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LIVE RATED
Truth or Dare Blog
Cuckold Blog
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for May, 2009
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It ain't easy being a dick
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22/05/2009 |
It ain't easy being a dick.
I've got an head i can't think with.
.........an eye i can't see out of
.........to hang around with two nuts all the time
My closest neighbour is a real asshole
My best friend is a pussy
and everytime i get exited, i throw up |
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Posted by: |
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the washcloth!!!
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22/05/2009 |
The Washcloth
Ladies, this has to be read, laughed at and passed on.
There is not a woman alive who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just
packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around
8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I
didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be
able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas,
wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink,
and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at
least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket,
donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Never going back to that doctor.
Ever.  |
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Posted by: |
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The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise
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03/05/2009 |
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
No matter where I go for work, I always end up working next to a asshole.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina |
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Posted by: |
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viagra
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01/05/2009 |
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Did you ever try viagra? Well being a curious 36 year old man i wondered what this stuff really does. So one day i took one. It got caught in my throat and gave me a stiff neck for three weaks!!!!! |
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Posted by: |
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Different ways of looking at things
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01/05/2009 |
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' (Don't laugh it happened to me) bill
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' |
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