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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for January, 2009
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Did you know?
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31/01/2009 |
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6 lb.
The average man's "manhood" is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
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Posted by: |
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14 Pints of Guinness
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30/01/2009 |
A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,' he replies.
'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'Get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.
The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
'I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,' he replies.
'What???' screams the barmaid, 'That's it! You're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.'
Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.
'Right. I'll give you one last chance,' says the barmaid. 'Now, what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.'
The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.
'What's up, love?' says the husband.
'There's this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,' she says in a flood of tears.
'What? He's a dead man,' shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
'Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off,' screams the wife.
'Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard,' shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,' she concludes.
When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
'Aren't you going to do something?' shouts the wife in hysterics.
'Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness...'
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Some Marriage Quotes...
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30/01/2009 |
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
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More Minnesota jokes...
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30/01/2009 |
Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota :
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Minnesota.
If you're proud that your state makes the
national news 96 nights
each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Minnes ota.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You m ight live in Minnesota.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
You might live in Minnesota.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota.
If you know how to say....Wayzata...Mahtomedi ... Cloquet
Edina... and Shakopee,
You might live in Minnesota.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
You might live in Minnesota.
If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota.
You measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota.
You know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota.
You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching,
Y ou might live in Minnesota.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota.
You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota.
You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
Yo u might live in Minnesota.
You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows
how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm
at any given time,
You might live in Minnesota.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota.
Driving is better in the wint er because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
and of course, road construction, or 2 seasons, winter & the 4th of July
You might live in Minnesota.
You can identify a
southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Minnesota.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next
to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota.
If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota.
You know "a brat" is something
you eat,
You might live in Minnesota.
You find -10 degrees "a little chilly",
You might
live in Minnesota.
You actually understand these jokes,
You DO live in Minnesota. |
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Wise Old Jewish Man.
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29/01/2009 |
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' brick wall."
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Irish.
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29/01/2009 |
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"
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Why?
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29/01/2009 |
Why do Greek boys refuse to emigrate from Greece? 
They don't want to leave friend's behind.......  |
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beer and hormones???
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25/01/2009 |
Last month, scientists from the University of California, at Berkeley released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of significant female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much
Beer! |
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get the door...it's Domino's
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23/01/2009 |
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
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Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.' |
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happily married???
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20/01/2009 |
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the
15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry
list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length
of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go
fishing."
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some guys never learn...
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13/01/2009 |
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what
would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise
your hand?"
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them herself.
MEN NEVER LEARN |
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ah, sweet revenge.....
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12/01/2009 |
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!'
His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Baby Powder in my Underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not Baby powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!' |
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plasma
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12/01/2009 |
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got a 42inch plasma tv going for sale.£200.00.only problem is volume button doesnt work.at that price you cant turn it down. |
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Rindercella...
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12/01/2009 |
(I'm thinking a lot of you won't find this funny....Lol!!..maybe its a Brit thing.. )
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but
the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang,
and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
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Ventriloquist
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12/01/2009 |
A young ventriloquist was doing a show. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the second row stood on her chair and started shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes,' she screamed. 'What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. It's all because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general – and all in the name of humour.'
The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologise, whereupon the blonde yelled,
'You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap.'
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Penis Poem
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12/01/2009 |
His nookie days are over;
His pilot light is out.
What used to be his sex appeal;
Is now his water spout.
Time was when of its own accord;
From his trousers it would spring.
But now he has a full time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch him shave.
As old age approaches;
It sure gives him the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch him tie his shoes.
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smart ass answers...
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10/01/2009 |
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign tha t read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect |
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the blonde shops at Wal-Mart.....
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08/01/2009 |
The Wal-Mart Cat
A BLONDE was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!
Why WAL-MART???
HELLOOOOOOOOO! ?
WALMART is the largest RETAILER in the world!! |
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How to wash a toilet... thoroughly!
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08/01/2009 |
1. Put both lids of the toilet up And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, And run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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