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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for August, 2008
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The Pharmacist
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29/08/2008 |
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, 'It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.'
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.'
'When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.'
He continued, 'Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.'
'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.' |
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Politicians
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28/08/2008 |
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Arecent study revealed that 75% of all poiticians have hemorroids. The other 25% are perfect assholes. |
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Older couple in bed
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28/08/2008 |
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An older couple had gotten into bed one evening but hadnt fallen asleep yet. The husband asked, "Whatever happened to our sex relations?" The wife thinks for a bit and replies "I dont know. I dont think we got a Christmas card from them last year". |
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Greatest feeling
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28/08/2008 |
They say there is no greater feeling than representing your country at the Olympics.
Surely having Angela Jolie sitting on your cock while you are licking chocolate off Jessica Alba’s tits would take some beating ?? |
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Breasts or thighs
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28/08/2008 |
Last night a complete stranger asked me if I liked breasts or thighs ?
I told him that I preferred a hot, wet, pussy.
Apparently that wasn’t an option with the KFC Bargain Bucket. |
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Logic
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28/08/2008 |
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have e a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife , then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?' Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.' |
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A Mother's Dictionary
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25/08/2008 |
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
PANIC: What a mother goes through when that darn wind-up swing stops.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a Mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped, performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
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Sleepless nights....
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25/08/2008 |
Another oldie but goodie...
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."
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How Not To Commit A Bank Robbery...
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25/08/2008 |
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
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Man Translation...
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25/08/2008 |
Some y'all have probably already heard... but bear repeating.
"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
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Rekindling The Romance...
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25/08/2008 |
After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded:
"I found the remote."
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Cute
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25/08/2008 |
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
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Catholic Shampoo...
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25/08/2008 |
Shopping in a local grocery store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have a beer, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had an obviously surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'
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Horror movie safety tips
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25/08/2008 |
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short-circuits; just get out.
8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
11. If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Sunnydale, Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, and Nilbog, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
14. As a general rule for all movies, beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased friends.
15. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
16. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
17. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
18. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT!
19. If you find an unmarked video tape, DVD or computer game DO NOT PLAY IT, bad things are bound to happen
20. If you are walking through the forest and find a large, squishy egg shaped object, DO NOT TOUCH IT, it will almost certainly contain the larva stage of some hideous alien invader that will kill you, mutate your body or take control of your mind (or any combination of the three).
21. Always listen to the Geek, smart kid, dying scientist or old psycho hermit wizard. These people usually know everything to do with whatever is following you, trying to kill you or trying to open the Gates of Hell.
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Nair that Hair
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23/08/2008 |
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer!'
The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week!' 
 ... xox
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Head or No Head?
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23/08/2008 |
A few of the guys were sitting at a table in the pub, watching the Notre Dame game Saturday.
We had ordered a round of draft beers and after they were brought to the table, one of the guys, a visiting German Lufthansa pilot, took his back to the bar.
After telling the female bartender why he wasn't happy with his beer, to our amazement she hauled off and slapped him in the face.
When returned to the table, somewhat stunned, I asked what happened and why she slapped him.
His puzzled reply was, "Hell I don't know, all I did was ask her for some head."
... xox
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Psycho test
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22/08/2008 |
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down for the result:
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there and then but, being ladylike, didn't ask him for his number and no matter how hard she tried she could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer.
(Scroll Down)
(Scroll Down)
Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email address book.
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"True Friendship"
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22/08/2008 |
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself.
To My Friend,
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, I'll know you finally got a shag.
When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to shut up.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, you thick idiot.
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want to catch it.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at you - clumsy twat!
This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!
If you wish to, send this poem to five friends or else you will get depressed because you realise you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.
P.S. A friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you move a body.
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Laws of the Universe, Part One...
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22/08/2008 |
Laws of the Universe, Part One...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. |
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Sex Frogs for Sale
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21/08/2008 |
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! '
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!' 
... xox
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Little Johnny's polite way to pee
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20/08/2008 |
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.
... xox
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Little Johnny's in trouble Again
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20/08/2008 |
My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father.
"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly."
"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."
... xox
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Little Joani's first Job
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19/08/2008 |
So Joani and her parents move into their new home which just happens to be next to a huge new construction site and as the days went by Joani captured the hearts of many of the site's workers. And they sent her on little errands fetching this n that and giving her little chores like delivering messages to the foremen etc etc
And at the end of the week on pay day they also gave Joani an envelope with $10 pay inside for her week's work
So her mother suggested she deposit it in a new account in the bank and the next day she and her mama went to the bank and upon hearing the story of how Joani had earned this pay the bank clerk smiled and asked her if she would be working at the construction site again next week?
And little Joani replied "Well, that depends on if those assholes down at Home Depot and whether they deliver the fuckin sheet rock on time Monday morning!"  |
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Ole and Lena (a swedish joke)
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19/08/2008 |
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Ole was hurrying around in search of a clean shirt for work.when he failed to find one,he yelled at Lena,"where da hell is my clean shirt?did you forget to take it out of da dryer?" Lena says "no, da damn dryer aint workin,why dont you fix it Ole?" he responds with,"who da hell do i look like,Mr Maytag?"later as he is eating a quick breakfast,he noticed he could hardly see his food."Lena,he yelled,what da hells da matter wit the lights?" she responds"dey aint workin,why da hell dont you fix em Ole?"as he walked out the door his parting shot was "who da hell do i look like,Thomas Edison?" after work Ole walks into a brightly lit kitchen and he can hear the dryer running. "Lena,he asks who da hell fixed da lights and da dryer?" "well she says,dere was a handy man here, and you wasnt gonna fix anyting,so i had him do it." "how da hell did you pay dis guy,Ole asked, Lena says" well he wanted either sex or cake,and.................................................... ............................................................ ............................................................ ............................................................ who da hell do i look like,BETTY CROCKER?" |
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Cold Water
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19/08/2008 |
Cold Water
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!" |
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Another Little Johnny Joke
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17/08/2008 |
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
... xox
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The Message
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17/08/2008 |
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home! |
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"Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
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17/08/2008 |
A professor at University of Montana was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
... xox
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BRAVE MEN JOKES
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17/08/2008 |
Date: 8Subject: Brave man jokes
BRAVE MAN JOKES
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
Then slaps his wife on the ass and says: 'You're next, fatty.'
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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
; Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to London .. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.
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A wo man was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 gallons of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 gallons of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 1 lb jar of coffee, a pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier..
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'
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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. |
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rertarded grandparents
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17/08/2008 |
This is priceless! RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child
wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa They used to live in a big brick house but
Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to
look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are
anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all! okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and
down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it . He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out! They go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ------early birds. Some of the
people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked
center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can
be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let
people out so they can visit their grandchildren. |
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