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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for September, 2008
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old fart....
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29/09/2008 |
A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart." |
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Jenny taught erotic correction
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29/09/2008 |
Jenny taught erotic correction,
Told her student "To get an erection,
Put your dick in my mouth,
Move it north, move it south,
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"
Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny,
With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."
"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
And laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."
"Now that your fingers are stinky,
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky...
Bring in some goats and a sheik,
Give my big titties a tweak,
And now, we can start getting kinky!"
"Forget what the chain and the whip meant,
Get the straps and the slings and a shipment
Of high-grade Vaseline,
And a strong trampoline,
And all of that other equipment!"
"Now, when we get the bedsprings a strummin',
That's when I'll start in a hummin',
Then quickly, my dear,
Put it into my ear,
So I can hear the sound of it comin'!"
"I don't know how much this is costing,"
Said her student, still covered with frosting,
"But I can say with affinity,
That I've lost my virginity...
Quite frankly, my dear... you're exhausting!" 
 xox |
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Home Shopping...
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29/09/2008 |
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
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20 bucks
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29/09/2008 |
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters.
He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him.
The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.
Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring, he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20... But, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.
The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.
She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says,
"Clean my house."
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Please pass the Vagina
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27/09/2008 |
A nervous bride gets angry at her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night.
"I demand proper manners in bed", she says, "just like at the table!"
"O.K.," her husband says. So he climbs into bed slowly and smiles politely.
"Is this better?" he asks.
"Yes", replies his wife.
"Great", he says. "Now, would you please pass the vagina?"
xox |
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Announcement
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27/09/2008 |
DUE TO RECENT BUDGET CUTS, AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL, THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.
WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
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Investment tops
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27/09/2008 |
For you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang |
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can't be held accountable..
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26/09/2008 |
when i have a bar-b-que i like grilling bratwursts with sauerkraut, with baked beans, and cheesey broccoli,for my sides, combined with the beer that will of course be consumed?
i WON'T be held responsible for ANY GAS LEAKS......   |
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The Top 10 Types of Computer Sh_t
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26/09/2008 |
1. Apple: We made sh_t look better, circa 1984.
2. Microsoft: We sh_t on Apple, circa 1990..
3. H-P: We turned sh_t into many colors.
4. Compaq: We made sh_t portable, circa 1982.
5. Dell: We make sh_t available via FedEX.
6. Gateway: We put sh_t together in South Dakota.
7. Sony: We were constipated until 1996.
8. Cray: We make sh_t fly real fast.
9. IBM: We still think we are hot sh_t.
10. Intel: We help you sh_t faster.
xox
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Good Dentist
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26/09/2008 |
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
xox |
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Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
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26/09/2008 |
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down narrow aisles.
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
* Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come Robin--to the Bat cave!"
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
xox |
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Jokes to offend everyone
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26/09/2008 |
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
* Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
* The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
* The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
* Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
* Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
* Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
* A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
* Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
* 10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
* 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
*Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
*They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
* Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
* After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
*The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
* Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
* A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
*'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
* Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
* Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
* Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
*A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
*They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
* A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
* Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
*A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' - A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...!"
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Little Johnnie-Beautiful
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25/09/2008 |
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The teacher asked the class if any of them could come up with a sentence which contained the word "beautiful". Suzie volunteered "I saw a beautiful flower", Jim contributed " the suset was beautiful, last night". Little Johnnie told the class "My sister came home last night and told the folks she was pregnant. My dad said "That's beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!" |
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SEARS catalog, the idiots guide to home shopping
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25/09/2008 |
Home Shopping...
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!' |
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Fannie Green
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25/09/2008 |
A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest, 'Father, it has been one month since my last confession: I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys'.'
Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession: I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Marys'.'
The next morning at mass, the Priest is preparing to deliver his homily when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny
emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes.'
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Poetry Contest
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25/09/2008 |
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists; A Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels,
two by two
Destination -
Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three,
and we was two
So I bucked one, and
Timbuktu
The redneck won hands down.
*No pun intended.
xox |
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"What a mouthful, Little Johnny!"
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25/09/2008 |
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
xox |
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The old cowboy
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23/09/2008 |
An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian |
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Letter to redneck son
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23/09/2008 |
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
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Martha Stewart Vs. Real Woman
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22/09/2008 |
MARTHA STEWART
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up.
REAL WOMEN
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
MARTHA STEWART
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
MARTHA STEWART
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
MARTHA STEWART
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
MARTHA STEWART
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
MARTHA STEWART
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMEN
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
MARTHA STEWART
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
And finally the most important tip -
MARTHA STEWART
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN
Leftover wine??
xox |
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Husband Prank
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22/09/2008 |
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
xox |
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Stop That
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22/09/2008 |
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
xox |
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Under The Table
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22/09/2008 |
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
xox
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It’s important to have a woman
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22/09/2008 |
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other. ( )
xox |
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Doggie Position
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21/09/2008 |
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead…
xox
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If I can, if I can, if I can
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20/09/2008 |
A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names
First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.
My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan ,
If I can, If I can, If I can.
"Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.
My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can.
"That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."
Next up was Lil' Johnny. He was the naughty one in the class . Here is his rhyme:
My name is Johnny,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan ,
I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can.
xox |
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Why chocolate is better than sex
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19/09/2008 |
You can give it to children without getting arrested
You can post pictures of you having chocolate on your Myspace
No neighbor will be disturbed by the sound you having magnificent chocolate.
You won't get slapped in the face for asking a stranger for chocolate
You can have it with your boss, and you won't necessarily be labeled nasty names.
If you want it and nobody's willing to give it to you, chances are WalMart will sell it for a dollar
You can talk about it where ever and whenever you want.
Your tongue will never turn blue for not being able to have chocolate !
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You live in?
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19/09/2008 |
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
(No pun intended.)
xox
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Old Men advice
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19/09/2008 |
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
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