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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for February, 2008
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How to make a woman happy
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29/02/2008 |
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynacologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47.be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other women
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
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corny but cute
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28/02/2008 |
Cooking With Cannibals...
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
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That's Punny... part 1 and 2
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27/02/2008 |
1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.
2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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Careful What You Wish For...
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26/02/2008 |
A handsome man walked into a bar with a brightly coloured parrot on his shoulder and a cat following behind him. He says to the barman, "Gimme a beer, a whisky for the parrot and glass of wine for the cat". The cat looks up and says, "I'm not paying" and the brightly coloured parrot hands over the necessary cash.
The barman pours the drinks and the strange threesome sit at the bar and enjoy them. When they've finished the handsome man calls the barman over and orders another three drinks. The cat again says, "I'm not paying" and the brightly coloured parrot hands over the necessary cash. The drinks come and again they sit quietly at the bar and finish them. The same pattern continues all night with the handsome man ordering the drinks, the cat saying "I'm not paying" and the brightly coloured parrot handing over the cash.
Towards the end of the night the barman decides to find out what's behind this strange behaviour and asks the handsome man how he came by his two companions. The handsome man replied, "I was walking along the beach and I found a strange glass bottle. When I pulled the stopper out, a genie materialised and said I could have three wishes. My first wish was to be made really handsome". The barman nods and asks what his second was. "I asked for a wallet that was always full of money". The barman nods again, realising that that must be where the brightly coloured parrot was getting the money. Thinking about the brightly coloured parrot and the cat that keeps saying "I'm not paying", the barman asks about the third wish.
"Well", says the handsome man, "I asked for a pretty bird with a tight pussy".
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Posted by: |
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Speed Trapped
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24/02/2008 |
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting
speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine
Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was
using a hand held radar device to check speeding
vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar
gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer
attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not
reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed
that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18
Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near
the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired
off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply
came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the
file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tacticalcomputer in the Hornet had detected the presence of,
and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar
equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back
to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully
armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to
your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet
recognized the situation for what it was, quickly
responded to the missile system alert status and was
able to override the automated defense system before
the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar
position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when
cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets
are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer
holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check
his left rear molar . It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi. |
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Buying A Bra -- A Cowboy's Poem...
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21/02/2008 |
I ain't much for shopping,
Nor even goin' into town -
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.
But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three."
Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.
I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally make my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done
But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.
6 7/8 or there abouts...
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Installing Your Husband...
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21/02/2008 |
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
***
DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
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In Too Far
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20/02/2008 |
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pussy, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far." |
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You Do The Math...
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19/02/2008 |
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
And my favorite one......
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. |
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Another oldie but goodie
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19/02/2008 |
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends Yo u Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' |
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Posted by: |
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High-tech Restaurant
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19/02/2008 |
Sorry... had to do it 
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."
Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time.
So the next day he returned. Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, " Uh...'bout.50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t e Obama or Hillary?"
I know, I know... shame on me...   |
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Dear Girls...
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19/02/2008 |
For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins.
No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live 21st Century Man
Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is......
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut you hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present....again.
5. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday = Sport. Let it be.
7. Shopping is not a sport.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!!
9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
12. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was in the first two months we were going out.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazine are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
24. When we are in bed and look tired this means we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half mine.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
29. Do not question our sense of direction.
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Giggling in the Graveyard...
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19/02/2008 |
The following are humorous messages written on tombstones...enjoy!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, and the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
dig six feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
In a Hartscombe, England cemetery:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you, I'll not consent
until I know which way you went.
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Posted by: |
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children's ryhme
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17/02/2008 |
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a dollar and a quarter
Jill came down with two and a half
Do you think they went afer water??? |
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non habit forming.
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15/02/2008 |
these two nuns, they had been giving the mother superior an attitude. so she decided to punish them by making them paint the rectory. the only catch was that they couldn't get any paint on their habits, so they decided to paint the room in the nude.
about an hour passed by, and there was a knock on the door.
"who is it?" they asked.
"it's the blind man" answered a voice, out side the door.
well, they let him in, has was blind, after all, what could he possibly see?
they opened the door and let him in.
he said "nice tits, now where am i supposed to hang these blinds?"
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Never Argue with a Woman
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14/02/2008 |
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"For reading a book," she replies,
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again,
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with $e^ual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. |
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Carnation Milk
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14/02/2008 |
One day while the school teacher was teaching the class about poems she assigned them a homework project. The class was to write a short poem about Carnation Milk.
The next day when school began she asked if they had any poems ready to read to the class. The smartest and most polite little boy raised his hand and said he was ready to read his poem. So he walked to the front of the class and began his poem like this
Carnation, Carnation the best milk in the land,
I like it because it comes in a little red can.
Well the dumb farm boy wasn't going to be outdone by some little sissy city boy so he raised his hand and announced he was also ready to read his poem to the class. His poem was written like this;
Carnation, Carnation the best milk in the land,
No Tits to pull, No hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the little red son of a bitch
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Thought this was cute........
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14/02/2008 |
When The Moon Hits Your Eye...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight
That's Sa...mur...ai.
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DOE RE MI BEER,
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13/02/2008 |
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH! |
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Who says Todays Kids aren't smart ??
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13/02/2008 |
I wish I'd thought of this...
At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
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Moms
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13/02/2008 |
Second graders say the funniest things
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want t o sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1 Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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Another oldie but goodie
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13/02/2008 |
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 8 0 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.  |
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A sad day
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13/02/2008 |
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment industry. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Take time to pass this news on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumbly day and kneads it.
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What Not To Say To Your Valentine...
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13/02/2008 |
These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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Diagnosis
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13/02/2008 |
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor Who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could come used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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Best Headlines of 2007...
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13/02/2008 |
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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Dim Dam Piss Ants
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09/02/2008 |
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Little Johnny was sitting beside the road next to an old tree stump. Every now and then he would take his thumb and smash an ant as it crawled across the stump, And saying out loud Dim Dam Piss Ants. Just as the preacher was walking by he overheard the young boy's comments. The preacher stopped and kindly asked the young man what was going on? I'm trying to kill all Dim Dam Piss Ants. The preacher looked at the boy and politely told him that those ants were some of Gods creatures and that all of Gods creatures had a purpose for being on earth. Johnny looked at the preacher and flatly stated not Dim Damn Piss Ants. The preacher kinda smiled and asked the young man, well I suppose you might be right but I'm not all that sure about your thinking. I am willing to make a little wager with you if you would like. You will have to come to church every Sunday for 6 months if you can name me 3 things that God has created that serves no purpose. The boy thought for a few minutes and then answered the preacher with his reasoning. Well preacher I guess about the only things I can think of right now that God created that serves no purpose would be "Tits on a Nun, Balls on a Priest, and Dim Damn Piss Ants. |
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Yet another blonde joke!
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06/02/2008 |
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,
"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
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