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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for December, 2008
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------and then the fight started
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31/12/2008 |
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And th en the fight started ...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started ...
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive ...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started ...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started ...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started ...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then t he fight started ...
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started ...
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started ...
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started ...
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started ...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husba nd is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started ...
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started ...
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Posted by: |
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You have to do with what you have
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31/12/2008 |
The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Posted by: |
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it's a cracker..!
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29/12/2008 |
This joke was inside our xmas day adult crackers.. made us laugh..
"How do you make a married women's cunt wet?....
tell him to take a shower!"  |
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Posted by: |
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great choices for a pick-up line...
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27/12/2008 |
Thank you for purchasing 'Bubba & Dr. Black's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines' brought to you by Bubba & Dr. Black, straight outta the hills. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up |
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Posted by: |
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it's time for all the goodies!!!
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22/12/2008 |
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!! |
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Posted by: |
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this is so true...all minnesotans will attest to it....
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19/12/2008 |
BLESSED MINNESOTA
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:
'Today, I am going to create a land called Minnesota.
It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of 10,000 beautiful lakes full of fish.
It shall have tall trees, flowing rivers, landscapes full of flowers, tall grass, beautiful blue skies,
majestic eagles, forests full of many kinds of wildlife, rich farmland and wonderful people.'
God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper
and they shall be known as friendly people who practice being 'Minnesota Nice' every day.'
But Lord,' asked Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Minnesotans?'
'Not really,' replied God 'just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.' |
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Posted by: |
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catholics
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17/12/2008 |
what does a catholic girl use as protection during sex?-a bus shelter!!....what do you call a 30 year old catholic woman?-granny!!.....boom boom....  |
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Posted by: |
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this christmas
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15/12/2008 |
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this christmas try and say those 5 special words to your loved one atleast once a day......"im off down the pub"..... |
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Posted by: |
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satisfy who??
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15/12/2008 |
a bloke chats up this stunning woman in a bar,they get a taxi home and walk straight to his bedroom.he walks in to bathroom and tells her to relax.she duelly does and strips an lays suggestively on the bed.he walks out of the bathroom,naked,cock pointing north.she looks him up and down in disgust and says "who the fuck do you think your going to be able to satisfy with that?"......the bloke smiles,winks at her and says "ME"!!! moral of the story...for you ladies....you make sure you get yours...cos its always guna feel good for the man....  |
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Posted by: |
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SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
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14/12/2008 |
-- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957
- Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007
- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to
jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957
- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957
- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Posted by: |
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inner peace??
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14/12/2008 |
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and
> we could
> all use a little more calmness in our lives.
>
>
> **By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show,
> you too can
> find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to
> achieve inner peace
> is to finish all the things you have started and have never
> finished.'**
>
> So, I looked around my house to see all the things I
> started and
> hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this
> morning, I finished
> off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
> Irish Cream, a
> package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
> prescription, the
> rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of
> chocolates.
>
> You have no idea how good I feel right now. |
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Posted by: |
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ice fishing
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11/12/2008 |
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary
tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make
a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice
boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and
tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
" IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
" NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"
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Posted by: |
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$50 bucks is $50 bucks, no matter how you look at it...
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11/12/2008 |
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' |
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Posted by: |
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priceless....
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10/12/2008 |
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with
little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your
favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind, you fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies,
"Oh, THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!"
Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:
PRICELESS |
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Posted by: |
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Something to keep you all busy!
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10/12/2008 |
Write on both sides of a piece of paper:
"Instructions on how to keep an idiot busy for hours on the other side." |
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Posted by: |
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Dear Wife....
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10/12/2008 |
DEAR WIFE
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me
or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not
to say anything if you can't say something nice, didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens
for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem. 
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Posted by: |
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Six Truths of Life
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10/12/2008 |
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. I apologize about this. I'm an idiot and I needed company.
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Posted by: |
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Mad Wife Disease
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10/12/2008 |
A guy is sitting quietly reading his newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for"? he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it", she replied.
"Oh that was when I went to the races. Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry", she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation".
Three days later he was watching a ball game when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "what the hell was that for"?
She replied, "your horse called"!  |
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Posted by: |
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Tick tock, tick tock :)
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08/12/2008 |
A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.
Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.
I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this. 
 ... xox |
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Posted by: |
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Seeing Eye Dog????
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06/12/2008 |
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on
the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to
respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send me a blind cop..."
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Posted by: |
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Merry Christmas....
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06/12/2008 |
Subject: Santa
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did
not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa
began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit,
which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped
the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floor-
boards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the
toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple
cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard,
he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden
the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the
end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to
the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel
with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheer-
fully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of
the Christmas tree... |
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Final Exams
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05/12/2008 |
Introductory Chemistry has been taught at Duke for about a zillion years by professor Bonk...he has been around forever. One year these two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms-so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident going into the final, that the weekend before finals week (even though the final was on Monday), they decided to go to U of VA and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final...they told him they went up to UVA for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't fix it for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.
"Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy."
They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said only...
(95 points) Which tire?
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Old, tired dog
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05/12/2008 |
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with eight children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?" |
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Redneck Ettiquette Tips Part 2
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02/12/2008 |
Dating:
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 p.m.; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tire always has the right of way.
3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
4. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
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Redneck Ettiquette Tips
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01/12/2008 |
Going Out:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Entertaining In Your Home:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
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