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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for March, 2008
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Once upon a time
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28/03/2008 |
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Once upon a time, a man asked a woman to marry him, she said "no", and he lived happily ever after....... |
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Posted by: |
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Old words with new meanings...
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28/03/2008 |
1. Coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent: (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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You all thought the US had dumb laws
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28/03/2008 |
*Britain*
- In London, Hackney taxis must carry a bale of hay and a sack of
oats.
- It is illegal to be drunk in a pub or club, or any other licensed
premises.
- Oddly, it is illegal to consume a mince pie on Christmas Day.
- In Hereford, you may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a
longbow in the Cathedral Close.
- However, in Chester you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow
and
arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.
- Also in York, excluding Sundays, it is apparently legal to shoot a
Scotsman with a bow and arrow.
- In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public
unless they are a clerk in a tropical fish store.
- It is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of
Commons wearing a full coat of armour.
- Sleeping with a consort of the queen is classified as treason, and
as such carries a maximum penalty of death.
- Placing a postage stamp of the queen upside down, is also
considered
treason.
- It is unlawful to impersonate an Chelsea pensioner.
- It is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday. It is however legal
to
sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price, and to give
free
gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a
Sunday.
The following *are* legal though:
- a male may urinate in public, so long as it is on the rear wheel
of
his motor vehicle, and his right hand is on the vehicle.
- all English males over the age of 14 are to carry out
approximately
two hours of longbow practice a week, supervised by the local
clergy.
*Australia*
- It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt
shoes
and have black shoe polish on your face as these are the items of an
cat
burglar.
- It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of the pavement.
- Taxi cabs are required to carry a bale of hay in the trunk.
- In Victoria, it is illegal to wear hot pink shorts after midday on
a
Sunday.
*Canada*
- In Alberta, there is a city law that states that any person being
released from prison must be given a handgun with bullets, and a
horse so
that they can ride out of town.
- In British Colombia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch.
- In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not permitted.
- In Etobicoke, the bylaw states that 'no more than 3.5 inches of
water is allowed in a bathtub'.
- Guelph, is an official 'NO-PEE' zone.
- In Toronto, it is illegal to drag a dead horse down Yonge Street
on
a Sunday.
*Denmark*
- Before starting your car, you are legally required to make an
visual
check to make sure there are no children underneath your car.
- When driving, you must have someone in front of your car with a
flag, to warn horse drawn carriages that a car is coming.
*Scotland*
- It is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow.
- For some crimes, you are presumed guilty until proven innocent.
*Switzerland*
- It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10pm if you live in an
apartment.
- A man may not relieve himself while standing up, after 10pm.
*Thailand*
- It is illegal to step on any of the nations currency.
- It is illegal to leave the house if you are not wearing underwear. |
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Opening Day Riddle...
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27/03/2008 |
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. The game is really exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
***
Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!
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Cinderella
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27/03/2008 |
After many years, Cinderella finally reached the ripe age of 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she now happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella says, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
"It is the least that I can do," replies her Fairy Godmother. "What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!" And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
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When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...
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27/03/2008 |
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little jerk, O'Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
****
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I've somethin' to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?”
“That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don't tell me.”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”
****
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!”
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Wal Mart Application
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25/03/2008 |
This is an actual job application that a senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, would I be applying here in the first place?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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Not according to.....
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25/03/2008 |
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.
Hillary said" You didn't have sex, did you"?
Chelsea said "not according to Dad"! |
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fast cars...
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23/03/2008 |
there were three guys.
the first guy said "i just bought my wife a Porsche, for her birthday! it goes from 0-60 in 5.2 seconds!"
well, the second guy, not wanting to be out done?
he goes out and buys his wife a Ferrari..."it goes from 0-60 in 3.5 seconds!"
the third guy says "ha, I've got those both beat! i got my wife some thing that goes fro 0-200 in 2 seconds!"
the others wonder "huh?, what could that be?"
he bought her a bathroom scale! |
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Makes ya think
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22/03/2008 |
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? |
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The Pastors Ass
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22/03/2008 |
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of pub licity
that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP
SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline
the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS
IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about
public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about
everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer!
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St Patricks Day
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18/03/2008 |
Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin'in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin'closer all the time."
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
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Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it,
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs.
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prayers of men and women
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14/03/2008 |
WOMAN'S PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray this man will love me to the end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. |
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Potato Problems...
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14/03/2008 |
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and would end-up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...are you ready for this?
A COMMONTATER...
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what is a penis ?
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10/03/2008 |
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two eight year-old boys were playing in the back yard one day. Billy asked Tommy, "whats a penis"? Tommy responded,"i dont know,but i will ask my dad,he knows EVERYTHING".Tommy went barreling into the house,found his dad,and asked loudly," hey dad,whats a penis"?the father then shushed his son,took him in the bathroom and said,"look here son", as he unzipped his fly,and took his penis in hand."this is a penis son,not only that,it is a PERFECT penis ! got it "? Tommy dutifully said "yessir" and went back outside to find Billy. when Billy saw his friend he asked"well, did you find out what a penis was"? Tommy beckoned him behind some bushes,unzipped his pants and said," THIS is a penis.......and if it was 3 inches SHORTER, it would be perfect "!!!!!!!! |
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nuns
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10/03/2008 |
Sitting behind some nuns (whose habits partially blocked their view) at a hockey game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.'
The second guy spoke up and said, 'I want to go to Montana , there are only 50 nuns living there.'
The third guy said, 'I want to go to Idaho , there are only 25 nuns living there.'
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, 'Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!'
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Things That Piss Me Off
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08/03/2008 |
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.
When people say "Life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What? Are they going to fucking do something that's longer?
When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!
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Real Friends
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08/03/2008 |
Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
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SERVICE
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08/03/2008 |
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service" . This is not
what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came
into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am. |
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The Demographics of American Newspapers
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06/03/2008 |
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think that they ought to run the country
but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their
statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country
and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but
need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there
is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that
they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal
aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are
not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.
12. The Oregonian is read by people who have recently caught a fish an d need
something in which to wrap it. |
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Brick Layer's Misery...
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06/03/2008 |
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
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Am I a Polar Bear?
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03/03/2008 |
Too cute!
One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question dad?"
"Sure, son what is it?"
"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.
Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."
So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.
"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"
Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."
Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun
he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....
"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"
"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why
are you asking all these questions?"
Junior looks up and says....Cause I'm freaking freezing!
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Circumcised
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03/03/2008 |
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was Squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She Went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and Whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quit Itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was To telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did It and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the Back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting At his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call Your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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