|
LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
|
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
| |
|
|
NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
|
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (9)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (10)
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (6)
|
|
- (11)
|
|
- (24)
|
|
- (19)
|
|
- (25)
|
|
- (26)
|
|
- (49)
|
|
- (64)
|
|
- (39)
|
|
- (14)
|
|
- (57)
|
|
- (45)
|
|
- (34)
|
|
- (23)
|
|
- (38)
|
|
- (56)
|
|
- (67)
|
|
- (73)
|
|
- (54)
|
|
- (44)
|
|
- (69)
|
|
- (72)
|
|
- (60)
|
|
- (49)
|
|
- (51)
|
|
- (73)
|
|
- (44)
|
|
- (37)
|
|
- (54)
|
|
- (100)
|
|
- (59)
|
|
- (104)
|
|
- (126)
|
|
- (71)
|
|
- (77)
|
|
- (65)
|
|
- (76)
|
|
- (116)
|
|
- (13)
|
|
- (7)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (2)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (6)
|
|
- (7)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (9)
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (12)
|
|
- (22)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (17)
|
|
- (11)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (2)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (1)
|
| |
|
WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
|
|
Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for August, 2007
|
|
The Drunk and the Barkeep
|
31/08/2007 |
A drunk staggers into a bar and sits down. The bartender ignores him. Finally the drunks yells "Barkeep give me a beer" the Bartender tells the drunk "You've had too much already,go home." The Drunk begs the Bartender for just one beer, say he would go home after JUST one beer. The Bartender finally relents and sits a glass of beer in front of the Drunk. The Drunk promptly downs the beer,slamming the glass down on the bar he orders another beer.
The Barkeeps tells him, "You've had your beer now beat it"
The Drunk keeps on begging JUST one more beer, but the Barkeep stands fast and refuses.
Looking around the Drunk spot a spittoon that is brim full. He staggers over to it and picks it up. He tells the Barkeep, "Give me ONE more beer or I'll drink the contents of this spittoon." The Barkeep just shrugs his shoulders, so the Drunk raises the spittoon and starts drinking.
The Barkeep started yelling at the Drunk, "Ok,OK, I'll give you the beer just stop." But the Drunk kept on drinking and didn't stop until the spittoon was empty.
The Barkeep said, "I told you to stop, I'd give you a beer."
The Drunk said, "I know but, once I got started it came out in one long string" |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
THE GUYS RULES
|
31/08/2007 |
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly accepta ble answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you' re fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did < B>NOT need dire ctions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS A SHAPE!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch ton ight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Blonde attempts suicide
|
31/08/2007 |
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor
asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?' 'No, Silly, ' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest,
and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting
myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth,
and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting
myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This
is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
I Want To Suck Your Blood...
|
30/08/2007 |
Dracula decides to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. The rules were simple. The bat who drinks the most blood would be the winner. He selects his three top bats to compete.
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."
"Very good," says Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes her face all covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."
"Impressive," Dracula replies.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see that tower?" Dracula replies, "Yes." And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."
  |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Things to think about and smile
|
30/08/2007 |
...I don't do drugs anymore cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
...Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
...Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
...I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
...If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
...I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
...The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
...There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butt-head's.
...If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
...I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
...Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
...I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
...I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
...Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
...Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
...No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
...Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
...Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
...How come we choose from just two or three people for president and 50 for Miss America?
...The next time you feel like complaining remember, your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
...Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
...Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Tendjewberrymud...
|
28/08/2007 |
It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation...
Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the FarEast Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes,an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome."
 |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Bears
|
27/08/2007 |
An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!" The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."
---------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!
Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?
A: "Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside - with a nice chewy center!"
Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
A: The dentist.
Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A: "Sandwiches!"
Q: Why do polar bears have fur coats?
A: Because the seals laughed at them when they wore parkas!
Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.
Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.
Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!
Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?
A: It just presses the "paws" button.
Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?
A: Insist that it pay cash!
Q: What's white, furry, rides a walrus, and knocks a ball around the ice?
A: A polo bear!
Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?
A: A poker bear!
Q: What's white, furry, likes to dance, and wears short leather pants?
A: A polka bear!
Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?
A: Roller bears!
Q: What's white, furry, and throws balls of ice at igloos?
A: A bowler bear!
Q: What's white, furry, wears sunglasses, and lazes in the sun all summer long?
A: A solar bear!
Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?
A: A "brrr"-"grrr"!
Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?
A: "Meals on Wheels!"
Q: Why do polar bears win so many races?
A: Because they're always in the "pole" position.
Q: Have you ever seen a man-eating polar bear?
A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!
Q: What is white and goes RRRRG! RRRRG!?
A: A polar bear walking backwards.
Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?
A: A bear faced lyre!
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Old and new ones
|
27/08/2007 |
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
------------------------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
------------------------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
*(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)*
------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
------------------------------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
------------------------------------------------------------
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Story of the Flea, and the Crab
|
23/08/2007 |
A flea and crab had been friends their entire lives, best buds in fact. Each night they'd meet under the street light on the corner, each sharing the days events, adventures.
After a while the stories told were nothing new as they had spent time on every dog, and human in town. One day crab says "Lets go on a new adventure, the next dog that comes by that is new to you, jump on. The next lady that comes by, I will do the same." Then we can share our great new stories in two days!" Cool.....so the flea jumps a newbie and the crab jumps a lady, the adventure begins!
Two days pass, flea sits and waits for his bestest bud, yet no sign of crab. As more time passes flea worries more. Finally after Almost a week, flea sits in a puddle of tears under the streetlight, sure his bud was dead.
Flea hears something, looks down the road, hey its CRAB!The crab looks totally worn out, battered, beaten. Flea exclaims "Crab oh Crab I was so sure you were dead!"....the crab says weakly. " Right now I wish i was, you know that woman I jumped on? Well that night, i guess she went to a party. Apparently she spilled a drink in her lap. Well I passed out of course, and the next thing I knew, I was in a moustache in Pennsylvania" |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
blondes from another planet...
|
23/08/2007 |
Q. what do smart blondes and U.F.O.s have in common?
A we've all been told about them, but have YOU ever SEEN one...? |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Cat Came Back...
|
23/08/2007 |
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that jerk on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
she had the last word.... :)
|
23/08/2007 |
MaDonald was on his deathbed. His wife Morag, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly: 'My darling Morag,' he whispered. 'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Morag,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Morag. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Morag. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied.
'That's why I poisoned you.........'
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Good Mother-In-Law Joke
|
22/08/2007 |
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to
donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the
doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their
secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more
handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just
went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek."
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Everything's Big In Texas...
|
22/08/2007 |
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
A Diary Review: Moving South, 2007
|
22/08/2007 |
May 30, 2007 :
Just moved to Huntsville, Alabama from Chicago, Illinois. Now, this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14, 2007 :
Really heating up. Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
June 30, 2007:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain! No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Huntsville.
July 10, 2007 :
The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
July 15, 2007:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20, 2007:
Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25, 2007:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
a cause for road rage...
|
20/08/2007 |
Subject: Why people get shot.
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.
'Great, just great', I moaned.
The driver opened his door...leaned out of his car, and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.
He said, 'I am not Happy...'
To which I replied, 'Well...which one are you then?'
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
In Our Sunday Best ...
|
20/08/2007 |
PALM SUNDAY:
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"
"Wouldn't you know it?" the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go He shows up!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON:
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
GRANDMA'S AGE:
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
FIRST TIME USHERS:
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
PRAYERS:
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No, sir," he rplied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to vist," the little boy answered.
THE MOOD RING:
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bed mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
THE WATER PISTOL:
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Grandpa
|
20/08/2007 |
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Jokes
|
19/08/2007 |
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...
----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals" |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
11th Husband
|
19/08/2007 |
> A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
> "What?" said the puzzled groom."How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
> "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
> "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
> "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
> "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
> "Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
> "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
> "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
> "Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
> "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
> "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God, I miss him!"
> "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
> "Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're with the Government.... This time I KNOW
I'm gonna get screwed." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Left over Gifts
|
19/08/2007 |
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Irish Viagra
|
19/08/2007 |
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
help in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish
Viagra". >It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus
and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and
the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
,Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good"?
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm
sittin' here,
I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!" |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Annoying Ways to Order a Pizza
|
18/08/2007 |
* Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
* End the call with, "Remember, we never had this conver-
sation."
* Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!"
and hang up.
* Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
* Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them
out.
* Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy
bread."
* Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning
Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
* If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right,
say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first
window."
* Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes,
heave a sigh of relief.
* Ask to see a menu.
* Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and
ask again.
* Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
* Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place),
Take 1, and... action!"
* Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last
thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they
have a chance to respond. |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
THE SEVEN DWARFS OF MENOPAUSE
|
17/08/2007 |
The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without
warning:
Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and
All-Dried-Up. One by one they crept into my own private
cottage in the woods and started to take over my life.
The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on
my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch
the skin right off my body.
Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS restrained
to one or two days a month--it felt like constant PMS. Then
I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was
wrong with me? Ding-dong... It's the middle of the night and
Sweaty has crawled into bed with me. Oh, yes, Sweaty brought
embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats
where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my
breasts.
Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired
all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and
not be able to get back to sleep.
Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick
through the middle section, even though I was following my
weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many
years!
I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day
my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty
focused woman until Forgetful came, and I could not keep a
coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's?
I wondered.
Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage.
This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family.
Sex was no longer on the top of my list--or on my list at
all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I
would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie. |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Boy anticipates sex with new girlfriend
|
17/08/2007 |
A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."  |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Tan thingie
|
15/08/2007 |
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One day,
He looked in the mirror and noticed he was tan all over except his "thingie."
So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the
Sand, except for his thingie; which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she
Began to move it around with her cane , remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant. She said,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach, and I'm too old to squat! |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Chili
|
15/08/2007 |
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
 |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Breakfast
|
15/08/2007 |
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done Well, he's now a little pissed off, He goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Reasons motorcycles are better than men
|
14/08/2007 |
Your bike doesn't care how many bikes you've ridden in the past.
Your bike doesn't grow spare tires.
You can ride your bike more than once every hour..
Bikes don't get you pregnant.
Your bike will never check other bikes that are cooler or thinner than you..
Bikes don't have relatives.
Your bike will never critize your girlfriends.
Your bike doesn't care what time of the month we are in.
Your bike will let you know when something is wrong.
You don't have to kick your bike to keep it going.
If your bike makes to much noise , you can put a muffler on it..
If your bike stinks, you can wash it.
Your bike doesn't mind if you have a poster of the bike - of -your- dreams in your bedroom. |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Advice to give your daughters
|
14/08/2007 |
1. Don't imagine you can change a man , unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that we can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in the mental hospital.
12. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
13. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
14. Sadly all men are created equal.
15. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
