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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for November, 2006
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Well......he did ask !!!
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30/11/2006 |
A man says to his wife 'Tell me sometbing that will make me feel both happy and unhappy at the same time'
Wife replies,,'Your cock is bigger than your brothers'
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Posted by: |
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Where would you be:
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30/11/2006 |
Where would you be:
If - You had all the money your heart desires?
If - You had no worries?
If - You came home and the finest meal is awaiting you?
If - Your bathwater had been run?
If - You had the perfect kids?
If - Your partner was awaiting you, with open arms and kisses?
So, where would you be?
Huh?
You'd be in the wrong f*cking house!
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Another blonde joke
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30/11/2006 |
A blonde girl walks into the Salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, "You'll need to take off the headphones first."
"If I take them off I'll die!" the girl exclaims.
For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it's no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.
"If I take them off I'll die!" the blonde responds again.
The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones, but to no avail, the frustration builds. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn't notice. Sure enough, as soon as the headphones are removed the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.
The stylist can't believe it. Amazed, he picks up the headphones and holds them up to his ears, and listens:
"Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in...."
hehe  |
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oral
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30/11/2006 |
What is oral sex?
A taste of things to come |
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What is the difference
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30/11/2006 |
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What is the difference between women and a washing machine? A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you put a load into it |
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Cavemen
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30/11/2006 |
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Why did Cavemen drag their women by the hair on their head? Answer: If you drag then by their feet, they fill up with mud. |
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success
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30/11/2006 |
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man is walking down the street an see’s a ladder going up a building with a sign that says ’’climb the ladder to success’’. He starts climbing an comes to a window where an ugly woman says ’’ fuck me now or climb the ladder to success’’.He thinks hell no an keeps climbing, coming to another window is an ok looking woman that says ’’fuck me now or climb the ladder to success’’, he decides to keep going an comes to another window where a beautiful woman says ’’fuck me now or climb the ladder to success,The man thinks man this keeps getting better an better I have to go on. so he climbs to the top of the building an see’s a fat greasy man jerking himself off an smiling.The man asks who the fuck are you the guy replies I’m cess!!!!! |
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Jewelry
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30/11/2006 |
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” |
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black&Decker
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30/11/2006 |
What Do You Call A Black Girl With Braces?
A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker |
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mating call
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30/11/2006 |
whats the mating call of a blackbird?
stick it in mama’s ass Leeroy!!!!
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a nun
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30/11/2006 |
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A nun is sat on a bus and sat in front of her is this slap head that is eating a bag of prawns and he keeps spitting the heads off the prawns onto the floor so the nun keeps picking them up and throwing them out of the window in the end she gets fed up of it and presses the Emergency Stop button So the slap head turns round and says "You can get a £50 fine for pressing that you stupid slut " so the nun says "And when i cry rape and they smell your fingers you will get 10 year" |
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sex
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30/11/2006 |
What 4 animals do you see after having sex?
2 tired asses, 1 wet pussy and 1 dead cock. |
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I Can't be Pregnant
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29/11/2006 |
A young girl had not been feeling well and went
to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor,
"you're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with
are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only
with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that
colony is cockeyed."
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Money vs Size
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29/11/2006 |
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into
the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices
that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a
transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street.
It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's
well worth every cent."
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day.
Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar.
Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed.
I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder,"
his buddy says, "That's my old one!"
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Warning about chicken
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29/11/2006 |
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little girl and a little boy attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!! |
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A little girl
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29/11/2006 |
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and
cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. "I cut my hand on a
thorn, and I want the pain to go away!" Confused, but weary of the
child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The
little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent,
"What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in
her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"
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The beautiful secretary
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29/11/2006 |
The beautiful The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes to
a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she
remembers what her boss told her: "Don't reject the guy outright."
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from
wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to
the man, "I will marry you under three conditions. First, I want
my engagement ring to be a 75 caret diamond ring, with a matching
200 caret diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile.
Then, he nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay, I buy, I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman
says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion
in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in
the middle of the best wine country in France." The man
pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls
some brokers in New York, then calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay,
I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition,
the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think, and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the
man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man
I marry to have a 12" penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his
hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's
muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like
forever, the man shakes his head, looking really sad, says to
the woman, "Okay, Okay, I cut, I cut." of the president of a bank goes to
a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she
remembers what her boss told her: "Don't reject the guy outright."
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from
wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to
the man, "I will marry you under three conditions. First, I want
my engagement ring to be a 75 caret diamond ring, with a matching
200 caret diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile.
Then, he nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay, I buy, I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman
says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion
in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in
the middle of the best wine country in France." The man
pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls
some brokers in New York, then calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay,
I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition,
the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think, and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the
man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man
I marry to have a 12" penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his
hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's
muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like
forever, the man shakes his head, looking really sad, says to
the woman, "Okay, Okay, I cut, I cut." |
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"Hello, Nurse!"
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29/11/2006 |
Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
"OK", he says, "Come on in!"
The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.
She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.
St. Peter replies, "OK. Come on in. But you can only stay three days."
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The Nudist Colony Membership
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29/11/2006 |
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card; you can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours - you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
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Holy mother
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29/11/2006 |
Holy mother, full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him away from all other girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Put his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fuck
And if my mom happened to walk in Bless the shit
I'd be in. |
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Nursery Rhymes
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29/11/2006 |
little miss converd went to her cobard to fetch her poor dog a bone,
when she bent over,
rover took over,.
and gave her a bone of his own
jack and jill went up the hill to have a Little fun
jill that dill
forgot the pill
and now they have a son
humpdy dumpdy sat on a wall
humpdy dumpdy had a great fall
all the kings horses and all the kings men
said f**k him what did he ever do for us |
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brother
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28/11/2006 |
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On One night little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He lay there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mummy doing?" The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. "Well, Johnny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?" "yes..." replied little Johnny in a timid voice. "Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mummy for you." Joanne smiled and said, "oh, OK!" and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms. The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. "What’s wrong???" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern. "Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mummy???" "yes..." the Dad replied nervously. "well... well... Today... *sniff... The mailman came over and he ate him!" |
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breakfast
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28/11/2006 |
Abe and Freda had been married for 50 years. They were having breakfast one morning when Abe said to Freda, "Just think, darling, we've now been married for 50 years."
"Yes," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here together at this very breakfast table."
"I know," said Abe, "and we were probably sitting here naked, fifty years ago."
Freda giggled. "So what do you think? Should we get naked again to see how we feel now?"
So Abe and Freda got up, stripped naked and then sat down at the table again.
"You know, darling," Freda said breathlessly, "I think my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I’m not at all surprised," replied Abe, "one is in your tea and the other is in your porridge." |
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psychiatrist
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28/11/2006 |
Sidney goes to see his psychiatrist. As soon as he lies down on the couch, he says, “I needed to have this appointment because I’m sure I’m gay.”
Doctor Myers says, “And what, please tell me, makes you think you’re gay?”
“Well,” says Sidney, “my father Hershel was gay and so was my grandfather.”
“So what?” says doctor Myers, “that doesn’t make you gay as well. No one has proven that homosexuality is hereditary.”
“Well what if I told you that my 2 younger brothers are also gay?” says Sidney.
“Well that would be interesting,” says doctor Myers. “Is there anyone else in your family who you think is gay?”
“My cousin and uncle are,” replies Sidney.
“I must admit,” says doctor Myers, “that I’ve never come across this before. Is there anyone in your family who has sex with women?”
“Yes,” replied Sidney, “my sister.”
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In the surgery
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28/11/2006 |
Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded doctor's surgery. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," Morris replied.
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Gotta love his accent!
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28/11/2006 |
Sean Connery was sitting by the pool one morning when he got a call from his agent about a new role:
"Hi Sean," says his agent. "Listen I want you to meet up with this director tomorrow morning to discuss the part, about ten-ish."
"Tenish?" asks Sean.
"I don't even own a racket!"
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Please Keep Your Seats in the Upright Position...
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28/11/2006 |
A passenger jet is heading down the runway, when all of a sudden it abruptly comes to a stop, turns around and returns to the gate. Eventually, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally takes off.
A concerned passenger asks a flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.
"I hope it's all sorted now," replied the nervous passenger.
"Oh yes, it's fine now, sir. It just took us a while to find a new pilot."
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Politically Correct
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28/11/2006 |
If y'all ever wonder where I get my sense of humor, it runs in the family... got this from my aunt and uncle
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
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psychiatrists
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28/11/2006 |
During an annual psychiatrists convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiartrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
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Never Smelled So Good...
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28/11/2006 |
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian cookies.
With all his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked hard with a spatula by his wife.
"GET OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, "THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!"
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