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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for November, 2008
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Frequent Flyers...
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26/11/2008 |
Frequent Flyers...
On a busy Friday afternoon, while the passengers are patiently waiting for their flight to begin, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke but none is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
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Oh it's bad out there!
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20/11/2008 |
Things aren't too good for Santa this xmas. He's gotta cut back to one 'ho!!  |
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DNA tests...
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18/11/2008 |
apparently, there's a clip from the Jerry Springer show floating around the world wide web...in which a man and woman are airing their "dirty laundry"....the woman keeps insisting that the man needs to take a DNA test...the man can't understand why, until he finally asks her if she even knew what DNA stands for...he figured it out, after she replied..D n A...DRUGS n ALCOHOL....  |
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old riddle
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13/11/2008 |
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if a boxer wears boxer shorts and a jockey wears jockey shorts,what do they call a guy that wears no underwear ??.......................................................... ............................................................ ............................................................ ............................................................ ............................................................ ............................................................ ............................................ a swinger !!!!!!!!sorry folks,just had to do it......lol |
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Gum Ball
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10/11/2008 |
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So the other day my wife and I decided to step back in time and try those candy machine gum balls. We both bought one and popped them into our mouths. Unfortunately my wife got hers stuck in her throat. She could still breathe but with some difficulty. We decided to go to the emergency room. The doctor came in about 15 minutes later and analized the situation. He then told my wife to get undressed, go over to the corner and stand on her head. He said he would be back in a minute and then left. Well, my wife and I looked at each other weird then she got undressed. She went to the corner, stood on her head and waited. The doctor came in, put a quarter in the slot and out popped the gum ball. |
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Prince Charming
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09/11/2008 |
Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he's so glum.
"You wouldn't believe it," he replies. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest, when suddenly I approached Snow White fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her tells me that she ate a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips.
"I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give her a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods when suddenly, she screams out, 'Ah, Yes, YES'!"
"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replies. "Then she's alive!"
Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, "Nah. She faked it."
xox 
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The Dentists Office
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08/11/2008 |
There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.
First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."
But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."
The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."
However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."
So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."
After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.
The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"
The dentist said, "Viagra."
The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"
The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."
xox |
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Old Gunslinger
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08/11/2008 |
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
xox |
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The Traveller
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08/11/2008 |
The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
xox |
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tooth pic joke,spread tho's legs baby
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08/11/2008 |
i got a good one, get a tooth pic, break in half so it does break apart, only inhalf in tacked still together, tell a joke like this, doctor ,doctor, my wife wont spread her legs open, she's not horny, what should i do, doctor reply's ,well do you ever eat that pussy, man reply's no, well eat it and it will open up, so the ,man go's home, eats his wiffy's pussy, and boy does she open up.
tell joke kinda like that, i say three thing's like i try doing other thing's, go to doctor and ask a nother way, then at third time doc says try eating pussy,
thats when you lick the tooth pic on the split end, hold tooth pic together, then set on table and watch tooth pic open up like a horny wife would, it works all the time.
remember ,only break tooth pic in half where it doesn't split apart, it needs to stay in half, i also break the very end of both ends to where it looks like the feet is holding up,
please let me know how it works and get back to me and let me know, trust me its funny ass hell |
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An actual headstone that reads......
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07/11/2008 |
Two things I love most, good horses and beautiful women, and when I die, I hope they tan this old hide of mine and make it into a ladies riding saddle, so I can rest in peace between the two things I love most.
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BREAKING NEWS
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07/11/2008 |
BREAKING NEWS
In 2009 the government will start deporting All of the weird old people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run, my friend, RUN !!!!
 
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A Women's Poem
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07/11/2008 |
There are times when men should just lighten up and let the women we know enjoy a nice quiet poem such as this one.
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out
of him...Like his mother used to do.
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Only A Mom Would Know
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07/11/2008 |
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... ) 'Did
it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Now, that had to put a smile on your face !!!!! 
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Oh My... Billy!
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06/11/2008 |
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
The teacher passed out..
xox  |
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Doctors' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package
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06/11/2008 |
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a-holes in Washington.
xox |
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liar, liar...
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05/11/2008 |
Expectations...
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your drivers license?
Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?
Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: Its mine, officer. Here's the owner card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. |
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city man meets country girl
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05/11/2008 |
there a city man going threw a country, his car brakes down, he go's to a farmers house before it gets dark, meets the farmer, the farmer tells him since its about to get dark, he could spend a night in the farm barn, so the city man gets his stuff out of car and sets up in the barn, his notices the farmers daughter, she was hot, really hot, they end up spending the night together, it was a goooood exsperience for the both of them.
In the morning, the city man go's up to the farmer, the farmer was feeding the chickens etc, the city man ask's the farmer, what do i got to do to marry your daughter, the farmer says, well i tell you what, you gotta swim the lake, jump the fence, and fuck the cow, the city man says that's it, ok, so he swims the lake ,jumps the fence, and fucks the cow, he go's to the farmer and says, how what that farmer, the farmer replys, i'm sorry i didn't pay attention, so the city man run's to the lake, swims, jumps the fence, and fucks the cow, he go's to the farmer and quotes, how was that, the farmer replys, i'm sorry, i was feeding the pigs.
dam says the city man, ok, please this time pay attention farmer, so he go's swims the lake, jumps the fence, and FUCKS the COW.he go to the farmer, the farmers says , ok now you can marry my dauter, the city guy replys, FUCK YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH FOR THE COW |
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Shopping for shoes
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05/11/2008 |
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A woman with a streak of exhibitionism put on her shortest miniskirt and no underpants, and went shopping for shoes at the mall. At the first five shoe stores she was helped by various sales persons, teenagers, men, women, all of whom couldnt help but noticing, tried to ignore it, and were visibly embarassed, much to the woman's satisfaction. At the sixth store, the middleaged salesman, after helping her try on seven pairs of shoes, calmly announced, "Lady, I could eat that full of ice cream". The woman, surprised and a bit shocked at this response, huffily left the store, went home, told her husband, and insisted that he immediately go punch the shoe salesman in the nose. The husband refused, saying, "First of all, you've got too many shoes now, secondly, you should expect that kind of response when you're dressed that way, third, any man who could eat that much ice cream could probably tear me apart." |
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three groaners...
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04/11/2008 |
Three Groaners...
A French fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, could I get a beer please?" The bartender looks at him shaking his head and say, "No, we don't serve food here."
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alfa Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. |
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i don't wanna work
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04/11/2008 |
I Don't Wanna Work...
1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! |
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The Party
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03/11/2008 |
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
(no pun intended)
xox |
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Mrs Jones
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03/11/2008 |
Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.
The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"
xox
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Two Tattoos
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02/11/2008 |
A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned.
In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.
Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him.
That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh.
She asked, "What in the world is so funny?"
He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now."
xox |
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Tattoo Parlour ;)
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02/11/2008 |
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis. The owner agreed, and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great, and he paid for the service.
That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his newly acquired tattoo.
He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"
His wife became upset. She said...
"You tell me how to cook..."
"You tell me how to clean the house..."
"You tell me how to do the laundry..."
"And now you are going to put words in my mouth!" 
xox |
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