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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for April, 2007
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ouch!!
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30/04/2007 |
a man walks into a store and one of the cashiers stopped him to tell him that his barracks door was wide open. well, not understanding what she meant, he just smiled and continued shopping. a few minutes passed by, and a man told him that his zipper was down. then it hit him, that's what the cashier meant...so he zipped up his fly, and finished his shopping.
as fate would have it...he ended up in that same cashier's checkout line....so he decide t o have fun with it...and said, "when you noticed that my barracks were open, did you see the soldier standing at full attention?"...
the cashier thought about it...and said "no, all i saw was a tired old marine...sitting on two worn out old duffel bags!!"  |
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powder??
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30/04/2007 |
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'." |
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deadly therapy ..... : )
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30/04/2007 |
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, margie Referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at mayself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His Wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back in a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Damn!! That was wonderful!!"
The Husband says, "Don't move!! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back....." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife....
She's not my wife....
She's not my wife....
Sorry to say but, His funeral service will be held on Saturday. |
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Harley Man
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27/04/2007 |
A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development recent to the inside of her thighs.... A green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn't worry until tests come back.
He sends her home. A few days later, the women's phone rings.. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going
on with these "spots"?
"You're perfectly healthy...there's no problem.
"But I'm wondering...is your husband a Harley guy?" The doctor asks. "Yes. How did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
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A cop on patrol.
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27/04/2007 |
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car ...
... with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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Aging Gracefully...
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25/04/2007 |
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
***
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
***
I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, windy, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my Arizona driver's license!
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A 97-year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lower!"
***
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart!" The rabbi exclaimed, "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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Kinda Cute........
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25/04/2007 |
A man goes into a Chinese eye doctor for an exam. When the doctor completes the exam, he says to the patient "you have a cataract". The patient says "no, I drive a LINCOLN"......  |
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A Bad Day at Work...
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24/04/2007 |
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won:
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment that sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now, this all sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's fantastic...it's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This, of course, only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bottom started to feel a burning sensation. I pulled the hose out from my back, thinking that maybe the water was too hot, but the damage was done.
In agony, I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it directly into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I had scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish, and all of its poisonous, stinging tentacles, into the crack of my bottom.
I immediately informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my bottom was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bottom.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.
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I may be in trouble for this one
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24/04/2007 |
Political... in a way... but please don't delete!
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
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Difference between Women and Men
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24/04/2007 |
Thought this was cute, too
1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale
4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items
5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that.. is the beginning of a new argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing
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Everything Is Not What It Seems...
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24/04/2007 |
I thought this was kinda cute
Three birds were flying south for the winter. Unfortunately, there was an early frost and the birds
were caught in high altitude cold. Their wings froze and they fell to the ground where they began to
freeze.
Suddenly a cow came by and defecated on the birds. Beneath the blanket of warm dung the birds defrosted and came back to health.
The first bird was so happy at this turn of events that he climbed out of the pile of dung, shook himself
clean and began to dance about. This attracted the attention of a nearby cat that pounced on the happy
bird and ate him.
By this time the second bird climbed up and stuck his head out of the dung. He was so happy at this turn of events that he began to sing. This attracted the attention of the cat and he pulled the second bird out
from the dung and ate him.
At this point the third bird pushed himself out of the side of the dung and, not to attract the cat’s
attention, covered with dung, quietly walked over to hide in the high grass. Eventually he met up with his
friends who all ridiculed him for his stinking appearance. Nonetheless, third bird lived a long life.
He would later teach his grandchildren his version of the “Ten Commandments”:
1) Never try to fly as highest of the group.
2) Whatever goes up must come down.
3) Not everyone who defecates on you is your enemy.
4) Not everyone who pulls you out of dung is your friend.
5) Never dance as if no one is watching.
6) Never sing as if no one is listening.
7) Keep your mouth shut when others are celebrating their successes.
8) Always dress for the occasion.
9) In an emergency walk, don’t run to the nearest exit.
10) Never be ashamed of your appearance or of where you come from.
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Still more Blonde jokes
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23/04/2007 |
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!" |
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bad sex life ?
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23/04/2007 |
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here it is folks.....do you think you have a bad sex life ? well, if you do, consider the sex life of ..... an egg . you only get laid ONCE. you only get eaten ONCE.while it takes 15 minutes to get hard, it only takes 3 minutes to go soft. you have to share a box with eleven other guys, AND the ONLY chick to ever sit on your face........WAS YOUR MOTHER !!!!!!!!! |
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Cheap man in whorehouse
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21/04/2007 |
Cheap man goes to whorehouse
Man goes into whorehouse, says, I want the works.
Madame, shouts “grease up Sally”
He asks, how much. She replied $200.00.
Man says, oh no, too much !!!
Madame shouts again “grease up Mary”
He asks how much again. She replied $100.00.
Man says, can’t afford that either !!! You got anything cheaper ?
She replies, Wan the Chinaman is $50.00.
He says, I don’t go for that shit, but why so much?
She replies, the $50.00 is to catch him, he don’t go for that shit either !!!
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Poem
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21/04/2007 |
Scholarship Test:
A retiring college professor was holding a goodbye conference, with students from all over in attendance.
An extended scholarship would be awarded to the top student.
The professor asked “ I want someone to make up a poem using the word Timbuktu “, you have one minute.
Quickly a Harvard student stood up and a Georgia student stood up an volunteered.
Professor gave Harvard student first go.
Harvard student’s poem:
“Across the desert sands, the dusty trail of a caravan, men on camels, two by two, destination Timbuktu”
Professor said now you Georgia, Georgia boy was baffled. He hesitated, professor says your time is almost up.
Georgia boy come up with:
Me and Tim a hunting went, we came across a whorehouse tent, they were three but we were two, so I buck one and Timbuktu”
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Genie hard of hearing
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21/04/2007 |
Genie Hard of Hearing
I man walks into a bar carrying a ten inch tall man and a tiny piano.
He sit’s the man and the piano on the bar, and the little man begins to play.
Bartender says “ wow, that is fascinating, how did you get him? “
The fellow pulls a bottle out of his coat and says rub this bottle and a genie will appear and grant you any wish.
The bartender rubs the bottle, and sure enough out comes the genie who says I will grant you one wish.
The bartender says “ I wish I had a million bucks “, suddenly the bar was filled with a million ducks.
The bartender is shocked, he exclaims “ what’s the deal ? “
Fellow says “ genie is hard of hearing, you think I wished for a 10 inch pianist ? “
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CUTE
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20/04/2007 |
What is the difference between a northern girl and a southern girl?
A northern girl will say "yes you can".
A southern girl will say "y'all can"! |
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Guinness is good for you!
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20/04/2007 |
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.
'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.' The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
'What's up love?' he asks 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and Switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'
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Stupid Jury Verdicts!!
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19/04/2007 |
Only in the good ol' "US of A"..... can these work out OK. A jury of peers?
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of LosAngeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.
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Another oldie
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19/04/2007 |
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
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Another oldie but goodie
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17/04/2007 |
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"
The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."
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Politically Correct about Men.
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16/04/2007 |
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR
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Politically correct about Women !
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16/04/2007 |
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER
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A Change at DISNEY WORLD.......
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16/04/2007 |
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It has been announced that WALT DISNEY WORLD is now offering their fantasy wedding package to gay couples. They now have to change a few names of some of their attractions. DISNEY officials have determined that one of the attractions to have a name change is BIG THUNDER MOUNTAIN. The new name will be .......BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!! |
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Tricking a Nun
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16/04/2007 |
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
(PS..If there are any nuns in here, please forgive me!!!)
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On The Bus......
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15/04/2007 |
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A blonde woman was next in line to board a bus when she realized that she could not lift her leg to climb the first step of the bus. She realized at that moment, that her skin tight skirt was preventing any movement of her legs. At that point, she reached behind her to lower her zipper of her skirt a little to facilitate some movement but she still couldn't lift her leg. She reached back yet again to lower her zipper a little more, only to find she still couldn't lift her leg onto the bus step. Just then, a gentleman standing behind her, put his hands on her hips and lifted her onto the first step. She indignantly turned around and said to him, "what did you do that for"? He replied "well dear, you've been unzipping me, so I felt that was the least I could do"! |
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Dumb Blond
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13/04/2007 |
A stunning blonde walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the teller at the window that she wished to take the $130,ooo she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $100 bills which amounted to right around $130,000, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the gorgeous woman. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money.
"Are you a widow?" he asked.
"No." she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?"
"No." she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this young blonde could possibly come into $130,000 ligitimatly.
"I bet." she stated.
"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"
"No." she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that your balls are square."
He immediately felt his manly bits and assured himself that in fact they are NOT square and she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. She said that she would contact her lawyer to make it all legit and be back at 9:30 tomorrow morning to settle the bet. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the dense but beautiful woman to come in at 9:30, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing. At 9:30 sharp, the lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man, her lawyer. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him, cupping his balls firmly in her hand. Sure enough, they were NOT square. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." |
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Which Way To The Restroom?
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13/04/2007 |
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a very friendly community.
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I.R.S Tips and Tricks...
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13/04/2007 |
If there are any IRS employees amongst us... please forgive me
1. Post Office just recalled their newest stamps:
They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How are an apple and a I.R.S. agent alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
3. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
4. What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of I.R.S. agents do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
5. What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
6. What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
7. What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.
8. What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
9. What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Hail damage
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13/04/2007 |
A blond was driving home on the freeway after work when she was hit by a hailstorm that left her car completely dented all over. She decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents. Seeing that she was a blond, he winked at his partner, and told her it wouldn't cost anything if she followed his instructions carefully.
She drove home and when her blond roommate came out of the house she found her friend sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the tail pipe.
"What on earth are you doing" she asked.
Her friend looking up with big smile and a black ring around her mouth said "The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. he said that all the dents would pop out"
"Duhhh" said her friend, "but first you have to roll up all the windows!!!"
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