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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for December, 2007
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quickies
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28/12/2007 |
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends."
****************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
***************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
***************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one,
and my mom fainted, dad had a heart attack, and
our neighbor ran away.
***************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies sarcastically,
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer
complaints."
***************************************
A young boy asks his Dad,
"What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son. I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!"
***************************************************** |
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Santa Is A Woman?
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28/12/2007 |
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.   |
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dear santa
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27/12/2007 |
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Dear Santa You must be surprised that I am writing to you today,the 26th of December.Wel,I would very much like to clear things up that have happened since the first of the month,when filled with illusion,I wrote you a letter.I asked for a bycycle,an electric train set,a pair of roller blades and a football uniform.I destroyed my brain studying all year,not only was I first in my class I had the best grades in the entire school.I'm not going to lie to you,there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that was behaved than me,with my parents,my brothers,my friends and my neighbors.I would go on errands and even help the elderly across the street. There is virtually nothing i wouldn't do within reach for humanity.What balls you have leaving me a fucking yoyo,a lame whistle and an ugly pair of socks.What were you thinking,you fat prick taking me for a sucker this entire year to leave something like that under my tree.As you hadn't fucked me enough you gave the little quiff across the street so many toys he can't even walk into his house.Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year.I'll fuck you up.I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you will have to fucking walk back to the North Pole,just like I have to do now since you didn't give me a fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA,next year you'll find out how bad I can really be YOU FAT COCKSUCKER. sincerely little Johnny |
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Health Care
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27/12/2007 |
The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was wanking.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what
is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse
was giving a patient a blow-job.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA." |
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C-Nile Virus
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26/12/2007 |
Just wanted to send you this Warning and to be on the Lookout !
There's absolutely no cause for Alarm.
This is just to prepare you for the Event.
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee
cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS. |
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The Purina diet
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26/12/2007 |
The Purina Diet
I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
Duh!!?
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
The last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
Care ward with tubes everywhere and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it
Works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
Eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
Complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
Enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing
Behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
Because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a
Car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help
As he staggered to the door laughing.
Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly,
Love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything
That made you smile.
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Microsoft vs. GM
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25/12/2007 |
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off. |
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thoughts for the new year
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24/12/2007 |
> "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
> and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
> Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> ~ Jack Handy
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
> happened to your bra and panties.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
> ~Frank Sinatra
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> ~ Henny Youngman
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.! Coincidence? I think not."
> ~ S tephen Wright
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
> When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
> ~ Brian O'Rourke
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> ~ Benjamin Franklin
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
> not go nearly as well with pizza."
> ~ Dave Barry
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
> ~Dave Howell
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
>
> " Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. |
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orgasm
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24/12/2007 |
Why is orgasm a six letter word ??????
Because its easier to spell than -------Ohmygodyesohshit---- |
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how do we know
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24/12/2007 |
how do we know santas a man????
Cuz he shows up late, eats your cookie, emptys his sac, cums only once, and leaves while your sleeping. |
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Meet The Parents - Take Two
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23/12/2007 |
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? what do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!" |
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Blonde Cookbook Diary ...
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23/12/2007 |
Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
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Life Saver
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21/12/2007 |
Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.
They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys. "No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she beings to breath again.
The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says in admiration "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it." |
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Posted by: |
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You know you've had to much Christmas cheer if
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21/12/2007 |
you notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
... someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
... you start kissing the portraits on the wall.
... you see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
... you have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
... you strike a match and light your nose.
... you take off your shoes and to go wading in the macaroni salad.
... you hear a duck quacking, and it's you.
... you complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
... you refill your glass from the fish bowl.
... you tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
... you ask for another ice cube for later and put it in your pocket.
... you yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
... you pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
... you waste your best joke on the rubber plant.
... you realize you're the only one under the coffee table |
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Posted by: |
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another blonde joke
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21/12/2007 |
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What do you call a dead blonde in the closet ?........................................................... ............................................................ ............................................................ .....................................................last years hide-and-go-seek grand prize winner !!!! sorry ladies.... |
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Posted by: |
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A Woman's Best Features
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21/12/2007 |
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation withhim.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no
blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
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WANTED...
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20/12/2007 |
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious. |
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Posted by: |
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Check out You Tube
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20/12/2007 |
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search National Anthem Fenway Park, really cool what they did for the disabled |
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Posted by: |
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Just one kiss
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20/12/2007 |
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." |
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21st Century Men Are So Sensitive...
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19/12/2007 |
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." |
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Posted by: |
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Bedroom Rodeo
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18/12/2007 |
This might be especially popular in the Southern States...
You obviously have to be on top, and while "riding away" you yell out the name of their best friend...
...then see how long you can stay on. |
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Cliches and Conundrums...
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18/12/2007 |
"You Learn Something New Every Day"
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this. Edison and Einstein are the exception.
"The Sky's The Limit"
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.
"You Get What You Pay For"
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.
"Everything Comes in Threes"
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.
"Nice Guys Finish Last"
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
"If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.
"It Takes Two to Tango"
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.
"If It's Not One Thing, It's Another"
No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.
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Diamond bracelet
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17/12/2007 |
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
Diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look
more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't
pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form
of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and
displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady
with, 'Good day,Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going
to shit when I tell you the price. |
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Another oldie but goodie
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17/12/2007 |
What's the Weather?
It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation In South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
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Here cums Santa
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17/12/2007 |
A beautiful innocent young lady wanted to meet Santa Claus so she put on a robe and stayed up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrived, climbed down the chimney, and began filling the socks. He was about to leave when the girl, who happened to be a gorgeous blonde, said in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replied, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl dropped the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and said in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."
Santa began to sweat but replied, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl took off her bra and said, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wiped his brow but replied, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She removed her panties and said, "Oh Santa.... Please... Stay...."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, said, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"
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So who's doing the work
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16/12/2007 |
SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?
The population of the USA is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice !!
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'Twas the night before Christmas...
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15/12/2007 |
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock-ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
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lorena's sister...
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15/12/2007 |
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ......
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A Misdewiener!
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Long funny and very true
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14/12/2007 |
FROM: Maria Mercer, Departmental Administrator
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th. November 2007
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols .. please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if your boss shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Maria
FROM: Maria Mercer, Departmental Administrator
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th. November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Maria
FROM: Maria Mercer, Departmental Administrator
TO: All Employees
DATE: 10th. November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the cheap employees feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believes $20.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Maria
FROM: Maria Mercer, Departmental Administrator
TO: All Employees
DATE: 11th. November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslin employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with ga y men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorrry!
Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?!
Maria
FROM: Maria Mercer, Departmental Administrator
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 12th. November 2007
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday .
The Bitch from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: Brid Forde, Acting Departmental Administrator
DATE: 13th. November 2007
RE: Maria Mercer and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Maria Mercer a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Happy Holidays ! |
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The "Three Kick System"
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14/12/2007 |
One fall day seemed so nice and overcast the Lawyer upon stepping outside decide it was a perfect duck hunting day so he went back inside and changed clothes and grabbed his shotgun and drove out into the countryside
Soon he came upon a farm with a little stock dam on it and there sat a great big mallard duck. So he quietly got out of the car but the duck flew anyway and the Lawyer aimed his gun and fired and the duck fell in the adjacent field,
He was just about to cross the fence when an old farmer rolled up om his tractor and yelled at him "Hey where the hell you think you're goin?"
the Lawyer said I'm gonna retrieve the duck I just shot." To which the farmer says "Hell you are thats my field
THe Lawyer amgrily berates the farmer with "If you dont let me get that duck I will sue you for every thing you own"
The farmer says "Well sonny we have our own system for handling small civil suits out here its called the "three kick system" I get to kick you three times and then you get to kick me three times and so on and so on till one of us gives up
The Lawyer sized up the old farmer and decided he could kick the hell out of this old man so he said OK Done deal.
The old farmer crawled down from his tractor and walked up and kicked the Lawyer right in the balls with his steel toed work boots and the Lawyer crumpled to the ground Then he kicked him in the stomache causing the Lawyer to spew his morning breakfast all over And the third kick he placed squarely on the Lawyer's ass sending him face first into a very fresh cowpie
The Lawyer mustered all his strength to rise from the ground and wiping the cow shit from his face said "OK old man now it's my turn"
To which the farmer calmly replied "No! thats OK You wing! Go ahead and go get your duck !"
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