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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for February, 2007
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Do You want to buy a talking Dog??
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28/02/2007 |
Selling a Talking Dog
>
>A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
>house "Talking Dog for Sale ."
>
> He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
>
> The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
>there.
>
>"You talk?" he asks.
> "Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
> "So, what's your story?"
> The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
>I was pretty young. I wanted tohelp the government, so I told the CIA
>about mygift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
>country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
>figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
>
>I was one of their most valuable spies for eightyears running.
>But the jetting around really tired meout, and I knew I wasn't getting
>any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
>airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
>characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
>was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies,
>and now I'm justretired."
> >
>The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
> he wants for the dog.
>
>"Ten dollars," the guy says.
>
> "Ten dollars!!? Is that all? This dog is amazing.
>Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
>
>"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
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Posted by: |
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Drunk?
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27/02/2007 |
Outside a local neighborhood bar, a police patrol routinely parked outside on the weekends for the obvious reason that several of its patrons had the unfortunate habit of driving home inebriated. On this particular night, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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Over The Cuckoo's Nest...
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27/02/2007 |
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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i want to buy a lexus, please...oops...
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26/02/2007 |
a woman was shopping for a new car, she stopped at her local lexus dealership, just to look, figuring that ahe could'nt afford one anyway. well, she spotted a hot little car, so she decided to give it a closer look, as she leaned over to check out the interior, she accidentaly let a little fart slip out...hoping that no one had heard, she turned to leave, only to find the salesman was standing right behind her. she tried to act like nothing had happened by quickly askibg him how much the car costs.
the salseman replied by saying "MA'AM, IF YOU FARTED JUST BY LOOKING AT IT, YOU WILL SHIT YOUR PANTS WHEN YOU HEAR THE PRICE..."  |
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sneezing
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26/02/2007 |
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.
At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."
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Are you hiring?
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25/02/2007 |
----- Resimay
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings |
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Write it down!
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24/02/2007 |
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?", he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream.
I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?", she asks.
Irritated, he says,
"I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and said ,
"Where's my toast ?" |
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Do you snore?
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23/02/2007 |
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ... or what we did ...but, we took FIRST and SECOND place.
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Perusing the Personals...
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22/02/2007 |
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (***) ***-**** and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Scroll down...
Keep going...
A little more...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society!
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what is it?
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21/02/2007 |
the more you pull on it, the longer it gets...
it fits nicely between your boobs...
it works best when it is jerked, hard...
it fits snugly into a little hole...
the answer is............
a seatbelt, you sick pervs...  |
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Sperm robbery
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20/02/2007 |
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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The Best of Late Night...
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20/02/2007 |
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day
10."Ted, meet Carl - he's going to be joining us this evening"
9. "I got us two tickets to 'Norbit' "
8. "Don't hang up, directory assistance lady -- you're my Valentine!"
7. "There's a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you"
6. "If you want to cuddle afterward, it's another $50"
5. "Valentine's Day is on the 14th this year?"
4. "I got you the smallest box of chocolates because frankly, you're too damn tubby"
3. "We'll do something in a couple of days - it's Late Show Ventriloquist Week"
2. "I picked these flowers up at the cemetary"
1. "Table for one, Mr. Letterman!"
-David Letterman
"Valentine’s Day is the day you should be with the person you love the most. I understand Simon Cowell spent the day alone."
-Jay Leno
"The White Castle hamburger chain is offering couples a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. White Castle says it’s the perfect way to tell that special someone your love is worth $3.99."
-Conan O'Brien
"Michael Jackson has introduced his own line of Valentine’s candy. It’s tremendous. It’s white chocolate with a nut inside."
-Jay Leno
"In schools now, all the kids have to give Valentines to all the other kids so nobody feels left out. I don’t get that. You’re just delaying the disappointment to later in life."
-Craig Ferguson
"This month a "Star Wars” memorabilia company started selling $120 replicas of Yoda’s light saber. After hearing about it, "Star Wars” fans said, "That’s ridiculous; for $120 we could lose our virginity."
-Conan O'Brien
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Pussy and Bitch
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20/02/2007 |
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
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My mother taught me.....
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19/02/2007 |
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR ..
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you |
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3 priests and a bear
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19/02/2007 |
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures!"
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Who Is Jack Schitt????
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15/02/2007 |
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don't know Jack Schitt.” Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and 0. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married 0. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married
Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins—Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new
bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now you know Jack Schitt .. don't let anyone tell you different .. |
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nuns
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15/02/2007 |
Two nuns driving down a dark road in Transylvania, all of a sudden a vampire jumps out in front of them.
One nun screams and shouts quick show him your cross, so the other nun undoes the window and shouts, "Get out of the way you toothy bloody idiot!!!!  |
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A Modern V-Day...
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15/02/2007 |
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden!?" his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swelled as he looked at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot him."
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Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
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15/02/2007 |
December 8: 6:00 pm . It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalk and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell! The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the dang stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice! Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
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Church Bulletin Bloopers. .
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15/02/2007 |
Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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What starts with a "F" and ends with a "K".
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14/02/2007 |
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. |
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Since my valentine got a computer..
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14/02/2007 |
Since my Valentine got a computer
My love life has taken a hit.
Nothing I say is important
Unless it’s a byte or a bit.
Before she got her new laptop,
Everything was just fine;
Now she says we can’t talk
Unless we both go online.
"But honey," I said, "I’m attached to you;
Love is what I feel."
"That keyword isn’t relevant,"
She said, with eyes of steel.
She clicked the keyboard furiously;
The screen was all she could see,
And then to my horror and shame,
She started describing me:
"Your motherboard needs upgrading;
Your OS needs help, too.
And you definitely need a big heatsink
To cool your CPU."
"Don’t flame me, my sweet," I pleaded.
"Not on Valentine’s Day."
"Fix the bugs, and I’ll see," she said,
While looking at me with dismay.
"What ever you want, my darling;
Whatever you need; you call it.
I’ll upload or download anything,
And then I’ll go install it."
(Her hostile CD keeps replaying,
And though I don’t want to fight her,
Is this what I want for a Valentine?
I’ve been burned; can I rewrite her?)
"Are you all hard drive now," I asked
"Is there no software in you?
Don’t you remember the good times?
Let our memories see us through."
"LOL," she said to me, chuckling.
"You’re nothing but adware.
I’ve got a gig of memory;
I’ve got no problem there."
"Please, honey, we can save it," I said.
"Our love means more than that."
"That’s not in my cache; we’re going to crash,"
She said, as she turned me down flat.
(This woman has really changed;
Do I really want to chase her?
More and more I’m thinking
It might be nice to erase her.)
"Aw, honey, don’t talk like that," I said.
"Can’t we just plug and play?
I hereby accept default,
And I’m yours, my love, come what may.
My goal is to make you happy;
I want to be your portal,
But your sudden, distant coldness
Would test the strongest mortal.
If we need a brand new interface,
So we can FTP,
I’m your go along, get along guy,
And I want you to stay with me."
"If you want to get into my favorites," she said,
And you want to get past my encryption,
If you want to get through my firewall,
Here is my only prescription."
"First, put up your own Web site,
And e-mail me when it’s done.
I’ll check your page rank with Google,
And tell you if you’re the one."
My life has become a real trial,
Since my Valentine got a computer.
If I want her to care about me again,
I guess I’ll have to reboot her
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Valentine's Vernacular: A Dating Dictionary...
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13/02/2007 |
DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
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Another Valentine's Day Funny
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13/02/2007 |
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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Silly Valentine's Day Jokes
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13/02/2007 |
Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A: Hogs and kisses!
Q: What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A: A stupid cupid!
Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
A: It was Valenswine's Day!
Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A: Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: "I'm sweet on you!"
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: "I find you very attractive."
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A: A hug and a quiche!
Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: "You mean a great dill to me."
Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: "I love you a ton!"
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: "You're fun to hang around with."
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pincushion!
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: "I dot my i's on you!"
Q:Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
A: She didn't suit his taste!
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
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Stiff
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09/02/2007 |
A man went to visit his grandparents
when he arrived, he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
The man asked, "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!"
The old man turned his head and looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?", he asked again.
after a long pause, the old man slowly looked at his grandson and said, "last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea." |
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the bus trip...
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07/02/2007 |
a woman was about to get on the bus, when she realized that her mnin skirt was to tight to allow her legs to make the step up into the bus, so she reached around and unzipped it a little, again she could not make the step, so she smiled at the bus driver and again, she reached behind her and unzipped a little bit more of her skirt, still she was unable to make the step, went on for a few more minutes, until the gentleman behind her, a tall man from texas, gently picked her and place her on the bus. well, the lady went ballistic, "how DARE you touch my body, when you don't even know me!!!!!!!!" she screamed.
well the gentleman said "yes 'mam i felt that way too, but when you unzipped my fly five times, i thought we we becoming friends..."  |
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junior's hunting trip
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07/02/2007 |
a father took his son on his very first hunting trip.
after they got their deer stand set up, and everything was ready, the father told the son, "you stay here and be very quiet, i'll go across the field and see if i can scare up a couple of big bucks...
about ten minutes pass, and the father hears a blood curdling scream, he rushes back to hte deer stand. his son is just sitting there. so the father says "WTF...I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET !!!" to which the son replied "LOOK, I STAYED QUIET WHEN THE SNAKE SLITHERD ACROSS MY SHOE, AND I STAYED QUIET WHEN THE BEE STUNG MY NOSE, I STAYED QUIET WHEN THE SKUNK WALKED BY HERE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN COUGH WHEN I SWALLOWED A GNAT...BUT WHEN TWO CHIPMUNKS CRAWLED UP MY TROUSER LEGS AND SAID {SHOULD WE EAT THEM HERE, OR TAKE THEM TO GO?}, I GUESS I FREAKED OUT A LITTLE, OK???????!!!"
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doggy style...
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07/02/2007 |
three good looking male dogs were trying to get the attention of a sexy french poodle. she saw them and knew of their intentions. she said "i'll only go out with a clever man with a quick wit. the first one of you who can impress me with a clever, witty sentence using the words LIVER and CHEESE will be my choice for a date."
the first dog, a beautiful black lab, said "i like liver, but i hate cheese."
the poodle turned up her nose and said "uugghhh, is that the best thing you can come up with??"
the next dog to speak was a gorgeous irish setter, his reply was "liver and cheese? what a good snack !!!"
again the poodle turned up her nose "that's about the dumbest thing i have ever heard.!!!"
so she turns to the third dog, (which just happens to be the TACO BELL chiauau...) and says "well, what do you have to say??"
"liver alone. cheese mine." |
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