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LATEST NAUGHTY JOKES
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NAUGHTY JOKES ARCHIVE
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Naughty Jokes - Dirty naughty jokes archive for August, 2009
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speed zones?
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31/08/2009 |
Q: why can't most women go over 68 mph?
A: when she goes 69, she blows a rod!   |
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Murder at Walmart
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31/08/2009 |
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath she slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ole Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
Oh, quit groaning! You know it's funny!  |
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Posted by: |
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here's two jokes
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31/08/2009 |
1)How can ya tell when a redheaded woman is sexually satisfied?
she unties you!
2)Why is 88 better than 69?
I get 8(ate) twice!
hope you thought they were funny!!! |
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Rude Customers...
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27/08/2009 |
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
Cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line
Of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
Way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
You, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
Able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
Passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
Address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your
Attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the
Terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
Glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck you"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry,
Sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too'.
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Growing Old....
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27/08/2009 |
This is my FAVOURITE of all the lovely "growing old" messages... I know you'll love it, too.
Well, shit...
Now I've forgotten what it is.
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more fitting national symbol
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21/08/2009 |
The government today announced that its changing its national symbol to the CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! Damn it just doesn't get more accurate than that. I guess if the rubber fits,wear it
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Man Stories
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20/08/2009 |
1. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.
2. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."
3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."
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The things kids say !!
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20/08/2009 |
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE (I love this one)
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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Walking the dog
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20/08/2009 |
A couple were walking their dog along the beach, the dog was having a great time running into the sea and fetching the ball that the guy was throwing for it.
After a particularly enthusiastic throw, the couple realise slowly that Rover is swimming toward them but not getting any closer.
Poor Rover is caught in a current and he can't get back. The couple are going frantic as they watch him getting more and more tired.
A crowd of worried onlookers soon gathers, no one is doing anything and Rover's head keeps bobbing dangerously under the water.
The guy has shouted himself hoarse and the woman is in tears by now.
Suddenly, a German tourist starts sprinting down the beach like a tornado on speed. He is flinging clothes aside as he goes and shouting "Out of my vay! Out of my vay!" in a strong commanding voice. The crowd parts to let him through and he dives like an Olympic swimmer straight into the sea.
The German then powers his way through the waves and grabs our hapless hound as the poor mutt was going down for the last time.
Then, dog under one arm, against the current our Germanic hero swims back to the shore and lays Rover down on the beach, the dog is not breathing.
The German is not done yet, he starts CPR on the dog.
After a couple of tense minutes of compressions and blowing air into the dog's nose, Rover leaps up, coughs up a load of seawater and trots back to its elated owners. The crown cheers and the German slumps onto the sand, exhausted.
The woman comes to his side and, still fighting back tears tries to find the words to thank him. "Thank you, thank you, I don't know what to say, how did you know how to do that?
What are you, a Vet?"
"Ya" replies the German, panting "I'm f*cking soaking!" |
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