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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for April, 2008
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Joe goes to the docs
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30/04/2008 |
Joe goes to the doctor's...
...the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest cock the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and gain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Joe replied.
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Posted by: |
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A lesson for the boys
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30/04/2008 |
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be Able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it Turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big F****** red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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stupid joke...
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30/04/2008 |
did ya hear about the clutzy orthodontist?
ya could say, he was kinda accidental prone...  |
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The 5 Kings
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29/04/2008 |
The 5 KINGS that make people happy.
Drin-KING, smo-KING, lic-KING, suc-KING, AND fuc-KING. |
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Liver and Cheese...
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29/04/2008 |
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
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Needles Are Not Nice...
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29/04/2008 |
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
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DIRTY WORDS & EXPRESSIONS FOR 2008
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25/04/2008 |
goober gobbler
laplicker
pin pricked bug fucker
Fuckhead
Goober Smoocher
Knob Gobbler
Crotch Master
pookypoker
Needle dick
yogurt slinger
sperm burper
KY throat
two bit whore give my my change
pull it out a little deeper
smegma slurper
Wrong as two boys fuckin
Kock Knocker
Nut Munch
ovary pounding
self indulgent pussy pounder
weenie wetter
clit throat
cum chugger
Ass Wipe
Cunt lapper
Sperm Gurglin'
Gutter Slut
Jizz Recepticle
Cum Dumpster
prick sniffer
lotion spanker
bishop beating wanker
twat-swab
taint licker
 my bad!
tica.... 
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MEET JACK SCHITT...
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25/04/2008 |
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:
In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schitt produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schitt")
Fulla Schitt
Shineola (who didn't really have the Schitt Face)
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father),
and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt.
Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.
The other twin, Deep Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched it's product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".
But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.
Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.
These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.
The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt
But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.
Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."
(From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)
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Posted by: |
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Medical Breakthrough Medications
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24/04/2008 |
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls,
is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up
phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with
Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man
who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet
to be used on anyone too eager to share their life
stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More
effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides
the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women
to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
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At a Party
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24/04/2008 |
At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something
in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think
I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes
narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch
that stole my diary...."
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barbershop
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19/04/2008 |
I guy walks into a barbershop and asks the barber"how long before I can get a haircut"
The barber says I am reaaly busy about 3 hours.
So the guy leaves and he comes back 2 days later and says how long for a haircut and the barber says about an hour and a half.
So the guy leaves again.
2 days later the guy goes back into the barber shop and ask how long for a haircut and the barber says about an hour. So the guy leaves and the barber says to a friend of his "heh go follow that guy and see were he is going". His buddy leaves and comes back in about 20 minutes later laughing.
The barber says to his buddy " ok where the fuck is this guy going?" and his buddy says
your house!!!!!!!
enjoy! |
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How to give a Cat a Pill VS a Dog
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19/04/2008 |
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1 Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3 Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9 Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2 Toss it in the air
I still luv em, anyways.
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Learning on the Job
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18/04/2008 |
The manager of a general store is teaching a new kid how to sell customers more than they actually need. “I’ll show you what I mean,” he whispers as a guy walks in asking for lawn seed.
“Here you go,” says the manager.
“And you’ll be wanting a lawn mower, right?”
“Why’s that?” the guy asks.
“You’ll need to cut the grass after the seeds grow.”
Amazingly, the guy buys one. When another man enters and asks for a pack of Tampax, the manager winks at the boy, who says, “Of course, sir. And I suppose you’ll be needing a lawn mower?”
“Why would that be?” asks the puzzled customer.
“Well, your weekend’s fucked, so you might as well mow the lawn.”
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British Hospitality...
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18/04/2008 |
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
I know, I know.... me! |
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Why you never Question a Drunk
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18/04/2008 |
I was shopping at the local supermarket the other day where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that? "
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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Tax poem
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18/04/2008 |
The more you earn, the less you keep,
And now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to take,
If the tax collector hasn't got it before I wake.
-- Ogden Nash
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A Duck Walks Into A Bar...
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18/04/2008 |
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
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11/04/2008 |
"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things
on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that redhead over there is
wearing a bra."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could be worse."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."
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MOODS OF A WOMAN & MAN
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11/04/2008 |
MOODS OF A WOMAN:
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN:
Hungry
Horny
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Two boys
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11/04/2008 |
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
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This is creepy!
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10/04/2008 |
Think of a letter between A and W.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going . . . Don't stop ....
Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Think of either a man's/woman's
name that begins with the
last letter in the animals name.
Almost there........
Now count out the letters
in that name on the fingers of
the hand you are not using to
scroll down.
Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.
Look at your palm very closely
and notice the lines in your hand.
Do the lines make the
form of the first letter
in the persons name?!
Of course not......
Now TAKE THAT HAND AND SMACK
THE SHIT out ofyourself, get a life and quit playing stupid e-mail games!
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Sorry....
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07/04/2008 |
... this is a bad one.
A man walks into the doctor's and says... 'Doctor, I can't stop thinking i'm a moth.'
Doctor replies 'Well, you should be seeing a psychiatrist, what on earth did you come in here for?!'
Man..... 'Well... the light was on.'
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Tim Vine....
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07/04/2008 |
Just a little tribute to a comedic friend of mine. Tim Vine... the man with the golden pun.
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming pool. I said 'Is that the local swimming pool?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds they light up again. Well a fire broke out at the factory that makes them........
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truly tasteless joke
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04/04/2008 |
Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second hasno legs and the third has no body, just a head.
The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course.)
The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:
"Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"
I know, I know... shame on me! |
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The handy-woman
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04/04/2008 |
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."
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Free to good home
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04/04/2008 |
I got the funniest e mail this mornin'. It came with a picture of a woman and her HUMONGOUS English Mastif. His head is bigger than a basketball, I kid you not! This was the add she put in the paper to try to find him a good home. Too funny!!
Free Dog
* Free to good home.
* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
* Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.!!'
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Skinny Dipping
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03/04/2008 |
An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He
> had a
> beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and
> he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and
> he'd planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.
>
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
> over,
> as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
> bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
> splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he
> came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side
> of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He
> made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out
> until you leave!'
>
> The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come down here to watch
> you
> ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.' Holding the bucket
> up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'
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Female Genie!!
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03/04/2008 |
Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good.
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Bust stop
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02/04/2008 |
A bus stop and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives. 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi!'
($100.00 says you're gonna read this again!)
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The way children see things....
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02/04/2008 |
You may have already heard these but they're worth repeating!  
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!” |
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