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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for January, 2007
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Cheating . .
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31/01/2007 |
Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got."
Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one.
He then turns to the second guy, asking him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
"A couple of times," the guy mutters.
Peter tells him to take door two.
Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of the guys.
I asked the bartender how come, and he said 'Well,she's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.' So that's when I cheated on my wife."
Peter then told the guy to enter door number one.
The guy asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number two?"
Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!"
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Hollywood Squares - Part Two...
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30/01/2007 |
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
 
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To The Nines...
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30/01/2007 |
One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.
"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."
"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.
"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly. "I'm really on a roll!"
Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.
The horse came in ninth.
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lone ranger and tonto
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29/01/2007 |
lone ranger and tonto are riding along when all of a sudden tonto gets off his horse and kneels down with his ear to floor. tonto says "mmmmm.... buffalo come" lone ranger says "wow you can tell that just from the vibrations?"
"no ear stuck to ground" |
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Barbie Joke
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28/01/2007 |
Question: How come Barbie never got pregnant by Ken?
Because Ken came in a different box  |
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Getting older?
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28/01/2007 |
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember ,if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember !
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
=================
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find some thing lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
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A Man's Brain
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27/01/2007 |
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied. |
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Hollywood Squares
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26/01/2007 |
Do you remember the original Hollywood Squares gameshow? If you do, this may bring a nostalgic tear (from laughing) to your eyes. The following questions and answers were presented to a variety of celebrities and comics on the original game show. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
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farting while you sleep...
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24/01/2007 |
a man would wake up every morning and let a big ol' stinky ripp, which would almost always make his wife get sick...yeah, it smelled that bad! she begged him to get his flatulence checked out by a doctor, but he refused, saying that it's only natural to fart. she told him that one day he was going to fart his guts out. well, on thanksgiving, she had gotten up early to prepare the turkey. as she was removing the inner parts of the bird (the neck, liver, gizzards and heart) she got this evil idea...so she snuck up to the bedroom, took the turkey innards and slipped them into her hubby's underwear.
a few minutes later she heard the usual...followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of him running to the bathroom...all the while she stood by laughing her ass off.
hubby came running downstairs wearing blood soaked underwear...he said "honey, you were right, i did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, these two fingers, and a jar of vaseline, i managed to stuff them back in..."
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Ice fishin'
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24/01/2007 |
One day, a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered deeply into the hole examining it for fish. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed, "There are no fish down there."
Surprised, but not discouraged, the fisherman continued on. He walked several yards away, drilled another hole and peered deeply into it. Again, out of nowhere, a voice suddenly boomed, "There's no fish down there."
A bit nervous now, the fisherman managed to continue. He walked about 50 yards away and drilled yet another hole, peered long and deep into the hole, hoping for some fish. Suddenly, the voice boomed again, this time louder than ever, "There's no fish down there!!!"
The fisherman, quite frightened at this point, looked up into the sky and asked, "God!? Is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said. "It's the rink manager."
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Shave and a Haircut...
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24/01/2007 |
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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Larry's Lamaze Lessons
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24/01/2007 |
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, Larry, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Lost in Reincarnation...
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24/01/2007 |
One night, Tom does what he normally does --- he kisses his wife, crawls into bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe sitting next to him!
"What the heck are you doing in my bedroom...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog would be too tiring, but a hen would probably have a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself nicely feathered and in a chicken farm. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Doggone it Tom! Wake up! You're messin' up the bed sheets again!"
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A man escapes
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23/01/2007 |
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While
tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey. I love you."
The wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me
he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too"
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Bob and the Blonde
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22/01/2007 |
>
>
>
> Bob and the blonde...
>
>
> Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
>
> He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at
>the T.V. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
>story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
>
> The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll
>jump?"
>
> Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
>
> The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
>
> Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
>
> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy
>on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
>
> The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20
>to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
>
> Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this
>earlier on the 5 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."
>
> The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd
>do it again."
>
> Bob took the money......
M Lev... 
> |
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Horsing Around...
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22/01/2007 |
Brian and his two friends are hanging out at a bar. They're talking about life, sports and other guy things when the conversation finally gets around to to their marriages.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "You know what? I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Brian, surprised by the candor of his friends, decides to come forth with his marital concerns: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him, or course, with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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Oh, how we love our beer
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22/01/2007 |
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth!
This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Stay Sober. .!
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22/01/2007 |
An Englishman, Irishman and an American are standing at the top of the Empire state building. The American says "Do you guys know, that it is possible to jump off here, fly around for a while and land exactly where you took off?" The Irishman says "Wow, thats amazing,,,can you show us?" The American jumps off, flies around for a while and lands back where he started. The Irishman says "Ok,,,my turn now ", he jumps off and quickly falls to his death. The Englishman turns to the American and says, "Fucking hell Superman, you can be a real nasty bastard when your drunk "!
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maggie and maude...(more old chicks...)
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15/01/2007 |
two elderly ladies (maggie age 80 and maude age 89) were sitting outside the nursing home, having a smoke...
all of a sudden it began to rain. maggie reached into her purse, pulled out a condom, snipped off the end, put over her cigarette, and continued to smoke. "what the heck is that?" asked maude. "it's a condom, stupid. it's keeping my cigarette dry." said maggie. "well, where can i get one?" asked maude.
"any drug store sells them." they finished their smokes and went inside for the night.
the next day maude shuffled her way to the local drugstore, where she asked the pharmacist (loudly!) "I NEED A BOX OF CONDOMS!!" well the pharmacist was embarrassed by this (she was, after all almost 90 years old!!), but he asked her what brand she preferred anyway.
maude replied by saying "I DON'T CARE, AS LONG AS IT FITS ON A CAMEL..."
the pharmacist fainted... |
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old chicks...
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14/01/2007 |
late ine night, a police officer was patroling his beat, when he checked the local used car lot, he came across two little old ladies, they were just sitting in a used car. he asked them "what are you doing, trying to steal this car?"
"oh, no officer, we bought this car earlier today." said one of the ladies. "well, then why are you still here?" asked the officer. "we can't drive." said the other old lady. "if you can't drive, then why on earth did you buy this car?" asked the officer. "we were told that if we bought a used car from this dealership, we'd get screwed, so now we are just waiting..." |
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cats in trees...
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12/01/2007 |
i was cat sitting for my sister while she was on vacation...
her cat is strictly a house cat, well kitty slipped outside and ran away, i called for her repeatedly. i figured she'd turn up before morning. she wasn't around the next morning...so i went looking for her, sure enough she was high up in a tree, i called and called but she wouldn't budge...i went home and called the fire department...the cheif said "SORRY, WE DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE." i asked him what i should do...he said "DON'T WORRY...SHE'LL COME DOWN WHEN SHE GETS HUNGRY ENOUGH." when i asked him how he could be so sure he replied "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CAT SKELETON IN A TREE?!?!?"   |
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No Sh*t?
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12/01/2007 |
Did you know that 75% percent of male homosexuals were born gay and the remaining 25% were sucked into it!
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What a gift!
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11/01/2007 |
Last weekend I saw something at The ThunderStick Gun Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something extra for my dear sweet wife for Christmas. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button..... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Stinky looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Stinky (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. He is such a nice cat and he would never forgive me. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a under shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" I don't remember much about what happened next, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Stinky looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it moron," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure a group of enraged Islamic terrorists ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, sucking my thumb, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were behind the TV. How did they back there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
Merry Christmas Honey!
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Oops
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11/01/2007 |
Another oldie
A man calls home to check in with his wife, to let her know he'll be home early, when suddenly, a strange woman answers.
The confused man inquires, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
"I told her we didn't need one, " the man muttered under his breath. ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone...who I thought was her husband.''
The man, suddenly realizes what's going on and begins to fume. Moments later, he says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid hesistates, but answers, ''What do I have to do?''
The man explains to her: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid pauses for a moment to consider the awful deed and puts the phone down. A minute later, the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots!
The maid comes back to the phone breathing heavily, and with a slight quiver in her voice asks, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man, quite despondent at this point, replies, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause follows.
Another long pause.
Finally the man asks:
''Is this 567-5309?''
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Who brews?
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10/01/2007 |
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
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Headlines for the year 2035 !!
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10/01/2007 |
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Baby conceived naturally....Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
Results of 35 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
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swimming pools and potatoes...
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09/01/2007 |
bubba was a semi-attractive guy. but whenever he went to the swimming pool, he just couldn't seem to attract the lovely ladies. he decided to ask his buddy, billy bob, for advice. well billy bob told him this "it's them god awful shorts that you wear for trunks. tell you what, you get a pair of them speedos, a couple sizes to small, and drop a potato in 'em, you'll be gettin' the ladies in no time flat!!!"
bubba tried this, but everyone looked at him with total disgust. he asked billy bob what he did wrong...
"BUBBA, YOU IDIOT...THE TATER GOES IN FRONT!!!" |
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Bad Example. . . .
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09/01/2007 |
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
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Two brothers
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09/01/2007 |
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.
Not only could this new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this way for a small time, he concluded with:
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
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Warning for women
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09/01/2007 |
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
THIS IS NOT A HOAX....
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.
My ass was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new ass was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump.
Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.
In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
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