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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for June, 2007
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What a shocker this would be
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30/06/2007 |
Teenage Sex:
The mother of a 17 year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact
the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until
then,
talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!! "
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Coincidence
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30/06/2007 |
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of Champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the man? As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my Gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, …………. "What a coincidence . . .'
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Telling the truth to your mother
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30/06/2007 |
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer,
and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle but
the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Jennifer but the fact remains that if Jennifer
is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
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Say it Drunk
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29/06/2007 |
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
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Bodybuilder
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28/06/2007 |
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was. |
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Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
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28/06/2007 |
Light travels faster than sound...
...this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When you go into court...
...you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people...
...who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
He who laughs last...
...thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable...
...except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword...
...get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof...
...to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right...
...there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end...
...someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them...
...five or six at a time...
...on a hill...
...in the fog.
If the shoe fits...
...get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait...
...will be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight:
A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
( ...and, cute sayings for those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy
and ambiguity... )
Don't sweat the petty things...
...don't pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a 'non-prophet' organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes...
...why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman...
..."Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me...
...it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears...
...does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself...
...is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers...
...go to 'get away from it all'?
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Universal Law...
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28/06/2007 |
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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Bull & Son
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28/06/2007 |
Ok.. ok.. for those of you that have heard this in chat, and told me to post it.. here it is!
Once there was a bull & son on top of a ridge mountain... watching over a herd of cows below. The bull was ready to explain the "birds & bees" to his son, when the son suddenly started running down the hill shouting "Dad!... I'll race ya to the cow field. First one there screws a cow!"
He young bull got about half way down the hill, but did not see his father, so he stopped... looked back and saw his father slowly walking down the hill. He young bull shouted "Dad!... I told ya first one down gets a cow.. right?"
The father answered: "Son.. you go ahead and rush down there and screw a cow... I'll walk down there and screw em all"!!!!!!  |
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girls
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27/06/2007 |
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why dont girls have hairy chests ? ............................................................ ............................................................ ............................................................ ............................................................ ............................................................ ........................................................ever see GRASS on a playground ?? |
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Obituary
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27/06/2007 |
Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
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Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
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Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
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His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
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Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
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Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
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Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
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Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
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Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
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He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
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Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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Wittle Wabbit
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27/06/2007 |
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." |
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Chuck Norris
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25/06/2007 |
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks. |
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Kids Say The Darndest Things...
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25/06/2007 |
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Rodney, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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A little pick me up
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25/06/2007 |
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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"What's the Problem Officer?"
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25/06/2007 |
These 16 Police comments were purportedly taken off actual police car videos from around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those, 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
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How NOT to make friends in in Elevator
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25/06/2007 |
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there"?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Say "DING!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do..." and push any and all red buttons.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, NOW, all of you just shut UP!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
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The fly's circle of life
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25/06/2007 |
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
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scared alligator
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25/06/2007 |
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Peter down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and sprinted it for Grandma's kitchen. "Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Grandma asked him."I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" cried Peter. "There's a BIG Ole' alligator down there!"Now don't you mind that Ole' alligator, Peter. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!""Well, Grandma," replied Peter, "If he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
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14 is always a lucky number
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25/06/2007 |
14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.
3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com
2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
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Sex Mathematics
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25/06/2007 |
First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex .........
(try for more than once but less than 10)
Multiply this number by 2
Add 5.
Multiply it by 50
If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753....
If you haven't, add 1752 ..........
Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week).
The next two numbers are your age.
IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT?
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New Scam, WARNING!
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24/06/2007 |
Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be on the alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug is on the market, commonly referred to as, "beer" is being used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found to be in liquid form and is now available most anywhere. "Beer" is being used by these female sexual predators at parties and bars to get their male counterparts to go home and have sex with them. Typically, women need only offer men a few units of this drug and they will be rendered virtuously helpless.
After drinking this, "Beer" men are often awaken with only a hazy memory, or a vague feeling that something bad occurred. Sometimes they wake up only to find their wallets empty or missing. In extreme cases, men are caught in a trap, commonly referred to as a, "relationship". Please, don't let this happen to you! If for any reason you should find that it has happened there is help. Many men who know what you are going through are out there. There are many support groups. To find the support group in your area, simply look up, "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages...Thank you, and beware!...  |
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7 Kinds of Sex
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24/06/2007 |
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:
Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called:
Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front
everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on. |
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Why Condoms Come in Packages of 3,6,12
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24/06/2007 |
Why Condoms Come in Packages of 3,6,12
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are
these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see,' replied
the boy pensively.
'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks
over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,'Why are there
3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those
are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks,
picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad
replied, Those are for married men. One for January, one for February,
one for March...... |
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Men are like............
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24/06/2007 |
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .. Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials .. ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ......Governmen t Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men a re like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. |
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Pre-Marriage Confession
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22/06/2007 |
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky." Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"
Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long  |
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Sex with the wife.........
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22/06/2007 |
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Having sex with my pregnant wife would be like putting gas in a car I've already wrecked.......but thank god my wife pulls in to self serve! |
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How to get out of doing the dishes
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21/06/2007 |
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
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Dont mess with mother nature
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21/06/2007 |
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"
The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."
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men's bad ways- a jibe at the man
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20/06/2007 |
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
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oral sex, good and bad.
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20/06/2007 |
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
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