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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for October, 2007
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Another oldie but goodie
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31/10/2007 |
Last Friday, I was buying an 80 lb. bag of Purina "low-cal" for Sheba our 120 lb. Labrador dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out When a woman behind me asked if "I had a dog." On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there any longer!
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Posted by: |
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20 Ways to confuse Trick-or-Treaters.
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30/10/2007 |
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
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Happy Halloween!!
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30/10/2007 |
Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Fasten your sheet belt.
Q: How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A: By scareplane.
Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
Q: What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A: A poultry-geist.
Q: Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A: Because they like to boo the umpire.
Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."
Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your shocks and boos on.
Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror.
Q: What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A: Whipped Scream
Q: Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A: To get a BOOster shot.
Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.
Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he's always a goblin.
W. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
A. It raises their spirits.
Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A. He didn't have a haunting license.
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Another lawyer joke
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30/10/2007 |
A Rabbi, a Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.
"I've got room in the house for two of you but someones gonna have to sleep in the barn." says the farmer.
The Rabbi say's, "I've no problem with that, I'll go." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there.
He says, "Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig."
The Monk speaks up and says, "I have no problem with pigs I'll go sleep in the barn." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there.
"Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow.
The lawyer responds, "I'll go sleep in the barn, I've got no religion." He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there.
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"The" question
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30/10/2007 |
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer.
He wouldn't shirk his responsibility.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of lovemaking and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
eeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity.
His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."
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Ain't love grand?!
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30/10/2007 |
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "
"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
PLEASE NOTE:
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
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Bed sheets
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30/10/2007 |
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost." 
Happy Halloween |
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LOL
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30/10/2007 |
Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, "AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him!
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PMS & the BIBLE
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29/10/2007 |
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Holy Bible.
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> He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible."
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> After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said "Reverend, I don't think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS."
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> The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.
&g t;
> During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.
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> On the following Sunday , the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"
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> The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read,
> "... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem ."
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Priceless
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26/10/2007 |
Master Card Wedding
You have got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that
took place at Clemson University. It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno
mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He
said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to
support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family
-- especially his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special
gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the
wedding party, was an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone,
and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x
10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom
had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, watching the guests' reactions for a couple of
minutes, he turned to his best man and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his
bride & said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm out of here." He had
the marriage annulled first thing the following morning. While most people
would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair,
this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest
wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's
reputations in front of 300+ friends & family Members. This guy has balls the
size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a Master Card "PRICELESS" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends:
$32,000...
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
$3,000...
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui:
$8,500...
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10
glossy of the bride humping his best man:
PRICELESS...
There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's
MASTERCARD!
"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapenos - - -
What you do today, might burn
your ass tomorrow!"
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Yhe Redhead
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26/10/2007 |
THE REDHEAD
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
(oh shut up, and just forward it!)
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Some more good Blonde jokes
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26/10/2007 |
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or
the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled along side a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs |
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Funny - Enjoy
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25/10/2007 |
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An heiress and large financial donor is touring a hospital where her money is endowed. As she walks through one of the wards, she looks into one of the rooms and sees a nurse giving one of the patients a hand job. Utterly shocked she demands an explanation for the Hospital Administrator. The Dr. assured her the it was a medical procedure and explained that the patient had a rare disease that causes him to fill up with semen and if not released every hour the build up could cause a rupture and the patient could die. Satisfied by the Dr. explanation that it is a medical procedure so proceeds on the tour. As she passes the very next room she sees a nurse giving a BJ to a patient. The Heiress scream, "Can you explain this?" The Dr. calmly looks at her and says, "Absolutely! Same disease! better healthplan!" |
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OUT of the mouths of babes
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25/10/2007 |
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck,' the rottweiler ate him!' |
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Husband and Wife
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25/10/2007 |
A husband wrote "I love u" on his dick and his wife said, "There you go again, putting words in my mouth."
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Corporate Lessons...
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25/10/2007 |
CORPORATE LESSON 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.
"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
CORPORATE LESSON 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
CORPORATE LESSON 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Lost in Translation
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25/10/2007 |
A man just got out of surgery and was still in the hospital lying in bed with a breathing machine attached to his mouth. A nurse walks in and checks the breathing machine and makes sure every thing is functioning correctly.
The man says, "Tell me nurse. Are my testicles black?"
The nurse looks confused and says, "Excuse me?"
The man says again, "Are my testicles black?"
So the nurse pulls down the covers of the bed, lifts the man's hospital gown and carefully inspects his testicles. When she's done she says, "Nothing seems to be wrong with them and they're definitely not black."
The man smiles, pulls the breathing machine away from his mouth and says, "Thank you, that was nice, but I was asking 'Are my test results back?'"
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Posted by: |
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Thoughts for the day
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24/10/2007 |
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness makes him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
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Posted by: |
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What is a Kiss?
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24/10/2007 |
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.
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Costume party - CAUTION
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23/10/2007 |
Just a little warning before Halloween.
>
> Costume Party
>
> A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted
husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin
and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going.
> So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early,
decided to go the party.
> Since her husband did not know what h er costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him.
> She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather
seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he
wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
> Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got
into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
> She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of
a time he had. He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."
> - "Did you dance much?"
> - "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I
loaned my costume to......."
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ATTENTION
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23/10/2007 |
ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOUR ASS IS SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE |
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Iriesman at the beach
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23/10/2007 |
An Irish man is lying on the beach,sunbathing,
wearing nothing but a cap over his manhood,
An ugly woman is passing and remarkes"if u were any sort of gentleman-U would lift your hat to a lady"
He replied "if you were any sort of a lady,the hat would lift itself |
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Red Sox Nation
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22/10/2007 |
Sorry, y'all.. hehe 
Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts writing in his notebook.
"But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
"Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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The Sinner
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22/10/2007 |
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
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Dr Smith
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22/10/2007 |
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
She did this faithfully for several months! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"
"Yes I am... How did you know?"
He, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
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good one!!!
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22/10/2007 |
>>>A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
>>>pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
>>>towards
>>>him out of a dust cloud.
>>>
>>>the driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
>>>sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks the
>>>cowboy:
>>>"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
>>>herd,
>>>will you give me a calf?"
>>>
>>>Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
>>>peacefully
>>>grazing herd and calmly answers, "sure, why not?"
>>>
>>>The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
>>>connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA
>>>page on the Internet , where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
>>>exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA
>>>satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>>>
>>>The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
>>>exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
>>>
>>>Within seconds he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the
>>>image
>>>has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
>>>database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
>>>his
>>>Blackberry and after a few minutes receives a response.
>>>
>>>Finally, he prints out a full-color 150 page report on his hi-tech
>>>miniaturized printer and turns to the cowboy and says "you have
>>>exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>>>
&g t;>>"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
>>>Bud.
>>>
>>>He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
>>>amused as
>>>he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>>>
>>>Then Bud says "hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business
>>>is,
>>>will you give me back my calf?"
>>>
>>>The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "okey,
>>>why not?"
>>>
>>>"You are a congressman for the US Government."
>>>
>>>"Wow! That is correct, but how did you guess?"
>>>
>>>"No guessing required" answered Bud. "You showed up here even
>>>though
>>>nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
>>>knew,
>>>to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
>>>than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.... this is
>>>a
>>>herd of sheep... Now give me back my dog. |
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funny
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21/10/2007 |
boyfriend with GIRLFRIEND ON BIKE. SUDEENLYTWO BIKER CROSSED.
BOY :HOLD ME TIGHTLY.
GIRL:HOLDS HIS PENIS.
SUDENLY THEY MEET AN ACCIDENT.
GIRL:BAL BAL BACHAY.
BOY:HAA BAL HI BACHAY HAI |
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REDNECK LOVE POEM
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18/10/2007 |
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE,
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID,
"THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YA MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD.
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY......
SO SUSIE MARRIED JOE, AND KEPT WILL ON THE SIDE, AND THOUGH IT MAY SEEM KINDA STRANGE, EVERYONE WAS HAPPY
Sorry for the caps but that is the way I got it
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Golf
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17/10/2007 |
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..... |
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Where To Retire...
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15/10/2007 |
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.
You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature".
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where...
1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can live in the deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You could live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND you can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
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