|
LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
|
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
|
-
|
| |
|
|
NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
|
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (9)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (10)
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (6)
|
|
- (11)
|
|
- (24)
|
|
- (19)
|
|
- (25)
|
|
- (26)
|
|
- (49)
|
|
- (64)
|
|
- (39)
|
|
- (14)
|
|
- (57)
|
|
- (45)
|
|
- (34)
|
|
- (23)
|
|
- (38)
|
|
- (56)
|
|
- (67)
|
|
- (73)
|
|
- (54)
|
|
- (44)
|
|
- (69)
|
|
- (72)
|
|
- (60)
|
|
- (49)
|
|
- (51)
|
|
- (73)
|
|
- (44)
|
|
- (37)
|
|
- (54)
|
|
- (100)
|
|
- (59)
|
|
- (104)
|
|
- (126)
|
|
- (71)
|
|
- (77)
|
|
- (65)
|
|
- (76)
|
|
- (116)
|
|
- (13)
|
|
- (7)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (2)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (6)
|
|
- (7)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (9)
|
|
- (5)
|
|
- (12)
|
|
- (22)
|
|
- (4)
|
|
- (17)
|
|
- (11)
|
|
- (3)
|
|
- (2)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (1)
|
|
- (1)
|
| |
|
WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
|
|
Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for January, 2008
|
|
PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER
|
31/01/2008 |
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into The waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those tramps sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
Yes, women are evil....
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Smart ass answers
|
31/01/2008 |
Smart ASS ANSWERS
SMART ASS ANSWER #5-- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #4-- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3-- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
----
Two bonus extras:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
----
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton
|
30/01/2008 |
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Five surgeons
|
29/01/2008 |
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I
like to see
accountants on my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There are no guts; no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
head and the ass are interchangeable. |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Flavours
|
29/01/2008 |
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, 'Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these.'
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
'I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. 'It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all of the time.'
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
'Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!' |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Community Service
|
28/01/2008 |
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ’Thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning, the barber goes to open up, and there...waiting at his door...
...are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
IDIOT SIGHTING
|
28/01/2008 |
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McDs.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE, REPRODUCE, and TEACH their young!
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Never bring plants into the house!
|
28/01/2008 |
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her.
 
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
2008 Tax Code
|
27/01/2008 |
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has
two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed
according to size:
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Funny court moments
|
25/01/2008 |
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was ..........ugh?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
So Much Snow...
|
25/01/2008 |
One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Acting Your Age...
|
25/01/2008 |
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
 |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Poor Skippy!
|
25/01/2008 |
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later , she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Marriage Commandments
|
24/01/2008 |
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment bu t then smiled,
"Wow! This stuff really Works!" |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Ever Wonder??
|
23/01/2008 |
Have you ever wondered where the Phrase
"You gotta be shittin' me" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the
father of our country, way back when George Washington was
crossing the Delaware River with his troops.There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water
was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this
name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a
lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued
swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal
Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters,but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the
other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said,
"General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill
repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding
around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise
stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak,
"Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet,exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the madam looked at all the men standing there, and
with a broad smile on her face, said,
"Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied,
"Well,Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said,
"You gotta be shittin' me."
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Be Strong Honey...
|
23/01/2008 |
A prisoner escapes from his Colchester prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
If Dear Abby Were Dear Albert
|
23/01/2008 |
Q: My fiancée still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great-tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you keep your figure, and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work too hard to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present...and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise
|
22/01/2008 |
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration re jects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team..
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
|
22/01/2008 |
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
41 Things In The Life Of An Italian Child
|
21/01/2008 |
01. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.
02. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich."
03. Your family dog understood Italian.
04. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.
05. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.
06. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.
07. You thought killing the pig each year and having salami, capacollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed ceiling was absolutely normal. (Wow, that's really Italian!)
08. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every Sunday, and laughed at the commercial for Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day.
09. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.
10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
11. You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.
12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.
13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.
14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.
15. You thought that everyone made their own tomato sauce.
16. You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.
17. You ate your salad after the main course.
18. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.
19. You were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.
20. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your hand.
21. You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.
22. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.
23. All of your uncles fought in a World War.
24. You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or Louie.
25. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.
26. You have relatives you don't speak to. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
27. You drank wine before you were a teenager.
28. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos. I maka a meata ball you can't refuse! ...forrgetttabbboutit! badda bing!
29. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.
30. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on plastic.
31. You thought that talking loud was normal.
32. You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.
33. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives.
34. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no matter what their age.
35. There was a crucifix in every room of the house.
36. Wakes would be held in someone's living room.
37. You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father. (Oh, and he had to be Italian)
38. You called pasta "macaroni".
39. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school.
40. Going out for a cup of coffee usually meant going out for a cup of coffee over Zia's house.
41. Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and accident was attributed to the fact that you didn't eat something. |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The husband store (I going to get in trouble for this one )lol
|
21/01/2008 |
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
The Vegas Hooker
|
21/01/2008 |
A guy goes to Vegas and gambles his first day away. He does really good! So, he decides to hire a hooker. He stops at a street corner and picks up the first hooker he finds, and takes the hooker back to his hotel room. He gets up there, and says, "I want a blow job."
The hooker looks at him and says, "That'll be $350."
The guy is floored. "$350! Why so expensive?!"
The hooker says, "Look out the window into the parking lot. You see that BMW? I paid cash for that because I give the best BJ's in town!"
So the guy pays, and he is not disappointed. The next day he gambles again, and makes even more money. He is so excited that he spends the rest of the afternoon looking for the same hooker.
After locating the hooker, he goes back to the hotel room. "Tonight I want to go Greek," he informs the hooker. The hooker says, "That'll be $800."
The guy is floored again. "$800! Why so expensive?!"
The hooker says, "Look out the window. You see that high rise penthouse? I paid cash for that because I have the best ass in town."
So the guy pays and he is not disappointed. The next day he does really well again at gambling. So he gets the same hooker back in his hotel room. "Tonight, I want straight up sex"
The hooker says, "Look out that window. Do you see that mini-mall?"
The guy says, "Oh, let me guess. You own that too?"
The hooker says, "Nope. But I would if I had a pussy."
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
My Vibrator...
|
20/01/2008 |
My vibrator, which brings me heaven;
Rabbit be thy name.
Til kingdom come, thy makest me cum,
On earth with eyes up to heaven.
Give me this day my daily thrill
And forgive me my screams;
As I forgive flat batteries.
Lead me not in to temptation,
But deliver me from frustration.
For thine is the rotation,
The power and the buzzing,
Forever and ever,
No men!!
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
turn about fair play hehehehe
|
20/01/2008 |
I was sittin' in traffic
Listenin' to the radio
George Strait was singin'
"Seashores of Old Mexico"
It sounded so good
I got an idear
I'm gonna go there
Since they're all over here
The Lone Star State
Should be renamed "TEXICO"
So long, Texas.. Hello, Mexico
I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande at El Paso
I'm leavin' tonight
I ain't gonna pack
I'm only takin' the clothes on my back
So long Texas, Hello Mexico
I'll drive a rattletrap car
with no liability,
I'll demand equal rights
though I'm there illegally
I'll protest in the streets
'Til they finally grant 'em,
Sing English words
to their National Anthem..
HEY! El Presidente
What's right for your people
Should be right for me
There's no controlling that tide that keeps rolling across the line.
This old Texas cowboy feels like my home state is no longer mine.
So long, Texas.. Hello, Mexico
I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande at El Paso
I'm leavin' tonight
I ain't gonna pack
I'm only takin' the clothes on my back
So long Texas, Hello Mexico
(Fade) YEP! Turnabout's fair play
HECK! I already LOVE the food
AND TEQUILA!
I'm gonna fly that Lone Star flag
and Old Glory EVERY DAY
I'm gonna celebrate every Fourth of July
I'm gonna make them print them forms in English
just for ME!
I'm gonna marry me a pretty senorita and we're
gonna have free medical care and free
education for ALL our kids!
Heck! Playin' my ol' guitar's the only
OTHER skill I've GOT!
Hmm - I wonder if I'll see ol' George Strait
over there
Hey, Gringo! You're swimming the wrong way,
man!
Yeah, yeah! I know!
Hey, Amigo! Hey, Amigo! You got a
SEESTER???? |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
To be 6 Again...
|
19/01/2008 |
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Another oldie but goodie
|
18/01/2008 |
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
"THE TEETH." |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Poet's Corner - "Mary had..."
|
17/01/2008 |
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
Mary had a little skirt, split right up the sides
and every time she wore it, she showed off all her thighs
Mary had another skirt, split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
Application to date my daughter
|
16/01/2008 |
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ____________________________________________________________ _
____________________________________________________________ _________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
____________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
 |
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
M.A.S.H. Treatment
|
14/01/2008 |
A General is visiting a Military Hospital and visits the GIs on the ward to improve moral. He approaches the first bed.
General: Morning, Soldier
GI 1 : Morning, Sah
General: What are you in for, Soldier?
GI 1 : Chronic case of piles, Sah
General: What treatment are you getting, Soldier?
GI 1 : 15 minutes each day with the wire brush, Sah
General: And what's your ambition, Soldier?
GI 1 : Get back to front, Sah
General: Good man - carry one.
The General approaches the second bed.
General: Morning, Soldier
GI 2 : Morning, Sah
General: What are you in for, Soldier?
GI 2 : Chronic case of gonorrhea, Sah
General: What treatment are you getting, Soldier?
GI 2 : 15 minutes each day with the wire brush, Sah
General: And what's your ambition, Soldier?
GI 2 : Get back to front, Sah
General: Good man - carry one.
The General approaches the third bed.
General: Morning, Soldier
GI 3 : Morning, Sah
General: What are you in for, Soldier?
GI 3 : Chronic case of gum disease, Sah
General: What treatment are you getting, Soldier?
GI 3 : 15 minutes each day with the wire brush, Sah
General: And what's your ambition, Soldier?
GI 3 : Get the wire brush before the other two, Sah
|
|
Posted by: |
|
|
|
