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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for December, 2006
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this one is the shit....
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29/12/2006 |
a blonde's wife called her at work and said "honey, hurry home 'cuz i got a case of diarrhea!!" to which she replied, "i'll be right home to help you drink it!!!"...
that's kinda gross isn't it?  |
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"Elementary, My Dear Watson..."
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29/12/2006 |
On a warm summer night, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip together. As they lay down for the night, Holmes replied to Watson:
"Look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars," Watson observed.
"Very astute, Watson! And what does that tell you?"
Watson thought for a moment and then nervously replied, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. And, uh...meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Watson glanced over at Sherlock and noticed a look of consternation on his face. Unsure if he'd spoken correctly, he decided to prompt and response from Sherlock and replied, "Um...perhaps, I'm wrong. What does it tell you?"
Sherlock pursed his lips, looked intently into the night air and replied:
"Somebody stole our tent."
 
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The Circle of Life...
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29/12/2006 |
A man walked into a bar and with a disconcerted look on his face immediately called out, "Who is the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?"
Another man looked over and replied, "It's mine. His name's Rudy. Why do you ask?"
The first man walked up to him, put an arm on his shoulder and said, "I'm sorry, but my dog just killed your dog."
The owner of the dog was shocked. "Are you kidding me?! It's a Saint Bernard! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!"
The first man nodded in agreement and then said:
"Well, he choked on my Chihuahua."
Bad MH.... baaaaaaaaaaaad!  
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'Twas The Day After Christmas...
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27/12/2006 |
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name...
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"
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Christmas in the South...
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27/12/2006 |
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
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another oldie
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26/12/2006 |
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a nine year-old boy walked into the local drugstore,up to the druggist and says "hey mister,my mom sent me here to buy a package of rubbers,can you get them for me please?"the druggist blinked,swallowed hard and said" now young man there is no way i am going to sell YOU a package of those!" the little boys face turned bright red and he yelled," you old sonovabitch,if i dont get those rubbers i will throw my bike through your godamned front window!!" the druggist abruptly changed his mind and did as the boy asked.the little boy paid for the rubbers and left,much to the druggists relief. about 15 minutes later, a red bicycle came crashing through the drug stores front window ! the little boy walked in, red-faced and screamed " what the fuck did you think my mom was canning, bananas???" |
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merry Christmas to all.......... you sick perverts....
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23/12/2006 |
he laid her on the table,
so white , so clean and bare,
he rubbed her here and there,
he touched her neck, then he felt her breasts,
then drooling, he felt her thigh,
her slit was wet, all was set,
he gave a joyful cry,
her hole was wide open, he looked inside,
all was dark and murky,
he rubbed his hands, stretched his arms...
and then he stuffed his first....
TURKEY !!!!
may i be the first to wish your dirty little mind a merry Christmas and a happy, horny, new year !!!
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a plan gone awry......
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23/12/2006 |
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber." |
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this one'll make your horse cry...
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22/12/2006 |
a man walked into the bar.
sitting there on the bar was a barrel full of silver dollars.
the man asked the bartender, "what's that for?"
the bartender said, "oh that, it is prize money."
the man asked, "well...what do i have to do to win?"
"see that horse back there?" said the bartender, pointing to a horse standing in th corner. "well...if you can make him laugh, you'll win the prize. but beware, NO ONE has ever been able to do that!"
the man thought about it, got up, went over to the horse, whispered something in it's ear...the horse started laughing hard...the man took his prize money and left.
three months later the man went back in the bar, once again, there was abarrel full of silver coins, "what do i have to do this time?" he asked.
the bartender said "make the horse cry."
once again the man went over to the horse, this time he pulled his pants down, the horse began crying hysterically.
as he went to collect his winnings, the bartender asked him, "how did you do that, because many men have tried and failed?"
the man said."oh, it was easy, the first time i told him that my dick was bigger than his dick, and this time i PROVED it!!! |
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A Priest in Customs
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22/12/2006 |
Priest In Airport Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Next ! |
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The Boss
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22/12/2006 |
A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down and his fly area is wide open.
His secretary walked up to him and said "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paperwork he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.
Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said "When you saw the garage door open did you see my Expedition parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said "No Boss, I didn't." "All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires.
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check your IQ...
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22/12/2006 |
Albert Einstein went to a party, where he met three people.
the first was a man, he asked "what is your i.q.?"
"412." said the man
"very impressive, we will talk about the theory of relativity, we will have much to discuss later!" Einstein replied.
next was a woman, again he asked "what is your i.q.?"
"144." she said.
"very good, we will talk of the the expansiveness of the universe, we will have a nice chat later!"
finally, he met another man.
again he asked "what is your i.q.?"
this man replied..."15."
to which Einstein replied...
"HOW 'BOUT DEM PACKERS!!!"
yeah i know that the packers just kicked the vikings ass last night but i want redemption!!!  |
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not to be confused with tica d's "i can't be pregnant"
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22/12/2006 |
a husband and wife had a baby, he was born without eyelids
the doctors peformed an experimental surgery where they replaced his missing eyelids with the extra skin from his curcumsion...he was fine, just a little cockeyed...
sorry tica.. |
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drinking and divorce...
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21/12/2006 |
a wife told her husband "if you don't quit drinking...i'll file for divorce, i'm serious this time!!!"
well the husband quit drinking for about a week...
then he fell off the wagon...he got so drunk that he fell on his ass...breaking the small bottle of whiskey in his back pocket...he felt something sticky and sure enough his ass was bleeding from the broken glass...he cleaned himself up and went to bed...the next morning his wife came in screaming "i want a divorce!!!" the husband asked "why? how do you know i was drinking last night?"
the wife said "by the bloody pants on the floor and the BAND-AIDS on the mirror!!!" |
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This one's cute
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20/12/2006 |
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
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whats the difference
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19/12/2006 |
between a rooster and a prostitute-------a rooster says cock-a-doodle doo---and a prostitute says any cock will do
between a nun and a prostitute ----one puts hope in your soul and the other puts soap in your hole---  |
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what is emuff?
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18/12/2006 |
i work in the restaruant biz...we tend to call english muffins by the shorter "emuff"...on day i thought to my self...would not an emuff be something you'd get on a internet porn sight?...  |
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A cute one.......
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18/12/2006 |
I heard these recently........
Would JESUS shop at WALMART?
Shop at WALMART? Shit, with a name like JESUS, he'd probably be working here!
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Jesus, working at WALMART? Management would love it. He'd be the only one that wouldn't need a health plan! |
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You are gonna hate me for this!
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18/12/2006 |
So this Russian couple were walking through Red Square in Moscow one evening when the man felt something hit his nose and he said to the woman "That felt like rain!
And she replied," No! Felt more like snow!" And the man was adament and said No I AM Sure it was rain!
Well a heated argument was about to take place when the couple spotted a Junior Communist Party Official coming their way. And the man says Let us find out what the Official Red Communist says it was !
Comrade Rudolph, was that rain or snow I just felt?
And The the Communist Official very adroitly said "It Was Rain!"
And the old woman says under her breath "I still think it was snow!"
And the old man says "But dear never forget this.....
Rudolph the Red Knows Rain Dear!" |
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sex in the dark
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14/12/2006 |
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and say s calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
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oops!
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14/12/2006 |
I received this from a friend and have to share:
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
She knew better:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
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My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
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*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! |
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Christmas Carols for Psychos
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13/12/2006 |
Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
Narcissitic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Mania - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
Paranoia - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
Depression - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
Passive Aggressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
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ffffffttttttt....
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12/12/2006 |
a few college seniors decided to pledge some freshmen.
they sent out notices for free sex sessions...
they sent each one to a dorm room where each pledge found a blow up doll, most thought it was funny and came out of the room laughing hysterically...
but one pledge in particular came running out of the room, he was as white as a ghost, they asked him what was wrong. he replied, "the sex was going great, but when i bit her nipple, she farted and flew out the window!!" |
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A Fashion FAUX PAS
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12/12/2006 |
What is bald with a little fuzz on top?
Britney Spears new commando party look!
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weee....
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11/12/2006 |
three men went to the fair, they saw a sign that said "magical slide, 3 rides for $15.00"
they asked then amn who was working the booth, "why should we pay that much for a stupid ride?"
the man said "STUPID RIDE? no guys, you got it all wrong,
it's a magical ride!!!"
"magical? how's that?" the men asked.
"as you are sliding, just shout out something that you really want, your wish will be granted at the end of the ride!!!"
the men were skeptical, but decided to risk it and split the cost to $5.00 each.
as the 1st man slid, he shouted "WHISKEYYYY!!" and landed in a big barrel of JACK DANIELS finest.
the 2nd man shouted "MONEYYYY!!!" and landed in a big 'ole pile of $100 bills.
the 3rd man thought about it for a while, the he slid. "WHEEEE!!""
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The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
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11/12/2006 |
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
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Senior Serendipity...
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11/12/2006 |
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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another oldie....
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11/12/2006 |
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a young man riding his brand-new motorcycle was in a terrible accident. broke his right leg, and did lots of damage to his left thigh.when the nurses at the hospital cut his clothes from him, they noticed he had "shorty" tatooed on his penis. his recovery was coming along well enough after 6 weeks that he was allowed to return home, IF he would allow a nurse to check on him once a day.one very nice, although somewhat plain, nurse volunteered. after a short time, and his full recovery, they began to date. a few months later, they announced that they were getting married! all of the nurses girlfriends were thrilled for the girl who had blossomed after they had begun dating. on the day she came back to work after the honeymoon, the girl was roundly teased about marrying "shorty" "yes, it says shorty all right, BUT, when he gets excited, it reads" shortys bar and grill tuscon,arizona yall come back and see us, hear" |
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The Church Organist
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11/12/2006 |
Miss Wilson had been the Church Organist for as long as anyone could remember A quiet kindly soul who had never married and this concerned the Pastor as to her being all alone He would stop by from time to time to see her. Well one Saturday afternoon when he stopped she invited him in and went to get some lemonade and he noticed a fish bowl with a condom on top of her Hammond Organ Now this perplexed him completely and after a short conversation he had to ask her What in the World is that for?
And she said "Oh that? I found that in the parking lot at church and it said to place on organ and keep wet to prevent disease! And you know I haven't had the flu once this winter!"  |
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