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Tampons
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08/09/2009 |
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."  |
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Posted by: |
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Wife Wanted!
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08/09/2009 |
One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."  |
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Posted by: |
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Two jokes
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07/09/2009 |
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What do you get if you grow a field full of dildos? Squatters! What do you call a vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina? A block of flaps! |
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WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH.............
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05/09/2009 |
Received this from a friend, should it be true ? 
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH.............
>
>
> 1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE
> IS.
>
> 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND
> WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY
> THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
>
> 3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK
> SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
>
>
> 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
> MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST
> FOUR HOURS AGO.
>
> 5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
>
> 6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'
>
> 7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK
> SITTING NEXT TO US.
>
> 8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY
> GOOD AT IT.
>
> 9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEAT US BY
> GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN
> NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY.
>
>
> 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
> LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop ... OR THE BATHMAT?)
>
> 11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN
> WE SIT ON IT.
>
> 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR
> FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
>
> SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE
> FUN. AND THE MEN WHO WILL GET A GOOD LAUGH. MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID....SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE!
>
>
> And Remember...
> 'A clean house is the sign of a wasted
> life!'
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Cleaners
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05/09/2009 |
A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... the Asian lady says "come
again"... The blonde replies, "No its toothpaste this time".  |
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speed zones?
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31/08/2009 |
Q: why can't most women go over 68 mph?
A: when she goes 69, she blows a rod!   |
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Murder at Walmart
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31/08/2009 |
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath she slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ole Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
Oh, quit groaning! You know it's funny!  |
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Posted by: |
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here's two jokes
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31/08/2009 |
1)How can ya tell when a redheaded woman is sexually satisfied?
she unties you!
2)Why is 88 better than 69?
I get 8(ate) twice!
hope you thought they were funny!!! |
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Rude Customers...
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27/08/2009 |
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
Cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line
Of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
Way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
You, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
Able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
Passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
Address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your
Attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the
Terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
Glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck you"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry,
Sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too'.
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Growing Old....
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27/08/2009 |
This is my FAVOURITE of all the lovely "growing old" messages... I know you'll love it, too.
Well, shit...
Now I've forgotten what it is.
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Posted by: |
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more fitting national symbol
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21/08/2009 |
The government today announced that its changing its national symbol to the CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! Damn it just doesn't get more accurate than that. I guess if the rubber fits,wear it
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Man Stories
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20/08/2009 |
1. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.
2. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."
3. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."
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The things kids say !!
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20/08/2009 |
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE (I love this one)
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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Walking the dog
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20/08/2009 |
A couple were walking their dog along the beach, the dog was having a great time running into the sea and fetching the ball that the guy was throwing for it.
After a particularly enthusiastic throw, the couple realise slowly that Rover is swimming toward them but not getting any closer.
Poor Rover is caught in a current and he can't get back. The couple are going frantic as they watch him getting more and more tired.
A crowd of worried onlookers soon gathers, no one is doing anything and Rover's head keeps bobbing dangerously under the water.
The guy has shouted himself hoarse and the woman is in tears by now.
Suddenly, a German tourist starts sprinting down the beach like a tornado on speed. He is flinging clothes aside as he goes and shouting "Out of my vay! Out of my vay!" in a strong commanding voice. The crowd parts to let him through and he dives like an Olympic swimmer straight into the sea.
The German then powers his way through the waves and grabs our hapless hound as the poor mutt was going down for the last time.
Then, dog under one arm, against the current our Germanic hero swims back to the shore and lays Rover down on the beach, the dog is not breathing.
The German is not done yet, he starts CPR on the dog.
After a couple of tense minutes of compressions and blowing air into the dog's nose, Rover leaps up, coughs up a load of seawater and trots back to its elated owners. The crown cheers and the German slumps onto the sand, exhausted.
The woman comes to his side and, still fighting back tears tries to find the words to thank him. "Thank you, thank you, I don't know what to say, how did you know how to do that?
What are you, a Vet?"
"Ya" replies the German, panting "I'm f*cking soaking!" |
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KFC
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22/07/2009 |
what is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
by the time you are finished with the breast and thigh all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in
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Posted by: |
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Snails
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16/07/2009 |
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major figures in Rome,Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for her dinner party. She asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, headed out the door and down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling along the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "wouldn't it be great if she would just talk to me." He went back to gathering his snails. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing over him, and started talking. They got into a deep conversation, and she invited him back to her place.
Well one thing led to another and they had sex into the early morning and he fell asleep exhausted. He awoke at 7:00 in the morning and and exclaimed, "Oh shit, my wife's dinner party." He got dressed in a hurry, grabbed his bucket of snails, ran out the door all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs as fast as he could. He was in in such a hurry he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. Just then his wife opened the door, very angry, and started screaming "Where have you been all night?" He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!" |
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Ride 'Em Cowgirl!!!
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13/07/2009 |
Blondeback Mountain...
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
Stan, the Walmart manager, runs out to shut the horse off. |
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Posted by: |
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world's shortest fairytale
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08/07/2009 |
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' The guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end  |
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Why I quit fishing
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30/06/2009 |
My wife always seems upset when I leave to fish, which is every Saturday. Its gotten so the best way to deal with it is just get up early and leave. That way I don't have to listen to it. Well one Saturday is was raining and storming to beat hell. But I was determined and got the boat ready and began to stealthily back out of the garage. Once out side I couldn't see five feet and making the turn seemed impossible. I stopped and turned on the radio. Yep this remnant of a hurricane was going to last all day. For the first time in my life I gave up the idea of fishing, pulled the boat back in the garage and went up stairs. As I crawled into bed and snuggled against my wife I broke my silence and said. "You wouldn't believe how hard its raining right now." She answered, "Yea, can you believe my asshole of a husband went fishing in this."
http://www.webnaughty.com/images/eicons/idono.gif |
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Words for Women to Live By
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30/06/2009 |
Saw this on another forum this morning, the poster got it by email, and nothing is known of the original author, sorry.
Some of it is a bit stale, but some of it was pretty darn cute...
*********************************
Words for Women to Live By
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
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When will it end?
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30/06/2009 |
Three guys were standing on top of the building that they were working on. They all were the best of friends and talked about everything under the sun. One day, one of the said, "Hey, I bet my dick is bigger than yours." The other two gave him the "Bullshit" look. They exchanged a look and replied, "Your on!" So the first on was up, he unzip his pant and went rolling down the building and stopped halfway. The other two nodded. The next one unzipped and fell all the way down almost hitting an old lady in the head. The last one, the one who started it all, unzipped and went rolling all the way down and went rolling down the street. Soon, his friends start to laugh.
"What!?"
"Steamroller!!" they said.
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Posted by: |
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The man rules
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23/06/2009 |
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No a re perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem; only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.
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cover those keyholes...
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21/06/2009 |
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A little girl was walking past her parents room. Hearing strange noises, she peeps in the keyhole, and says to herself, "And this bitch gets mad when I suck my thumb!" |
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...in your ass?!?....
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21/06/2009 |
If you had a rooster, and I had a donkey...and my donkey ate your roosters feet,.....technically, I'd have two feet of your cock in my ass!! MMmmm.....  |
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saying,"Hi!"....
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21/06/2009 |
Your walking down a street, and walking towards you are 3 tampons.....a regular, a super, and a super plus. Now out of those 3, which one do you think is the most likeliest to say, "hi", to you?
Give up? Well, actually, none of them would. Because their all STUCK UP BITCHES!!! |
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don't speak!
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19/06/2009 |
one day, this over-sexed husband gets an idea and says to his wife,"Babe...let me cum in your ear!"
She is shocked, and cries, "No, I'll go deaf!" To which he retorts, "No, you won't.....I've been cumming in your mouth for years, and you haven't shut-up once!!" |
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I've seen that movie,too!!!!
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19/06/2009 |
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One day a woman says to her husband,"make love to me like they do in the movi es!!" So their going at it, and he cums all over her face! She cries, "What the hell was that?" As he begins to turn red, he mutters, "I guess we don't watch the same movies!!" |
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viagra
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07/06/2009 |
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I wanted to see how this viagra stuff worked so i took one. It got caught in my throat and i had a stiff neck for three weeks! |
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It ain't easy being a dick
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22/05/2009 |
It ain't easy being a dick.
I've got an head i can't think with.
.........an eye i can't see out of
.........to hang around with two nuts all the time
My closest neighbour is a real asshole
My best friend is a pussy
and everytime i get exited, i throw up |
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the washcloth!!!
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22/05/2009 |
The Washcloth
Ladies, this has to be read, laughed at and passed on.
There is not a woman alive who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just
packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around
8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I
didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be
able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas,
wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink,
and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at
least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket,
donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Never going back to that doctor.
Ever. |
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