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WWW.ZOIG.COM
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Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for May, 2007
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Divorce letter
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31/05/2007 |
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things.
I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt and this is what my heart says: “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little.
Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us, and all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.”
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, at 18 Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know?
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Dan
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Ocean information
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28/05/2007 |
A Blue Whale produces 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So, 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads. You ever wonder why the ocean is so salty?  |
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Just heard this one.
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28/05/2007 |
A mother asks her daughter, "Honey, what would you like for Christmas this year." The little girl smiles and says, "I want a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll.". Puzzled, the mother says, "G.I. Joe? But I thought Barbie came with a Ken doll?" The little girl replied, "No silly, Barbie never cums with Ken, she always cums with G.I. Joe."
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Things to do when you are bored at WalMart
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27/05/2007 |
1) Pick up numerous boxes of condoms and put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking
2) Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3) Leave a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4) Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares and see what happens
5) Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ten.
6) Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap
7) Put M&M’s on layaway
8) Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
9) Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath
10) When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
11) Look right in the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose
12) Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men
13) Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon
14) While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are
15) Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
16) Dar around suspiciously while humming the theme song from “Mission Impossible”
17) Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store
18) In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels
19) Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “pick me! Pick me!!”
20) When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream “No, no! Its those voices again!!!”
21) If the store has a food court, buy as soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. And last, but not least…
22) Go into the dressing room and yell real loud…”Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”
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20 Quotes
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26/05/2007 |
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the nfant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
--MarkTwain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields |
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"Useless Sex Trivia"
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25/05/2007 |
According to a Kinsey survey, 75% of men ejaculate within three minutes of penetration.
"Telephonicophilia" is the technical name of arousal derived from phone sex.
Everyday, 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at any given moment.
30% of women over the age of 80 still have sexual intercourse either with their spouse or boyfriends.
Mosquitoes, which mate in the air perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.
Women with a PH.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a Bachelor''s degree.
A man's penis not only shrinks during cold weather but also from nonsexual excitement like when his favorite football team scores a touchdown, etc.
The word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which is derived from the Aztec word ahuacati which means testicle.
The first condoms in the US were made from vulcanized rubber in the 1870s. They were expensive and annoyingly thick and meant to be reused.
14% of males said that they did not enjoy sex the first time.
60% of women say they did not enjoy sex their first time.
The penis of a dragonfly is shaped like a shovel, and has the ability to scoop out a male rivals semen
The Black Widow spider eats her mate during or after sex.
  
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Notice!
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25/05/2007 |
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because filtering and/or fermenting.
WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH
Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service
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What Women Want
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24/05/2007 |
What I Want in a Man
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens as much as talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet |
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New Career...........
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24/05/2007 |
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The price of gas is getting so expensive that the local hooker down on the corner can make more money siphoning gas......... ....think about it!! |
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Bedroom Guide
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23/05/2007 |
A lovers guide (obviously written by a caring male …. er *cough*)
15 Ways Women Fail In the Bedroom
1. MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy’s dick, don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a damn cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. SILENT FRIGHT:
If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
3. NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don’t laugh! If your creative man gets carried away and says things like, “Ride my hard cock, you filthy cock-sucking slut,” or “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white hot love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
4. CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases — but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
5. POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to do it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
6. HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle. No matter what he says, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand, you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done. Just get the fuck out.
7. BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it, as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
8. BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage (if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything)
9. CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying, “Are you going to come soon?” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a handjob, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he’s shagging you and takes more than ten minutes, you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
10. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he has ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that *you* are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
11. PLAYING DEAD:
Don’t just lie there, do something! Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it, but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
12. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time, don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man, he’s probably shagging her, anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
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13. SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a piece of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth,” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
14. INGRATITUDE:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you — especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated.
15. SEEKING FAVORS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask:
“Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?”
Using this guide will certainly make a woman feel more appreciated, if not….there’s always washing up to be done!
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New Ferrari
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23/05/2007 |
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Ferrari in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out a truck came along too close to the kerb, side swiped the Ferrari and completely tore off the driver’s door!
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Ferrari, his lights flashing.
But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said.
“You are so focused on your posessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing”? asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!”
“OH, MY GOD” screamed the lawyer!
“My ROLEX!”
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Dat maka one Hundred
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20/05/2007 |
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test...
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "With outa numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you gotta no brain? Tree anda tree and tree maka nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of Da trees isa dirty now. So, it'sa dirty tree, anda dirty tree, anda dirty tree. Datsa 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian guy, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. Ona hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"...
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A littla dog came along and crap by eacha tree. So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, anda dirty tree and a turd, dat maka one hundred... So, whena I start?"
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George Carlin's New Rules for 2007
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18/05/2007 |
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
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Dr.'s Orders...
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18/05/2007 |
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
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Thoughts on Love and Marriage
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18/05/2007 |
By Our Children...
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And The #1 Response Was...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
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17/05/2007 |
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. |
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Can You Read This?
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17/05/2007 |
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! |
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In the country
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16/05/2007 |
A city slicker moves out to the country right down the road from a farmer. He drives up to the farmers house, sees him sittin' on the porch and says, "Howdy! I noticed you have some cottonwood trees out back. You mind if I pick me some cotton?"
The farmer, laughing on the inside, says, "Of course not! You go right ahead and take all ya' want."
The city slicker pulls around back. After about 20 minutes, he drives back by with a truck bed full of bailed cotton. The farmer couldn't believe his eyes!
The next day the city slicker drives by and says, "I noticed you have a lot of milkweed around back. Mind if I get me some milk?"
Once again, laughing histerically inside, the farmer says, "Why sure ya' can! Take all ya' want!"
The city slicker, again, goes around back for about 20 minutes and drives back by with a truck bed full of gallon jugs filled to the brim with milk!
The farmer is plum amazed at this point.
The next day the city slicker drives back by and says, "You've been so kind, sir, letting me gather up the cotton and the milk.... I noticed you have some pussywillow out back, would you mind......
Before the city slicker could get another word out, the farmer yelled out, "Sure! Hold on, let me get my hat, I'm comin' with ya'!"
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Jerry Springer show
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16/05/2007 |
Guest/contestants Application form !
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) porn star
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: ______________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Vehicles:
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Firearms:
Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:
Media Interests:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Hobbies:
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
Hygiene:
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Right_____ left_____
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your trailer from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler!
(_) road?
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Woman's Locker Room Chat
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15/05/2007 |
Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."
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The Door to Door Salesman
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15/05/2007 |
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A man was selling kitchen gadgets door to door in a quiet neighborhood. He approached the door of the last house on the block and rang the doorbell. He was speechless when the door opened to reveal a absolutely gorgeous woman wearing only a see-through nightie. He stood there unable to move or say a word. Suddenly the women grabbed him by the hand and said, Quick, come inside...I hear someone coming." He jumped into the foyer of the house, closing the door behind him. As he turned around, he saw that the woman had removed her nightie and was posing in front of him in all her natural glory. She said, "I want you to look at this body very carefully and tell me what you think is the most sensitive part." He looked her up and down, drooling the entire time and finally said, "It has to be your ears." The woman was amazed. "Did you see these supple breasts with their rock-hard nipples begging to to sucked? Did you even notice my freshly-shaved pussy that needs filled by a hard cock? Did you see how smooth an unblemished my skin is? My lips...made for sucking cock...and you say it's my ears? Why?" The salesmen sheepishly said, "Remember when you said you herd someone coming? That was me!" |
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Actual Medical Records
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15/05/2007 |
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
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Crazy Signs
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14/05/2007 |
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECONDHAND SHOP: We exchange anything -- bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for
more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know
it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below.
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In honor of Mother's Day:
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14/05/2007 |
An oldie but goodie
I was out walking with my 5 year old son. He picked up something off the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
"Why?" my son asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my son looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" he beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face. |
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Flight announcements
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14/05/2007 |
The in-flight "safety lecture" and pre-flight announcements on airplanes are sometimes spiced up a bit at some airlines. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
*****************************
"On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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"After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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PC Spellchecker
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14/05/2007 |
I have a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When eye strike a quay,
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.
I’ve run this poem threw it
I’m shore your pleased two no,
Its letter perfect in it’s weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Language Misunderstanding
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13/05/2007 |
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!  |
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A GIRLS FIRST TIME
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13/05/2007 |
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
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I, THE PENIS
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12/05/2007 |
I, The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I plunge head first into everything I do
* I do not get weekends or holidays off
* I work in a damp environment
* I work in the dark with poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Yours sincerely
The Penis
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Dear Penis
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration has rejected your request for the following reasons
* You do not work for eight hours straight
* You fall asleep after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your designated area and can often be seen visiting other locations
* You do not take initiative
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace messy at the end of each shift
* You do not always observe the correct safety precautions such as wearing protective clothing
* You will retire well before the age of 65
* You are unable to work double shifts
* You sometimes leave the workplace before the designated task has been completed to the managements satisfaction
And if that wasnt enough you are often seen entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags
Sincerely
The management
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20 truths about men
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12/05/2007 |
20 truths about men
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone
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5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
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