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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for July, 2007
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What we retired folks do
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30/07/2007 |
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and, when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person on a fixed income a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi".
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished writing the second ticket and started writing a third one. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I verbally abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care.
I had came downtown on the bus, and the car he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker saying "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
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ESTATE PLANNING 101
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30/07/2007 |
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked
up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll
inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three
days later, she married his father!
Women are so much smarter than men.... |
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An Ode to Summer...
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30/07/2007 |
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
while ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in Texas, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
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Red Tomatoes
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29/07/2007 |
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden, hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out with your tomatoes? Did they turn red yet?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous. |
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911 call
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27/07/2007 |
This little old lady calls 911.
When the operator answers, she yells, "Help, send the police to my house
right away. There's a damn Republican on my front porch and he's playing
with himself"
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with
himself; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the
little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!
 made me do it |
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TACKS
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27/07/2007 |
A young Arkansas man goes to a drug store and says
to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me
some protection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers
gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack
of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked
future President says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on
by themselves?"
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CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
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27/07/2007 |
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil Show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed,
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started, but never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Jack, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old
Prozac prescription, the rest of the joint from last night, some Doritos, a Jolt Cola, and a bag of Hershey's Kisses.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now...   
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Daffynitions
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26/07/2007 |
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red
when your car approaches.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find
his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things
happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you
know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that
isn't a western.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's
coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted
access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and
places that deliver pizza.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead
of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it
yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult
so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity. |
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Zen Sarcasm
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26/07/2007 |
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
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Larry's tatoo
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26/07/2007 |
Larry came home late one night and Linda, his wife, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 233 at St. John's Hospital.
Guess he should have let her go shopping! hehehehe  |
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Does it whistle too?
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25/07/2007 |
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing
a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to
stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he
realises she is not wearing any panties.
The blonde notices he is staring and inquires, "Are you
looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented,
watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder
pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in
amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the
seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick
a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?" |
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Goodbye, Daddy
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25/07/2007 |
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later as the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers.
They went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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Little Johnny strikes again
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25/07/2007 |
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried. |
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Too sweet for words
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25/07/2007 |
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
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joke
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24/07/2007 |
Q: What do a Gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in
common?
A: They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
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Superwomen...
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23/07/2007 |
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy....
-Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
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Trouble Back On The Farm...
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23/07/2007 |
An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with mom and dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."
"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
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Lost in Home Depot
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23/07/2007 |
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "Well that's OK. It is a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guys says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top, and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "It really doesn't matter.....let's look for yours."
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the stranger
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22/07/2007 |
>The Stranger
>
>
>A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to
our
>Small Plymouth town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with
this
>Enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
>
>
>The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I
grew
>Up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he
had a
>Special niche. My parents were complementary instructors:
>
>
>Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the
stranger
>... He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours
on
end
>With adventures, mysteries and comedies.
>
>
> If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science,
he
>always
>Knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even
seemed
>Able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major
league
>Ball game He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
>
>
> The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
>Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were
shushing
each
>Other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the
kitchen
for
>Peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger
to
>Leave.)
>
>
>Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the
stranger
>Never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not
allowed
>In our home ... Not from us, our friends or any visitors.
>
>
>Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that
burned
>My ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't
permit
>The liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try
it
on a
>Regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
>Distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex His
comments
>Were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing.
>
>
>I now know that my early concepts about relationships were
influenced
>Strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of
my
>Parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.
>
>
>More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with
our
>Family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as
he
was
>At first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you
would
>Still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to
listen to
>Him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name? ..
>
>
>
>
>
>We just call him, "TV."
>
>
>*Note: This should be required reading for every household in
America!**
>
>
>He has a wife now ... We call her "Computer." |
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The Deal
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21/07/2007 |
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,
"Phyllis, Phyllis"
"Is that you, Dan?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning and have sex. Then I hit the greens. After that, I have more sex, bathe in the sun for a while, and have sex twice more. I hit the greens again, then it's sex pretty much all afternoon. I hit the greens one more time, then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Dan you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona." |
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Bug Spray
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21/07/2007 |
A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son" he said, “you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked at him through bloodshot eyes and asked with a weak croaking voice, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?" |
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Senior Dating
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20/07/2007 |
Gail and Ellie, two "senior" citizens, are talking.
Ellie: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Gail: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,Ellie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Ellie: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Gail: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress. |
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rough language
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20/07/2007 |
Please excuse the rough language in the following story. I would have deleted them, but the story would not make sense.
Dawson met a nice girl from a prominent Jewish family and eventually got married. When they got back from their honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her Mother,
"so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Dawson started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You have to take me home. PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they are just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama . . . he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother. * |
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just thinking...
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19/07/2007 |
>Random thoughts:
>
>* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
>
>* Police were called to a day-care center where A three-year-old was
>Resisting a rest.
>
>* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all
>Right now.
>
>* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
>
>* To write with a broken pencil is pointless
>
>* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
>
>* The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at
>Large.
>
>* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
>
>* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
>Criminal.
>
>* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
>
>* We'll never run out of math teachers because They always multiply.
>
>* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
>
>* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
on
>It.
>
>
>* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was On shaky
>Ground.
>
>* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
>
>* If you take a laptop computer for a run You could jog your memory
>
>* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
>
>* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
>
>* A bicycle can't stand-alone; it is two tired.
>
>* Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
>
>* A backward poet writes inverse.
>
>* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
>Count
>That votes.
>
>* A chicken crossing the road: Poultry in motion.
>
>* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
>
>* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
>
>* Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
>Miner.
>
>* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
>
>* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine Was fully recovered.
>
>* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, Resulted in Linoleum
>Blown
>Apart.
>
>* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>
>* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
>
>* A calendar's days are numbered.
>
>* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
>
>* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
>
>* He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
>
>* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>
>* Those who get too big for their britches Will be exposed in the end.
>
>* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
>
>* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, She thought she'd dye.
>
>* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
>
>* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
>
>* Acupuncture: a jab well done.
>
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savoir faire
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19/07/2007 |
Three Frenchmen were discussing the meaning of savoir faire. The
first explained: "If you come home and discover your wife in another
man's arms and you say 'Excuse me,' that's savoir faire." "No, no,"
said another who was slightly older than the first, "that's not quite
right. Savoir faire is if you come home and find your wife in another
man's arms and you say 'Excuse me, proceed.' That's savoir faire."
The third Frenchman was still older and wiser, and he said gravely,
"No, my sons, neither of you quite understands the meaning. If you
come home and discover your wife in the arms of another man and you
say 'Excuse me, proceed' and he proceeds, he has savoir faire. |
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Southern Medical Terminology
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19/07/2007 |
1. Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
2. Tumor - More than one.
3. Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
4. Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
5. Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
6. Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
7. Benign - What you be after you be eight.
8. Dilate - To live long.
9. Genital - Non-Jewish person.
10. Seizure - Roman emperor.
11. Node - I knew it.
12. Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
13. Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
14. Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
15. Tablet - A small table.
16. Enema - Not a friend.
17. Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
18. Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
19. Colic - A sheep dog.
20. Varicose - Near by/close by.
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Crisco is shortening
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19/07/2007 |
Showering after a game of tennis, Lance happened to look over at
Rod's genitals. "Christ!" he exclaimed, "that's the biggest dick I've
ever seen!" "Rod smiled. "It wasn't always that big. It grew
because I rubbed it with butter every day." Determined to improve his
own endowment, Lance went home to do likewise. The following week he
and Rod played tennis again. "How's it going with your home
improvements? " Rod asked. "Terrible," Lance said. "I've been
greasing my dick every day, but it keeps shrinking!" "Really?" Are
you sure you're using enough butter?" "Butter hell. I'm allergic to
dairy products, so I've been using Crisco." Lance frowned. "Of
course it's getting smaller. Crisco is shortening!" |
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They walk among us!
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19/07/2007 |
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
~~~~~~~~~
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"
They Walk Among Us!!
~~~~~~~~
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
~~~~~~~
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
They Walk Among Us!!!
~~~~~~~~
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but, "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
They Walk Among Us!!!!
~~~~~~~
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
~~~~~~~~
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
(maybe I should have bought 10 cases)
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
~~~~~~~
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces".
Yep, they walk among us... AND they reproduce!
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Smart Woman
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18/07/2007 |
When Fred found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll
inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men |
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Big-Headed Son of a bitch
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18/07/2007 |
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Man and his son went shopping for clothes at a local store. Salesman greets them noticing the young boy has an unusually large head. May I help you find something. Dad says yes I need some pants for this big-headed son of a bitch and slaps the boys face several times. The salesman looks awry at this peculiar behavior but says nothing. They buy the pant. The salesman asks if there is anything else i can help you with. Man says yes we need a shirt for this big-headed son of a bitch and slaps the boys face again several times. The salesman is puzzled but says nothing. they buy the shirt. Salesman asks again do you need anything else?. Man says yes we need a coat for this bug-headed son of a bitch and slaps the boys face several more times. Finally the salesman has had all he can handle and say Sir I'm not one to meddle in other peoples lives but i can't let you abuse the boy anymore and what is the problem?? Th e Man says in my whole life i've only wished for 3 things to make me happy. I wished for a million dollars and i have several times that and i wished for a fine house and cars and i have that and the third thing i wished for was to marry a beautiful wife with a tight pussy and i had that until along came this big-headed son of a bitch |
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