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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for May, 2008
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room 302
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31/05/2008 |
> > ROOM 302
> >
> > A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
> > 'Is
> > it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
> >
> >
> > The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
> > number?'
> >
> > The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room
> > 302.'
> >
> >
> > The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with he r
> > nurse.'
> >
> > After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good
> > news.
> > Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is
> > fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr.
> > Cohen,
> > has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'
> >
> > The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God
> > bless you for the good news.'
> > The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
> >
> > The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
> > shit.' |
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You'll get more than a gallon of gas
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30/05/2008 |
CBC reports that gas stations will start showing
PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can
see someone else get screwed at the same time you do!! 
As I was reading Chazzy's Post with gas prices...I'm throwing this for shits~n~giggles... thought it was funny and enlightening with how our monies are going to the oil dogs.
tica...  |
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So you say you want a job in the main office?
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30/05/2008 |
Pass this test and it might be yours!
Professionalism Test
Read this out loud:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each
line from the start.
tica...
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A State Trooper and a Truck Driver
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30/05/2008 |
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The
patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.
"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.
"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed."
tica... |
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Statistical Findings:
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30/05/2008 |
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favor nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
tica... |
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How To Ask A Man To Do Something
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30/05/2008 |
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or
four hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will
usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something
that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his
remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and
microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to
not give him a blow job.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.
tica...
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Light a candle
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29/05/2008 |
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle.'
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Mathematical Miracles...
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29/05/2008 |
Little Sameer who was a Hindu, was failing in math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School.
"Those nuns are tough" they said.
Sameer was soon enrolled at St Mary's. After school on the very first day Sameer ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread all over his room. Right after dinner, he ran upstairs without mentioning TV and hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed.
This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. Sameer quietly laid the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.
Sameer had an gotten an 'A' in math! She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked,
"Sameer , how did this happen? Was it the nuns?"
"No" said Sameer. "On the first day of school when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".
Horrible, I know  |
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final exam?
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29/05/2008 |
during a writing class, the teacher gave a final exam.
the assignment was as follows:
write a short story that included these three topics of discussion...
1.) religion
2.) sexuality
3.) mystery
this is the only A+ story written:
"dear God, i think i'm pregnant, i wonder who the father is?" |
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Rhyming with Romanticism
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28/05/2008 |
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with
the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, but
I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty And so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
tica...
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TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
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28/05/2008 |
#10 -- "Scattered F___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
# 9 - "How the f___did you work that out?" Pythagorus, 126 BC
# 8 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1568
# 7 - "Where did all those f__ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
# 6 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
# 5 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhardt, 1937
# 4 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that!" Einstein, 1938
# 3 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
# 2 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in my head!" - JFK, 1963
# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997
(these are just a part of a joke, no pun intended to anyone)
tica... |
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Want to make a bet
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27/05/2008 |
A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full
figured girl. Despite her dress being buttoned to the
neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her
clothes.
Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was
intrigued and accepted the bet.
He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and
squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey,
you touched my clothes"
He replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar." 
tica...
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Grandpa are you stiff yet
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27/05/2008 |
Sitting on the porch the boy was walking down the street
when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in
the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing
on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."
tica...
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What's the difference between 3 Mothers Daughters
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26/05/2008 |
Three Mothers, a Blondie, Brunette, and a Redhead were all
talking about their daughters.
The Brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."
The Redhead said, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks.
The Blonde said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"
tica...
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Women Superiority
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24/05/2008 |
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxi's stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 Guys, We love you really!!
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Hooked on Phonics... A.B.C.D.E.F.G...
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23/05/2008 |
My five-year old Grandson, Jake, is learning to read.
Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Grandpa! It says so on the
picture!"
And so it does...
A f R I c a n Elephant
tica...
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Posted by: |
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ILLEGAL FILE SHARING
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23/05/2008 |
i see you looking at my HARDDRIVE, baby,you want some of this? you wanna EXCHANGE FILES with me?
because i've been JACKING ONTO THE INTERNET for a mighty long time,and i've got a very, big, COLLECTION OF MP3S.
don't look at me like i'm a TROJAN HORSE trying to HACK my way into your back door. i ain't gonna RAM my SPAM into your MAINFRAME!
and you don't have to worry about catching nothing, baby,i use VIRUS PROTECTION!
and i ain't gonna bring over no FLOPPY DISC, neither, i've got nothing but FIRMWARE on my HARDWARE, baby.
how big is it? ONE TERRABYTE, baby, EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE. gonna make it an INTERNAL HARD DRIVE.
oh, you're fingering your MOUSE BUTTON just thinking about it, aren't you? don't think you can handle all this BANDWIDTH? that's okay, you'll still MEGABYTE your lip as i slip the MALE END of my THUMB DRIVE dongle into the FEMALE END of your USB PORT, and i'll DOWNLOAD all over your LAPTOP.
oh, you wanna do this on your DESKTOP? well, let's layout
a SPREADSHEET so we don't get DATA all over everything.
what i got will fill your MYSPACE. oh, you want it all
over your FACEBOOK, too, well, i can shoot it right into
your IPOD! i aim to please. i'll GOOGLE you till you
scream YAHOO like a AMAZON!
OMFG! MEGAHERTZ so good!
i give you all 17-INCHES of my MAC BOOK PRO! and it
might take all night long, baby, take a look at my
ITUNES, it'll tell you how long i can go... 97 days...
without a single repeat.
oh don't FREEZE up on me, baby... whatchoo mean FATAL
ERROR? why you giving me that BLUE SCREEN? that what i
get trying to connect with a PC!
i'ma tuck you into BETA and let you CRASH for the night
and maybe we'll RESTART this in the morning.
in the meantime, i'll be sure to leave some COOKIES on
your BROWSER. no hard feelings.
(thought you'd enjoy this and how it was structured, lol)
tica...
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Dear Abby...
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23/05/2008 |
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob
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The best short joke.....
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23/05/2008 |
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
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But... Momma, Momma, I want one
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22/05/2008 |
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
"What is that?"asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing,nothing at all,Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said,"If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."
tica...
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Posted by: |
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Dr's Orders
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22/05/2008 |
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a
cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
tica...
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Colonoscopy Quotes
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21/05/2008 |
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
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Toilet Trained ;)
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21/05/2008 |
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doing just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say : "Uhhh, I'm Just like you trying to get through the day!" At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. Can I come over to your place after while? Ok, This question is just wacky but I figured I could be just polite and end the conversation. I tell him, well I have company over so today is a bad day for me! Then I hear the guy say nervously..."LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's a fucking idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
tica...
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Im-peckable
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20/05/2008 |
A Texas woodpecker and a New Mexico woodpecker were
arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Texas woodpecker said Texas had a tree that no
woodpecker could peck.
The New Mexico woodpecker accepted his challenge and
promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The
Texas woodpecker was amazed.
The New Mexico woodpecker then challenged the Texas
woodpecker to peck a tree in New Mexico that was
absolutely im-peck-able (a term woodpeckers like to use).
The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could
do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to
New Mexico where the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked
the so-called im-peck-able tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that
the New Mexico woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree
and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the New Mexico
tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own
state?? Huh?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the
same conclusion:......
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from
home.
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Golf and Cows...
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20/05/2008 |
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"
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Good News, Bad News, Sad News...
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20/05/2008 |
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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"How dare You"
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16/05/2008 |
A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter.
As he lifts his leg over the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumps up and yells, 'Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!'
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, 'I'm awful sorry ma'am... I didn't know we was a takin' turns.'
tica...
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Fractured fairy tale
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16/05/2008 |
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: “I don't fuckin’ think so.” |
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the scent of a woman....
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15/05/2008 |
a guys says to a woman "can i smell your crotch?"...
the woman replies "hell no, you can not smell my crotch!!"
"oh." replies the guy...
"must be your feet then!!"
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Zingers
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14/05/2008 |
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.... then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was.... resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was.... Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a..... little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is..... pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take..... debate.
The dwarf fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a.....small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got..... twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became.... a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with... stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they will.... always multiply.
What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles..... U C L A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did..... a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was..... on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out..... free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could...... jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought..... tooth and nail.
What's the definition of a will?..... It's a dead giveaway
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