did you see that?". no loser, i paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6) people who ask "can i ask you a question?"... didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7) when something is "new and improved!". which is it? if it's new, then there has never been anything before it. if it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8) when people say "life is short". what the hell? life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! what can you do that's longer?
9) when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "has the bus come yet?". if the bus came would I be standing here DUMBASS?
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Chili Cookoff 2
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14/10/2006 |
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except for Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take
note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI.....
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili's. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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Chili Cookoff
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14/10/2006 |
Got this in an email, I fell off my chair laughing!
For our beloved Texans on WN, please don't be offended, I just thought it was hilarious!
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI.
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI.
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh**-faced from all of the beer.
Report concludes in another thread...was too big for just one....
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