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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for September, 2007
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Confucius Say:
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30/09/2007 |
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew. |
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Bubba Had Shingles
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28/09/2007 |
Those who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an lectrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??" |
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Blonde in Starbucks....
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28/09/2007 |
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
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Anatomy lesson
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28/09/2007 |
An anatomy teacher walks up to one of his female students in the front row of the class.He leans over and says "I want to see if you have been paying attention in my class".So he stands up straight and asks her loudly "Tell me if you can, exactly what is your asshole doing when your having an orgasm?" She looks back at him and answers "He's probably out drinking beer with his friends as usual".  |
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Conversation
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26/09/2007 |
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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Irish Nursing home
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26/09/2007 |
The Irish Nursing Home
A Mexican family was considering putting their
grandfather (abuelo) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full
so they had to put him in an Irish home.
After a few weeks in the Irish facility,
they came to visit grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson..
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,'says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.
Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here --
he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years
and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old.
He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.
He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years
and they still call me "The F ucking Mexican".
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How did we live without computers??
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25/09/2007 |
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three
5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbour yet this year
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one
for your e-mail buddies via a web page
9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea
11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her
a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom
of the screen
15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid
16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make
a purchase is foreign to you
17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car
18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses
19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow
20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet
21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes
22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
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Apple News
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24/09/2007 |
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.
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Jokes
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23/09/2007 |
Did you hear about the little boy who was born with no eye
lids? The doctor told his mother it was a minor surgical procedure to
fix and not to worry. He told her that when he did the circumcision
he would use the extra skin to sew on to make eye lids for her son.
She declined the offer fearing that her son would be cockeyed!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man says to his blonde wife, "Guess what I heard at our favorite
pub today? They were saying the milkman is having sex with every
woman in our apartment building except one, but they are not sure who
that one is." And right a way she jumps up and says, "I know who it
is, it's that stuck-up bitch Phyllis, in apartment 12."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful
blonde, the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I
don't want you returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get
undressed, and get into bed.Drink about a third of this bottle of
medicine I'm preparing for you - it will make you drowsy. I don't
want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment
until you hear three short knocks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being a premature ejaculator has its advantages. I made ten (900)
phone calls last month and the total bill is just five dollars
What's the difference between your dick and your Christmas bonus?
Your wife blows your Christmas bonus
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you
always get an erection when we dance together?" The other replied,
"Because you dance like an asshole!"
Women should be obscene and not heard. (Groucho Marx)
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've
got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad
news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." All right,
here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?
Self employed
Some Girls Beg and Some Girls Borrow
Some Bring Joy and Some Bring Sorrow
But Best Of All are Girls That Swallow
Virginity: A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone
forever. |
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Angel Wings
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23/09/2007 |
------- An old lady dies and goes to Heaven. She's chatting it up with St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most
awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that" says St. Peter "It's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God" says the old lady "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry" says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to
fit the halo."
"I can't do this" says the old lady, "I m going to Hell."
"You can't go there" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken
advantage of".
"Maybe so" says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that. |
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ASSicons
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23/09/2007 |
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass |
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Senility
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21/09/2007 |
The Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
----------------------------------------------
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
------------------------------------------------------------
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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The lighter side of the military
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20/09/2007 |
I hope this makes y'all smile  
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep
late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there`s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.
It`s no wonder these city boys can`t walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it`s not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and
we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don`t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don`t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don`t move, and it ain`t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don`t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain`t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I`m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I`m only 5`6" and 130 pounds and he`s 6`8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup
and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Alice
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Geography of a woman
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20/09/2007 |
I may get in trouble for this one... but here goes 
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by a dick
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One Liners That Make You Smile - Part Two...
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20/09/2007 |
These are great!! 
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate now!
19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
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A FEW FOR THE LADIES
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19/09/2007 |
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Kansas ."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
(Gotta love that fairy!)
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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One Liners That Make You Smile
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18/09/2007 |
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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A Man's Face
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17/09/2007 |
A study at Latrobe University showed that the kind of male face that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she has PMS, she is more prone to prefer a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire. 
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Psychology Major
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17/09/2007 |
A guys goes in a bar and orders for a beer. After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her, " Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink?"
The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? NO WAY!"
Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving. The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened. After a while the same woman walks in, approaches him and tells him, "I'm sorry about that little incident but you see I'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations."
The guy then yells: "WHAT? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB? NO WAY !!!"
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Romantic Weekend
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14/09/2007 |
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
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a few t-shirt slogans for women
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14/09/2007 |
I’m still hot.. It just comes in flashes
Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,” I wash my mouth out with chocolate
At my age getting “lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot!
I’m not 50..... I’m $49.95 plus tax
Keep staring..... I may do a trick |
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touching letter
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14/09/2007 |
This will warm your heart, just when you have lost faith in human kindness, Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Her letter follows:
'Dear Safety Harbor Middle School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your
kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio. But before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Edna'
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The birds and the bees.
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13/09/2007 |
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." |
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Viagra
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13/09/2007 |
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
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another blonde joke
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13/09/2007 |
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
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why women are like shoes...
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12/09/2007 |
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women are like shoes....sometimes you need to try on more than one to find a good fit...sometimes they are a little loose, sometimes they are too tight, but the most important thing...ya gotta wear socks, cuz you never know if you'll get blisters... |
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The Psychiatrist and Proctologist...
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12/09/2007 |
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
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Rosh Hashanah Funnies...
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12/09/2007 |
I thought this was cute
Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, starts this evening. Unlike January 1st, which is filled with merrymaking and parties, Rosh Hashanah is a time for introspection, and purifying one's soul, In conjunction with this is the custom of Tashlich, where people take crumbs and throw them into a river or other body of water to symbolize throwing away one's sins and starting the new year fresh.
However, times have changed...
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, consider these options this year for Rosh Hashanah:
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Bread that's fresh
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For jingoism,Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
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Going Native
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12/09/2007 |
IF YOU ARE A BRIT LIVING IN THE USA, YOU MIGHT BE GOING NATIVE IF....
Writing the month before the day no longer seems weird and unnatural.
You call shops "stores".
You call petrol gas.
You talk about taking the elevator instead of the lift.
You chomp ice (is this a Texan thing or more widespread?)
You stop asking for rubbers when you want an eraser.
You greet people with.... Hey! How ya dooin! Or... Hey... How's it goin'?
You find yourself saying... "you becha..!!" instead of "yes"
You stop telling people you'll knock them up in the morning.
You call a bumbag a fannypack.
You have stopped trying to bum a fag off a friend.
You talk routinely of taking a sack/brown bag lunch to the office.
You start calling holidays vacations.
The word "dude" passes your lips without a conscious effort.
Trunk and hood come to mind rather than boot and bonnet.
You say "Period" instead of "Full Stop."
You no longer think anything of the fact your refrigerator is the same size as a single bedroom in the UK.
You look left then right when crossing the road.
You can spot visiting Brits just by looking at their clothes.
You overhear the following on the commuter train and don't even flinch:
"I'm going on business to England next week." "Yeah? I was there six weeks ago, nice place." "Uh Huh, I like it. Terrible food though" "Yeah."
You drive further for lunch than your father used to take you on vacation.
You know that whatever vehicle you choose it must have at least one row of seats dedicated to each of your kids.
Contrary to your behaviour just after you arrived, you now seek to avoid shopping malls.
You now regard the UK as being part of Europe.
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SURVIVAL KIT.....
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11/09/2007 |
A PENNY-- SO YOU"LL NEVER HAVE TO SAY '' I'M BROKE"
TWO MARBLES -- FOR THE TIMES YOU THINK YOU HAVE LOST ALL OF YOURS.
A FLOWER -- DON'T FORGET THE TIME TO SMELL THEM.
A RUBBER BAND-- SO YOU CAN STRETCH BEYOND YOUR LIMITS.
AN ERASER-- BECAUSE NOBODY'S PERFECT.
A TOOTSIE ROLL -- TO REMIND YOU NOT TO BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW.
A CANDLE -- TO REMIND YOU TO SHINE BRIGHTLY.
MATCHES -- TO RELIGHT YOUR FIRE WHEN YOU FEEL "BURNED OUT."
A RIBBON -- SO YOU CAN TIE UP ALL YOUR LOOSE ENDS.
A HUG AND A KISS -- TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE LOVED.
A BAG-- SO YOU CAN KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER. |
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