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After Christmas
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09/01/2008 |
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
~Author Unknown~ |
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More Q & A
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09/01/2008 |
Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle ?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
Q: What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A: A mugger snatches watches
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
A: Having two legs.
Q: What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A: Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum
Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits!
Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q: What do women and prawns have in common?
A: There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself!!
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.
Q: What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?
A: Gee, we really DO taste like chicken.
Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid last night
Q: How can you tell if a witch is horny?
A: Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.
Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings
Q: What's green and gets you pissed?
A: A Giro
Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the sh*t out of the dog.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men?
A: Her feet.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig
Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.
Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert
Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A: They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your mates to see you on either one of them.
Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
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Flight to LA
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09/01/2008 |
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
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When Time Talks...
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09/01/2008 |
Y'all are gonna hate me after this.... 
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
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Posted by: |
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Job Opening
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09/01/2008 |
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can & ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
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Posted by: |
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What the.......
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09/01/2008 |
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?" he asks.
She replies, "I can't see my ass coming into work today."
baddabing!
someone smack me  |
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Posted by: |
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Essex Girls (Specially for HotBubbleGum)
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07/01/2008 |
A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have
you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger".
St. Peter says,"OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Basildon is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies...
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!" |
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Posted by: |
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Totally Useless Facts...
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07/01/2008 |
....For your procastinationing pleasure!
The "pound" key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
The "dot" over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.
Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.
The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy."
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.
Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.
Ham radio operators got the term "ham" coined from the expression "ham fisted operators," a term used to describe early radio users who sent Morse code (i.e., pounded their fist).
The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is "Live Free or Die." These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.
Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.
Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc.
Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc.
Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.
The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.
The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earth's orbit around the sun.
The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikimaungahoron uk- upokaiwhenuakitanatahu--a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "LA.".
Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
According to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, it is possible to go slower than light and faster than light, but it is impossible to go the speed of light. Also, there is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a tackyon beam, it travels before you fire it.
When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped twelve times around because it's the same length as a persons head.
Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.
A cat's jaw cannot move sideways...
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Top Ten Country Songs LOL
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06/01/2008 |
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long. |
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Posted by: |
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Firemen Bells
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06/01/2008 |
> A fireman said his wife, "You know, we have a trrific system at the fire
> station:
> .... BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
> .... BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
> .... BELL 3 rings and we jump on the fire truck ready to go at it."
>
> I'd like to try a similar system here:
> .... When I say BELL 1 - you to strip naked,
> .... When I say BELL 2 - you to jump in bed,
> .... When I say BELL 3 - we make love.
>
> The wife didn't say anything, however, the very next night he came home from
> work,
> had supper and yelled out:
>
> .... "BELL 1" .... and the wife took her clothes off,
> .... then, he yelled "BELL 2" .... and the wife jumped into bed,
> .... when he yelled "BELL 3" .... they began making love.
>
> About two minutes past, the wife yelled: "BELL 4 .... BELL 4 !!!!"
>
> " What the hell is BELL 4 all about" asked the husband?
>
> The wife replied, "Roll out MORE HOSE .... you haven't reached THE FIRE
> yet." |
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Old man on a park bench
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06/01/2008 |
I came accross a 90 yr old man on a park bench , sitting sobbing holdin his head in hands. When I asked what was wrong the Old man responded.
Well you see I am married to a beautiful 25 yr old girl so I responded that's nothing to cry over.
Old man said it's really great, she cooks me a hearty breakfsat each day and we have great sex after.
Then she cooks me a wonderful lunch and again we have great sex.
At dinner time she prepares a lavish meal and we have sex again.
I said then why are you crying, a man couldn't ask for more.
Through sobbing tears the old man responded "I CAN'T FIND MY HOUSE , I FORGOT WHERE I LIVE |
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Are You A Real Man?
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05/01/2008 |
In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter
Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) no concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
Which of the following are you most likely to find Yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You da MAN!"
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Posted by: |
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George Carlins new rules for 2008
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05/01/2008 |
By the way I must be old and cranky I agree with all of these GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass . And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I did n't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
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The Nitty Gritty Dictionary...
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04/01/2008 |
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
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WHY GOD MADE MOMS
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04/01/2008 |
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. |
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sayings.........
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03/01/2008 |
* It's easier to destroy a castle from the inside.
* Children should be seen as they're herded.
* Look before you leak.
* When in doubt, shut your mouth.
* People who live in glass houses don't have a lot of privacy.
* Never run from your problems, walk slowly, because problems can sense fear.
* A penny saved, isn't that much money.
* Fools fall in love in a hurry; it's the divorce that takes so damn long.
* Love thy neighbor, just don't get caught.
* The proof is in the pudding, so always check your dessert for evidence.
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Ten Signs You Had Too Much Fun Last Night...
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03/01/2008 |
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still.
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
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Free Drinks For Everybody!
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03/01/2008 |
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk comes in a says, "Drinks all around, except for you bartender!"
"What, no drink for me?" asks the bartender.
"No way...you get violent when you drink."
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New Year Resolutions For Pets...
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03/01/2008 |
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
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Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents...
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03/01/2008 |
10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh
wow -- Q- Tips".
9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving
wrapping paper.
8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.
7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.
6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're
Cheap!!!".
5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on
E-Bay.
4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him
two hours alone with Cindy Crawford.
3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to
convert to Islam.
2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.
1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"
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If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
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01/01/2008 |
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
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quickies
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28/12/2007 |
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends."
****************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
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What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one,
and my mom fainted, dad had a heart attack, and
our neighbor ran away.
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A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies sarcastically,
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer
complaints."
***************************************
A young boy asks his Dad,
"What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son. I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!"
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Santa Is A Woman?
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28/12/2007 |
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.  |
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dear santa
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27/12/2007 |
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Dear Santa You must be surprised that I am writing to you today,the 26th of December.Wel,I would very much like to clear things up that have happened since the first of the month,when filled with illusion,I wrote you a letter.I asked for a bycycle,an electric train set,a pair of roller blades and a football uniform.I destroyed my brain studying all year,not only was I first in my class I had the best grades in the entire school.I'm not going to lie to you,there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that was behaved than me,with my parents,my brothers,my friends and my neighbors.I would go on errands and even help the elderly across the street. There is virtually nothing i wouldn't do within reach for humanity.What balls you have leaving me a fucking yoyo,a lame whistle and an ugly pair of socks.What were you thinking,you fat prick taking me for a sucker this entire year to leave something like that under my tree.As you hadn't fucked me enough you gave the little quiff across the street so many toys he can't even walk into his house.Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year.I'll fuck you up.I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you will have to fucking walk back to the North Pole,just like I have to do now since you didn't give me a fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA,next year you'll find out how bad I can really be YOU FAT COCKSUCKER. sincerely little Johnny |
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Health Care
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27/12/2007 |
The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was wanking.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what
is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse
was giving a patient a blow-job.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA." |
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C-Nile Virus
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26/12/2007 |
Just wanted to send you this Warning and to be on the Lookout !
There's absolutely no cause for Alarm.
This is just to prepare you for the Event.
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee
cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS. |
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The Purina diet
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26/12/2007 |
The Purina Diet
I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
Duh!!?
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
The last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
Care ward with tubes everywhere and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it
Works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
Eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
Complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
Enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing
Behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
Because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a
Car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help
As he staggered to the door laughing.
Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly,
Love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything
That made you smile.
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Microsoft vs. GM
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25/12/2007 |
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off. |
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thoughts for the new year
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24/12/2007 |
> "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
> and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
> Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> ~ Jack Handy
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
> happened to your bra and panties.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
> ~Frank Sinatra
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> ~ Henny Youngman
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.! Coincidence? I think not."
> ~ S tephen Wright
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
> When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
> ~ Brian O'Rourke
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> ~ Benjamin Franklin
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
> not go nearly as well with pizza."
> ~ Dave Barry
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
> ~Dave Howell
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
>
> " Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. |
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orgasm
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24/12/2007 |
Why is orgasm a six letter word ??????
Because its easier to spell than -------Ohmygodyesohshit---- |
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