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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for March, 2007
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Yet another Lawyer joke
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31/03/2007 |
I haven't read all the jokes yet, hopefully this ain't here.
Does anyone know how to save a lawyer from drowning????
Good!!! |
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Posted by: |
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its cruel when you think about it
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30/03/2007 |
A CUCUMBER, A PICKLE, AND A PENIS WERE TALKING ABOUT THEIR AWFUL LIVES.
THE CUCUMBER SAID,"MY LIFE SUCKS, WHEN I GET BIG FAT AND JUICY, THEY CUT ME UP & TOSS ME IN A SALAD"
THE PICKLE SAID,"WHEN I GET BIG FAT & JUICY, THEY COVER ME IN VINEGAR AND THROW ME IN A JAR"
THE PENIS SAID,"U THINK THATS BAD, WHEN I GET BIG FAT AND JUICY, THEY PULL A PLASTIC BAG OVER MY HEAD, STICK ME IN A DARK DAMP ROOM & BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL TILL I THROW UP AND PASS OUT"
 
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Posted by: |
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medical distinctions
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29/03/2007 |
*Medical Distinctions*
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...
*GUTS* - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
*BALLS* - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both will
ultimately result in death.
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Posted by: |
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Bubba
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29/03/2007 |
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain'! t Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
I know, I know... it's bad...  me
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Posted by: |
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Pleas help!
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29/03/2007 |
PLEASE HELP
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done!... and then some!
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Posted by: |
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Two ways....
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29/03/2007 |
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I Understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything !!
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Posted by: |
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Another lawyer joke
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29/03/2007 |
Sorry...... hehe
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Posted by: |
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Girl walking the dog
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28/03/2007 |
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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Posted by: |
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Hey Baby...........
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27/03/2007 |
Do you know how to tell the difference between an infant and a terrorist?
The terrorist is the one with the diaper on his head!
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Posted by: |
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How Many Women?
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27/03/2007 |
After three years of marriage, the wife was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
She promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
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street walker
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27/03/2007 |
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Did you hear about the little boy who asked the streetwalker how old she was?? The boys father said thats her business. The boy replied, we how long has she been in business?? |
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Small things
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27/03/2007 |
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It's the little things that count, unless you're a tit man |
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Posted by: |
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A Pair??
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27/03/2007 |
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Why is it that women can have a pair of panties, but only one bra??? |
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Posted by: |
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Eight Words - 2 Meanings.
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27/03/2007 |
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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Posted by: |
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Another blonde joke
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26/03/2007 |
Another oldie but goodie
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
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Posted by: |
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New Wine for Seniors
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26/03/2007 |
California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as...
PINO MORE
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Posted by: |
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A Spring Cleaning Cheat Sheet...For Men.
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23/03/2007 |
* Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for your mother in law)
* Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher.
* Dust pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.
* Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look for your old "lucky shirt".
* Bucket (buk' it)- Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our seven-year-old.
* Mop - (mop) a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party last year.
* Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower luffa again!
* Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.
* Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the EXTERIOR of the house (hint hint).
* Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men DO squeegee!
Final Note:
While Duct tape may be a wonderful plumbers aid, it's really not the best solution for keeping the bathroom towels in place, and Jamie's teacher is still asking why his homework was stuck to his forehead last week. For these reasons, I have hidden the duct tape and distributed your picture to the local hardware stores. Don't make me call Duct Tape Anonymous again.
Take your time, everything will be fine. If you need me, I'll be in the basement cleaning up the smoke damage from your "do it yourself" electrical rewiring incident last week.
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Posted by: |
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How Medicare Really Works
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22/03/2007 |
How Medicare really works!
Here's how Medicare really works!
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husbands. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which your husband's
is."
"That's dreadful!
Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." |
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Posted by: |
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Taxi driver
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22/03/2007 |
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, when then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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Posted by: |
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Workplace Negotiations...
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22/03/2007 |
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Posted by: |
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A Hangover Ratings Guide...
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22/03/2007 |
One-Star Hangover: No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.
Two-Star Hangover: No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.
Three-Star Hangover: Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and not so productive. You have the attention span of a gnat. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 3:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of Diet Coke - yet you haven't peed once.
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Posted by: |
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How to make a woman happy
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22/03/2007 |
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food |
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Posted by: |
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Student Nurse!
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22/03/2007 |
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,four hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him
a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles,from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body
and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at
her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
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Posted by: |
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For the ladies
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22/03/2007 |
Please, guys, no backlash for this one, ok? I know better 
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal. |
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Perspectives on Life
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22/03/2007 |
Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons . . . Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today . . . I did.
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Posted by: |
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Personal Ad definitions
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22/03/2007 |
Definitions for understanding the Personal Ad descriptions
>>
>>>
>>> 40-ish...................................49
>>>
>>> Adventurous........................Slept with everyone
>>>
>>> Athletic...............................No tits
>>>
>>> Average looking...................Ugly
>>>
>>> Beautiful............................Pathological liar
>>>
>>> Contagious Smile.................Does a lot of pills
>>>
>>> Emotionally Secure..............On medication
>>>
>>> Feminist.............................Fat
>>>
>>> Free spirit...........................Junkie
>>>
>>> Friendship first..................Former slut
>>>
>>> Fun...................................Annoying
>>>
>>> New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
>>>
>>> Old-fashioned....................No BJs
>>>
>>> Open-minded......................Desperate
>>>
>>> Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing
>>>
>>> Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
>>>
>>> Professional......................Bitch
>>>
>>> Voluptuous.......................Very Fat
>>>
>>> Large frame......................Hugely Fat
>>>
>>> Wants Soul mate..................Stalker
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A WOMAN'S ENGLISH:
>>>
>>>
>>> 1. Yes = No
>>>
>>> 2. No = Yes
>>>
>>> 3. Maybe = No
>>>
>>> 4. We need = I want..
>>>
>>> 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
>>>
>>> 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
>>>
>>> 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
>>>
>>> 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
>>>
>>> 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
>>>
>>> 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
>>>about?
>>>
>>>
>>> A MAN'S ENGLISH:
>>>
>>>
>>> 1. I am hungry = I am hungry
>>>
>>> 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
>>>
>>> 3. I am tired = I am tired
>>>
>>> 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
>>>
>>> 5. I love you = Let's have sex now
>>>
>>> 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
>>>
>>> 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
>>>
>>> 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
>>>
>>> 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
>>>
>>> 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
>>>
>>> 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm |
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Life's Lifecycle
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22/03/2007 |
I think the life cycle is all backwards
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
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Posted by: |
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Blonde Genies
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22/03/2007 |
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
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A new twist on an old story..............
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21/03/2007 |
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to SHIT!"
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