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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for June, 2009
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Why I quit fishing
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30/06/2009 |
My wife always seems upset when I leave to fish, which is every Saturday. Its gotten so the best way to deal with it is just get up early and leave. That way I don't have to listen to it. Well one Saturday is was raining and storming to beat hell. But I was determined and got the boat ready and began to stealthily back out of the garage. Once out side I couldn't see five feet and making the turn seemed impossible. I stopped and turned on the radio. Yep this remnant of a hurricane was going to last all day. For the first time in my life I gave up the idea of fishing, pulled the boat back in the garage and went up stairs. As I crawled into bed and snuggled against my wife I broke my silence and said. "You wouldn't believe how hard its raining right now." She answered, "Yea, can you believe my asshole of a husband went fishing in this."
http://www.webnaughty.com/images/eicons/idono.gif |
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Posted by: |
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Words for Women to Live By
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30/06/2009 |
Saw this on another forum this morning, the poster got it by email, and nothing is known of the original author, sorry.
Some of it is a bit stale, but some of it was pretty darn cute...
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Words for Women to Live By
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
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When will it end?
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30/06/2009 |
Three guys were standing on top of the building that they were working on. They all were the best of friends and talked about everything under the sun. One day, one of the said, "Hey, I bet my dick is bigger than yours." The other two gave him the "Bullshit" look. They exchanged a look and replied, "Your on!" So the first on was up, he unzip his pant and went rolling down the building and stopped halfway. The other two nodded. The next one unzipped and fell all the way down almost hitting an old lady in the head.  The last one, the one who started it all, unzipped and went rolling all the way down and went rolling down the street. Soon, his friends start to laugh.
"What!?"
"Steamroller!!" they said.
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Posted by: |
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The man rules
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23/06/2009 |
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No a re perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem; only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.
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Posted by: |
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cover those keyholes...
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21/06/2009 |
A little girl was walking past her parents room. Hearing strange noises, she peeps in the keyhole, and says to herself, "And this bitch gets mad when I suck my thumb!"  |
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Posted by: |
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...in your ass?!?....
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21/06/2009 |
If you had a rooster, and I had a donkey...and my donkey ate your roosters feet,.....technically, I'd have two feet of your cock in my ass!! MMmmm.....  |
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Posted by: |
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saying,"Hi!"....
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21/06/2009 |
Your walking down a street, and walking towards you are 3 tampons.....a regular, a super, and a super plus. Now out of those 3, which one do you think is the most likeliest to say, "hi", to you?
Give up? Well, actually, none of them would. Because their all STUCK UP BITCHES!!!  |
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don't speak!
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19/06/2009 |
one day, this over-sexed husband gets an idea and says to his wife,"Babe...let me cum in your ear!"
She is shocked, and cries, "No, I'll go deaf!" To which he retorts, "No, you won't.....I've been cumming in your mouth for years, and you haven't shut-up once!!" |
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I've seen that movie,too!!!!
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19/06/2009 |
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One day a woman says to her husband,"make love to me like they do in the movi es!!" So their going at it, and he cums all over her face! She cries, "What the hell was that?" As he begins to turn red, he mutters, "I guess we don't watch the same movies!!" |
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Posted by: |
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viagra
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07/06/2009 |
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I wanted to see how this viagra stuff worked so i took one. It got caught in my throat and i had a stiff neck for three weeks! |
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