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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for November, 2007
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Three Blondes
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30/11/2007 |
Yet another stupid blonde joke 
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.
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Posted by: |
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Monastery Life hehehe
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30/11/2007 |
MONASTERY LIFE
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
Where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
Vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the R ! We missed the R !
We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
Uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!
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Posted by: |
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New Direction
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29/11/2007 |
A friend sent this to me, thought it was funny and partly true New Direction for the war on terrorists.
"Send Prior Service Vets over 60 "
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11.. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so you can read it.
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Posted by: |
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Women eh
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29/11/2007 |
Someone , I won't say who, dared me to post this 
Women eh!
Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced tongues, ears, nipples, bellybuttons and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'.
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Posted by: |
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cussing and cheerio's
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28/11/2007 |
A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6-year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.'
The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'a$$'. The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can just stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios.' |
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Tips for buying gifts for men
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28/11/2007 |
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can really never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99- cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. |
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Dingus
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28/11/2007 |
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says,
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk
again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your dingus was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new dingus that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come
cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
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The Journey of Man hehehehe
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28/11/2007 |
*_The Journey of Man_*
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all
the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.
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Posted by: |
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First Time
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28/11/2007 |
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow... |
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Tips from redneck manners book
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28/11/2007 |
Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
***DINING OUT ***
1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone .. deodorant is a waste of good money
< U>
***DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
***WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes! for this special occasion.
***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
*TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER *
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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Posted by: |
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Too funny but oh so true!
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27/11/2007 |
Why Women Are Crabby...
We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10),' warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the doc (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions. Or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
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Posted by: |
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Christmas Eve
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27/11/2007 |
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season Begins...... |
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Goofy joke
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27/11/2007 |
There was once a truck driver who was almost always on the road. One particular day he was driving along a route that he had done a few times before. Up the road a bit he sees a man dressed from head to toe in yellow. This yellow dressed man was seemingly waving and motioning to him to get him to stop so, he complied and stopped the truck.
"Hi, can I help you?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Yellow Rascal of the road and I want something to drink and I want it now!!"
"Geez, alright, relax," said the truck driver. He then went into his truck looked around and found a soda, handed it to him, and then continued on his way.
A while later along the same highway, he came across a second man who this time was dressed from head to toe in red. Again, this man was signaling to him to stop. So, wondering what this man wanted he stopped his truck.
"Hi, can I help you sir?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Red Rascal of the road and I want something to eat and I want it now," screamed the red-dressed man. "Alright, Alright, relax," said the truck driver. "I'll see what I can do."
He went into his truck, looked around and found a sandwich. He handed it to him and then continued on his way.
Some more time passes and again he comes across a third guy who this time is dressed from head to toe in blue.
"Oh great! Not another one of these idiots," the truck driver said to himself. "I don't care what he wants, I am not stopping my truck."
But of course this blue-dressed man was very persistent. He jumped into the middle of the road, held out his hands in a "I want you to stop" kind of way and screamed. "STOP YOUR TRUCK!!!"
The truck driver slammed on the brakes, ripped open his door and ran over to the blue-dressed man quite angry as you can imagine.
"Let me guess!!" the truck driver shouted, "you're the Blue Rascal of the road. What the heck do you want!!??"
To which the man in blue replied:
"Your license and registration please."
Told ya' it was goofy |
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Posted by: |
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Dynamite
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27/11/2007 |
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replied "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
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Posted by: |
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SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
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26/11/2007 |
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climb s the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a n un
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER! |
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Ten O'Clock Tee Time...
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26/11/2007 |
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said:
"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."
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Gotta pee!
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26/11/2007 |
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to have squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, “These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst, my wife came home with no panties!”
“That's nothing,” replied the other husband. “My wife came back with a card stuck to her ass that said... 'From all of us at the Police Station. We'll never forget you!’” |
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How many dogs.......
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26/11/2007 |
....does it take to change a light bulb?
Another oldie but goodie 
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
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Advise from Grandma
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25/11/2007 |
My grandmother died in 1965, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the store on Crawford Road, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She answered in her soft Irish voice. "Makes your dick look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it
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A bit long but funny
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25/11/2007 |
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were
asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they
had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable
mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
traction.
First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of
that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled
roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them
to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something
like quarters, which we never had because our allowances
were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and
end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm
so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really
matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if
you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today.
And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts,
along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to
do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some
fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together
our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched
on the back of a giant tortoise.
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-
haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to
watch television by candlelight |
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Top Ten Questions On The Macy's Department Store Santa
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25/11/2007 |
Top Ten Questions On The Macy's Department Store Santa
Application
10. "Do you mind checking your gun at the door?"
9. "Have you ever been accused of hiding stolen goods in
your beard?"
8. "Can you pretend to be jolly making $6.25 an hour?"
7. "Would your cheeks be red without the scotch?"
6. "Are you prepared to lie about our Playstation 3
availability?"
5. "Reindeer allergies?"
4. "Can you disarm a kid who comes at you with a sharpened
candy cane?"
3. "Will your lap support today's obese children?"
2. "Do you own urine-proof pants?"
1. "Are you a cop?" |
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Wrong Question
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25/11/2007 |
A tourist from the north walks into a backwoods general. There was a local man sitting next to a pot-belly stove whittling on stick, close by was an old hound dog. The stranger asked the man.
"Does your dog bite?"
The local replied, "Nope" The stranger reached down to the pet the dog and the dog promptly bit him.
The stranger said, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite"
The local said. "My dog don't, but that there ain't my dog." |
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police dog
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24/11/2007 |
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the Elks for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool cause I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred..
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, cause I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!" |
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excuses from school
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22/11/2007 |
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
! 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in sc! hool cu s he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for miss! ing sch ool yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was ! absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She ! was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids. |
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A manly car
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21/11/2007 |
a manly man driving a manly car. A man who could take his hands off the wheel, put them behind his head and still be able to honk the horn *HONK*
Yes i'm talking about that kind of man. A manly drive in a manly car with a manly hood. A manhood, and that's what driving the car....the manhood.
So ladies always remember that when you talk to the manhood then mark your tone well 'cause if the man is insulted then the manhood can't swell. NO!!!
If he doesn't feel strong and he doesn't feel stout, it'll sulk, it'll pout and it'll never come out.
So ladies remember this well.
If you want that love to continue to thrive
then ladies sit back, shut up and let the dick drive.
In memory of the late Richard jeni whose gone to the great stage in the sky. |
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Broke Back Deer Camp
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21/11/2007 |
BROKE BACK DEER CAMP
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't
fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take
turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, s ame
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;
a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed ,
patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all
night ."
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Who will do this at 90
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20/11/2007 |
An 90-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Ole, everything looks great!
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Ole replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off."
"WOW, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Ole's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "Ole is doing fine! But, I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom and when he's done POOF! The light goes off?"
"Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims,
"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" |
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Do I look like........
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20/11/2007 |
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts.
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now?!!! Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
"Fine", the wife says.
Then the wife asks, "Could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
He replied, "Fix the fridge door?!!! Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
"Fine", she says.
Then she says, "Could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
He replied, "I am not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?!!! I don't think so!"
Then he said even more angrily, "I had enough of you! I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are fixed.
When he enters the house he sees that the hall light is working.
When he goes to get a beer our of the fridge, he notices that the door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks. "How did all this get fixed?"
"Well," she said. "When you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs. All I had to do was either bake him a cake or go to bed with him."
The husband asked, "So what kind of cake did you make him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo! Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?!!! I don't think so!" |
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Boys will be boys
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20/11/2007 |
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. |
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ha ha
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20/11/2007 |
Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-
to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves
are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going
to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious hillbilly from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and
in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' heah?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here.
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see y'all're
doing really good, you only got two left!"
NEW YORKERS SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS |
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