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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
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Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for June, 2008
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Sexual Relations
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29/06/2008 |
A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."
The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist says, "Very interesting, " and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!" 
tica... 
xox |
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Which one will you ride tonight?
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28/06/2008 |
I was talking to my friend last night at a cafe about my four motorcycles, all the bikes have women's names.
An elderly couple entered and sat in the next booth.
My friend asked me, "So which one are you going to ride tonight?"
I responded, "I think I will ride Mary for about three hours, eat, rest a bit, then ride Vixen for two hours."
The man sitting next to us spewed his coffee.
My friend continued, "When are you going to ride the others?"
I said, "Well, Amy will get ridden all day Saturday if my butt doesn't get too sore."
The wife of the old man raised her eyebrows and smiled at me.
I continued, "Sunday I expect to ride Alice in the country over rough roads, she handles better than the others."
"How?" my friend queried.
"Well I get going as fast as I can, grab her by the handles and hang on for dear life."
"Has she ever thrown you." asked my friend
"A couple of times. Which is why I wear a helmet."
The old man leered at me.
"Where do you keep them?" my friend wondered aloud.
"I keep them locked up in the garage. I don't want anyone else to touch them but me."
Again the man's wife looked at me and smiled.
The man got red in the face.
My friend asked, "You can only ride em one at a time, so can I ride one?"
"Heck yes, as long as you have life insurance. These gals are rough and tough and give no quarter." Also, I have to charge you 10 dollars an hour to cover the maintenance on these ladies."
"Do you kick them to get them started." he asked.
"No, I just choke them a bit, then fire them fire up. They warm up really fast." "Okay here is 10 dollars, let's go."
My friend summarizes. "Here is the key to unlock her."
The husband and wife fainted.
tica...
xox
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The Penis Formula
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28/06/2008 |
There was a boy in the local high school who was what is considered to be a nerd.
He had his own lab in the basement of their home.
One night he came up and said: "Dad look what I made." He poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was quite impressed by this.
He asked his son if he can develop a chemical formula to make his penis grow longer and larger.
His son thought for a moment and said, If I do, then, you have to buy me a convertible."
Dad agreed.
The next night his son came out of the basement and gave his Dad a vial.
The father was told to drink it.
The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him.
They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.
The son looked at Dad and said, "I only asked for a convertible!"
Dad replied, "Your convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."
tica...
xox
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You applied your wet mouth to me...
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27/06/2008 |
I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me
crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...
....you f...ing mosquito.
Now what was your dirty mind thinking?  Gotcha!
tica...
xox
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Little Johnny defines Fascinate
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26/06/2008 |
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"
tica...
xox
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Don't swing at the large Pussy-Willow Patch
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26/06/2008 |
Two men were playing golf one day. The first man puts his ball on the green. The second man hits his ball into the woods. When he finds his ball it is lying in a patch of buttercup flowers. With his iron he is swinging away trying to clear a space around his ball. All of a sudden, there is a crash of thunder and a bolt of lightning and Mother Nature appears. The man is astounded as Mother Nature screams at him. " I have been trying for hundreds of years to make the perfect buttercup and you come along and practically destroy all my work. For this, you may never have butter again, no butter in your ice cream, no butter for your toast, no butter for anything, you will never have butter again." With a giant puff of smoke, she disappears. The man is stunned but continues to play golf. On the next hole his buddy hits a ball into the woods. Both go to look for it and when they find it, it is lying in a large pussy-willow patch. "For God sake!" yells the man, "Don't swing at them!"
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three little ducks
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26/06/2008 |
> Three little ducks go into a Bar...... 'Say, what's your name ?' the
> bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your
> day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
> puddles All day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh.
> That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi,
> and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number
> two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked. 'Great. Lovely
> day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
> What else could a duck want?' The bartender turned to the third duck
> and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
>
> 'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.. 'My name is Puddles.'  |
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ski lodge
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25/06/2008 |
Three guys go to a ski lodge for a vacation. However when they get there the rooms are booked up except one. So the guys take the room and bed down for the night. The next morning over breakfast the 1st guy says "I had this really sexy dream last night where this sexy woman was giving me the best blowjob I have ever had."
2nd guy says "thats funny cause i dreamt a gorgeous woman was wanking me off."
3rd guy says "I don't know about you guys but my dream was great. I dreamt i was ski-ing and i can still feel the snow on my face!"  |
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Little David…. “I want it Now!”
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25/06/2008 |
Little David was the recipient of a holster and a pair of toy six shooters on his birthday. He went to show off his new toys, in full cowboy regalia.
He went to the local ice cream stand, drew his pistols and exclaimed "I want a sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked him "What flavor?"
Little David replied, as he waved his guns "I want a chocolate sundae, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want whipped cream on it?"
Little David said "I want whipped cream on it, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want a cherry on it?"
Little David said "I want a cherry on it, and I want it NOW!"
The waitress asked, " Do you want your nuts crushed or chopped?"
Little David replied, "Do you want your tits shot off?"
tica...
xox |
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In the Sack with the Housemaid
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25/06/2008 |
A footwear salesman, staying at a hotel, took a fancy to the housemaid. He offered her $25 for an hour in his room, but she replied that she wasn't a girl like that. She said that when she did it, it was just for love.
Now he'd put her off and she couldn't get passionate if she wanted to. The salesman happened to mention that he was selling shoes and had an extremely good sample pair. The girl gave in, and took the salesman upstairs where she stripped completely and lay back on the bed.
The rep got going and was surprised and delighted to find the girl very responsive. First she wrapped her right arm around him, then her left leg, then her left arm and then her right leg. Of course her enthusiasm must have been due to his skill as a lover.
"I thought you said you couldn't get worked up." said the rep rather smugly.
"I'm not, I'm just trying on the shoes."
tica...
xox |
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"Gimme some Gin"
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24/06/2008 |
An inebriated gentleman staggers into a liquor store at one AM and bellies up to the counter and says "Gimme some gin."
The clerk is not about to sell liquor to a drunk but thinks he will have fun with him. He says "Well we got three kinds of gin. We have oxy-gin, nitro-gin, and hydro-gin."
The drunk fixes the clerk with a steely glare and stomps out of the store. The clerk is still chuckling a few minutes later when in comes the drunk again.
The drunk staggers up to the counter and says "Gimme some turd."
"What are you talking about." queries the clerk.
The inebriate responds "There are three kinds of turd, mus-turd, cus-turd, and you, you simple shit."
tica...
xox |
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A Beautiful Hollywood Contestant
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24/06/2008 |
A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance. The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?" She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he
only paid me one hundred dollars!"
tica...
xox |
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Reloading
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23/06/2008 |
There were two men working on the roads by the name of John and Harry, they were in a very rural area.
John had to take a crap..Harry said, no one is around go ahead and go behind a tree, I will watch out for you. Well..when John squatted he was right over a bee's nest and one stung him right on the end of his penis. He was screaming in pain.
They continued working and John just could not stand the pain. Harry said I saw a farmhouse down the road and I have heard buttermilk is good for a bee sting. Let's see if we can buy some.
They knocked on the door and a very elderly woman answered. Harry said ma'am I was wondering if we could trouble you for some buttermilk. We will gladly pay for it. The elderly woman said of course..your the men working on the road. I will give you a quart.
She got the buttermilk and returned..John could not wait another minute, he jerked his penis out and stuck in down in the buttermilk.
The elderly woman said, Well I'll be damned I am 85 years old and that is the first time I have ever seen one of those things reloading!  |
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My Dad has two Penises
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22/06/2008 |
Little Eddie is walking down the hall at school talking to his friends. Suddenly, the topic of conversation turns to dicks.
"My dad has two penises." Eddie tells his buddies.
"Man, you're full of shit. You can't have two penises. That's impossible," replies Eddie's friend John.
"No, really... it's true. He has a little one that he uses to go to the bathroom, and he has a big one that he uses to brush the baby sitter's teeth.
tica...
xox
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Tampax vs Thumbtacks
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21/06/2008 |
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER? 
tica...
xox |
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Mr. Little goes to a Nudist Camp
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20/06/2008 |
Upon finally getting up courage and visiting a nudist camp, Mr. Little was pleased to discover that the first day was the hardest.
tica...
xox |
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<System Obsessed Wife Error>
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19/06/2008 |
Husband: Hi dear. I'm logged in
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or file name
Wife: But I told you in the morning ?
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, retry, cancel?
Wife: What about my new TV ?
Husband: Variable not found
Wife: At least, give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping
Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you
Husband: Data type mismatch
Wife: You are useless
Husband: By default
Wife: What about your salary ?
Husband: File in use. Try after some time
Wife: Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CTRL + DEL to reboot
Wife: Are you going to have some snacks ?
Husband: File system full
Wife: What is the relation between you and your receptionist ?
Husband: only user with WRITE permission
Wife: What is my value in this family ?
Husband: Unknown virus
Wife: Do you love me or your computer or you're being just funny ?
Husband: Too many parameters!
Wife: I will go to my dad's house.
Husband: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated
Wife: I'll leave you forever
Husband: Close all programs and logout and then login as another user
Wife: It's worthless talking to you
Husband: Shutdown the computer
Wife: I'm going
Husband: It's now safe to turn off your computer
tica...
xox |
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Leave out the bit when lightening strikes the shithouse
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18/06/2008 |
An embarrassed young woman was farting uncontrollably when her date was due to arrive.
She was an accomplished pianist so to drown the noise she offered the play the Storm Scene from the William Tell Overture.
She had concluded the piece when she felt another fart attack on its way and quickly asked him if he would like another tune on the piano.
"Well if it is that storm scene again," he said, "can you leave out the bit where the lightning strikes the shithouse?
tica...
xox
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A Girls First Time
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18/06/2008 |
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
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Cars and Men
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16/06/2008 |
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.'Hello. My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name', he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' she asked. 'B. J. Titsenbeer', he said.
tica...
xox
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remembering the first time....
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14/06/2008 |
Old Timer Sex .....
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' |
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Parrot Joke
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14/06/2008 |
There was a young man waiting at a bus stop...finally the bus came and the young man got on. He was dressed like so many young people today...his hair was cut in a Mohawk,it was different colors red, purple, yellow, and he had feather earrings.
There was a elderly gentleman that kept staring at him. The boy was getting very irritated at this, finally he looked around and said rather loudly. "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild when you were young?"
The old man calmly looked at him and said, "Yea, I once screwed a parrot and I thought maybe you were my kid."
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The Wheelbarrow Position!
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13/06/2008 |
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.
"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."
tica...
xox
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Fartin' On The Bus!
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12/06/2008 |
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves"
tica...
xox
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What was it a Cucumber
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12/06/2008 |
A man was showing his friend his new speedo bathing suit. His friend said if you want to be a big hit with the girls at the beach just put a cucumber down in your new speedo.
A week later the man ran into his friend on the beach. The man said this cucumber thing is not working, everyone is laughing at me. His friend look down at his speedo and looked back up with disbelief.*
He said, you dumb ass you were supposed to put in the front.  
tica...
xox |
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Princess and the Frog
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11/06/2008 |
A princess is walking along when she looks down and sees an ugly frog. She picks it up and says, "My, but you're a really ugly frog." The frog says, "I know, I know. I got a really bad spell put on me." The princess says, "I have seen frogs with spells, but none of them were as ugly as you." The frog says, "Leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell." She says, "If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince" The frog says, "I don't know, lady. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
tica...
xox |
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T-G-I-F VS S-H-I-T
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11/06/2008 |
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
She looked puzzled and repeated,
'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
The man smiled back to her and once again said, 'S-H-I-T.'
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, it's Thursday'
tica...
xox
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Such a lovely dinner we're having... Dear
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10/06/2008 |
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
tica...
xox
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Another little dirty Little Johnny Joke
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07/06/2008 |
Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with his dad. He had a smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he sighed.
'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.
'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Suzy started out giving me the best blow job I've ever had.'
'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it is just lust.'
The next night Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down again to talk with his dad. 'For sure it is true love, dad.' he said.
'What makes you think that it is true love this time?' asks his dad.
'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Suzy gave me the best blow job of my life, then let me take her up the ass!'
'That's not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just infatuation.'
'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true love?' asked Little Johnny, confused.
'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was true love, she would let you fuck her up the ass first, then give you the best blow job of your life!' (I'm a baddd girl today, lol!)
tica...
xox
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Oh My....Nuns and Hot Dogs
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07/06/2008 |
Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vendor selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs
before," and they decided to order a couple.
The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"
"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.
"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"
tica...
xox |
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