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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for July, 2008
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puck you........
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28/07/2008 |
Why do canadian couples like to make love doggy style? That way, they both can watch hockey!!  |
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His Magical Love Potion
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25/07/2008 |
John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the clitoris, a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."
"Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let me look at the directions for use."
John hands over the bottle and Jill says, "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'" 
xox
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Items on a Strip Club Menu
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21/07/2008 |
G-String Beans
Lap Dance Pudding
Naughty, Spanked Lobster
Fellatio Alfredo
New England Man-Chowder (made fresh daily in the VIP room)
Silicon-Stuffed Breast of Chicken
Banana Cream Pies
Shish-K-Y-Bobs
Jiggly Puff-Pastries
$50 Nachos
Cameltoe Soup
Crabs Etouffee
Poached Salmon with a Lemon-Dildo Sauce
Hush Pussies
Short 'n' Curly Fries
CoozeCooze
xox |
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Ooops!!
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21/07/2008 |
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible pair of tits. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh." He's really embarrassed...The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
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things to think about...
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20/07/2008 |
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'? 
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
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and then the fight started
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12/07/2008 |
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....
and then the fight started.... |
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Man's excellent adventure with the Hospital Nurses
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12/07/2008 |
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience.
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.
Friend: How so?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse…
xox
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"Help Me!" shouts the naked Woman.
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11/07/2008 |
Ole, the medical assistant
A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am goin' huntin'
tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you
to take care of the clinic and take care of all my
patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day
and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The
first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the
third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and
a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself,
taking off everything including her bra and her panties
and lies down on the table and shouts, 'HELP ME - I
haven't seen a man in over two years!!' "
"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the
doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
xox
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Posted by: |
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Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill
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09/07/2008 |
The Cadbury's Candy Co. And Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
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'Pre-dick-a-mints!'
xox |
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the moped and the ferrari
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09/07/2008 |
The Moped
>>
>> An elderly man on a Moped,
>> looking about 100 years old,
>> pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
>>
>> The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of
>> car ya got there, sonny?"
>>
>> The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO.
>> It cost half a million dollars!"
>>
>> "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
>>
>> "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor
>> proudly.
>>
>> The Moped driver a sk s, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
>>
>> "No problem," replies the doctor.
>>
>> So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
>> Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
>> nice car, all right...
>> But I'll stick with my Moped!"
>>
>> Just then the light changes,
>> so the doctor decides to show
>> the old man just what his car can do.
>> He floors it, and within 30 seconds
>> the speedometer reads 160 mph.
>>
>> Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
>> getting closer!
>>
>> He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH!
>> Something whips by him going much faster!
>>
>> "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor
>> asks himself.
>>
>> He presses harder on the accelerator
>> and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
>>
>> Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
>>
>> Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas.
>> He 's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
>> old man gaining on him AGAIN!
>>
>> Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
>> takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
>>
>> Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
>> bearing down on him again !
>> The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
>> Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
>> the rear end.
>>
>> The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is
>> still alive.
>>
>> He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is
>> there anything I can do for you?"
>>
>> The old man whispers,
>> "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
>> |
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the blonde and the dummy
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09/07/2008 |
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
> a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
> going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
>
> Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
> starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
> you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
> person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and
> from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind
> continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
> general...and all in the name of humor!'
>
> The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
> yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on
> your knee. |
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Cold X-Rated Movie
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08/07/2008 |
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
tica...
xox
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Oh My.... Pinocchio and Raggedy Anne!
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02/07/2008 |
Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
Because.... she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"
tica...
xox |
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I'm a Dentist, not a Gynecologist!
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01/07/2008 |
A lady walks in a dentist's office, pulled her panties
down, lifted up her skirt and spread her legs wide open.
Shocked, the dentist says, "Ma'am, the Gynecologist's
office is upstairs! I'm a dentist."
She replied, "Well, You are the one who made my husband's dentures last month, and YOU HAVE to take them out now!"
tica...
xox |
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