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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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WWW.ZOIG.COM
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Truth or Dare Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for March, 2009
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Personal Ads...
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30/03/2009 |
What they may really mean. 
WOMEN
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ No Tits
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit.............Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body pierced
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Wants Soul mate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
MEN
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when ordering a beer
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poor Ole...
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28/03/2009 |
Ole goes into a truck stop diner, tells the waitress "yah, bring me some runny scrambled eggs, toast (that's burnt and cold), and a weak, watered down, lukewarm cup of coffee..."
the waitress, with a puzzled look, asks "will there be anything else sir?"
Ole thinks for a minute, and says "Yah, take you're time getting it here, and would yah mind naggin' me a bit, while you're at it?"
the waitress agrees and does as he asks. when the time comes to settle the bill, Ole says "thanks, for a minute der i was feelin' homesick for da wife!"  |
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You know you're...........
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28/03/2009 |
You know you're fat when getting up from a metal chair, you have to fluff it up!!   |
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Lamb
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28/03/2009 |
A man walks into his house, carrying a lamb under his arm. He greets his wife and he says "look at the pig I've been fuckin'". His wife then says "that's a lamb you're carrying". He says to his wife "I wasn't talkin" to you"!!  |
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Two aliens
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27/03/2009 |
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings,Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's naughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.' |
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Letter to Agony Aunt
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15/03/2009 |
Dear Agony Aunt,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says "just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.'
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?
Regards,
Troubled |
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PLUMP
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15/03/2009 |
You all know what B.I.T.C.H. stands for
Beautiful Individual That Causes Hardons
Now add P.L.U.M.P
Pretty Lady Uniquely Made Perfectly
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Nurses aren't suppose to Laugh !
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11/03/2009 |
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost
fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain
her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't
happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there. |
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In The Beginning...
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10/03/2009 |
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested. |
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Guts or Balls?
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05/03/2009 |
A medical distinction - We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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Oh that $20!
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03/03/2009 |
A man is at a bar, downing drink after drink after drink when he gets up from his bar stool, starts to stumble into the mens room. He almost makes it through the door when he vomits all down the front of his shirt. He goes to the sink and starts to wipe the front of his shirt with a hand towel. Realizing that he cant get all the vomit off his shirt, he asks a gentleman standing at a sink "what am I going to tell my wife about my shirt"? The man says "stick a $20 bill in your shirt pocket and when she sees it, tell her a stranger threw up on you and he gave you the $20 bill to have it cleaned".
Armed with this alibi, he makes it all the way home. His wife greets him at the door. She drills him on where he was all evening. He tells her he stopped of for a few drinks. She then notices sees the $20 bill in his shirt pocket and asks him about it. He tells her a stranger threw up on it and gave him the bill to have it cleaned. She also finds another $20 bill sticking out of his pants pocket and asks where that came from. He replied, "oh that came from another man who shit my pants" |
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